To distance myself from this friend?

[GreenHome]

Met friend A when we were both pregnant, now our DDs are 3.5.

Friend A has the habit to turn up on people’s house (mine and other friends’ house) unannounced or very little notice.

She feels very low when her DH is at work and she has to stay on her own with her DD. She is very extrovert and likes constant company. Even with her DD is with her PILs and her DH is at work, she can’t enjoy time on her own.

So yesterday mid morning, Friend A called to say she was just round the corner, could she pop in for a coffee and a quick playdate? I said yes.

She came in and as the girls settle and start to play, she sits on my sofa and thumbs through the coffee table books/magazines while I’m in the kitchen.

I then bring coffee, water and some biscuits and sit on the other sofa. We start to drink and I start chatting - the usual.
After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’
I’m weirded by that but I say sure, so I take my coffee to the kitchen and finish it there while tidying up and stuff. When I have nothing to do in the kitchen anymore, I go to my DD’s bedroom where the girls are playing and stay there.

Then I receive a text message from friend B inviting me for lunch at her house as she has some good news to share (she was ttc so I know what it means).

After about 45 minutes (from me leaving the sitting room to now), friend A comes to the bedroom and asks me what I’m planning to eat for lunch. I tell her that I’m going to friend B’s house for lunch and she asks if she can come too. I tell her to call friend B and ask. She tells me that I should call because I was the one invited. I said no, I don’t think this is how it is suppose to work.
She then decides to leave. She said she might call friend B soon.

When I get to friend B’s house, I ask her if friend A called. She didn’t. I explain she was at mine when I received the text and she knows about the lunch. Friend B knows it means she might turn up unannounced. But she doesn’t.

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

I just don’t have energy for this nonsense anymore. I get it that she needs constant company but her behaviour at mine yesterday turned me off this friendship, I need to create some distance.

AIBU?

How should I reply?

She seems very draining and to lack social boundaries. I’d find it very difficult. It’s hard but you need to start saying No.

Great job at resetting your boundaries. Stand firm mama; you’ve got this.

May be a bit late to this party, but maybe she doesn't realise what she's doing? The ignore approach is the easiest way out, especially to avoid confrontation, but what about explaining it to her? "Dear A, the other day when you asked to be left alone to read a magazine, I felt like you dropped in to use me as free child care. That's not ok. In the future you should ask well ahead if you want to visit. People find this way of behaviour intrusive and you will find yourself losing friends over this. All this said with the best intentions" Or something like that. Ignore all you want after that, but it's a decent thing to do to a friend.

She Sounds exhausting! So she can’t be alone but wants to be left alone when at yours?! Think she’s using you for childcare.
are friend A and friend B friends with eachother? I can see A would be put out slightly about not being included but with her behaviour I don’t either you or B for not including her!
definitely distance yourself.

I’d tell her outright, and that it seems very much like she just wants a playmate for her daughter.
extremely rude for her to ask you to leave her alone in your house! How baffling.
Maybe be honest ‘I didn’t invite you to friend Bs because I was taken aback by the rudness at my house of you coming in and then asking me to leave you alone as if I’m my house is some sort of coffee shop.’

im one for honesty but sometimes it does lose friends but this one isn’t worth keeping anyway

Don’t do number 2 !
your children are friends and could be at the same schools/clubs till they’re 18 if you all live in the same area. That could cause all sorts of levels of awkward at every event for al ong time.

just distance yourself. Don’t always be available. But you could be sometimes. You need to be “just popping out” to the supermarket/dentist/doctors more if she messages.

or … you need to encourage her to find childcare and a job! Is her DD going to nursery/school in September? Or not school till sept 25?
just don’t end up with the childcare!

.. she sounds insane : S who goes to someone house without an invitation and then asks to be left alone so they can read magazines 😂

@GreenHome BRAVA! arrasou!

absolutely nailed it with that message.

hmmmmm... to go to someones house for a coffee and then ask them to leave you alone is very very strange. If this is out of her normal behaviour I would reply... "You didn't want my company earlier at my house, is everything OK?" at least that starts a conversation.

I'd reply and say lunch another time sounds great. Tomorrow doesn't work unfortunately as you have plans already.

I saw someone on here years ago say answer the door in your coat and say you are just on your way out. That might be another tactic to use if she turns up unannounced.

Hi friend A
Yes, we had a good lunch thanks. It wasn’t for me to do the inviting and, thinking about it, I didn’t like it when you put me on the spot and argued that I should call B and impose on her to get an invitation for you too.

Actually, although I’ve been genuinely happily to host you before even with no notice, I have to tell you that your behaviour yesterday when you requested me to leave you alone to relax with my magazines and the coffee I served to you in my lounge, while I supervised the children, was really quite rude..

or/and

Dear friend A
I’m really busy at the moment so best I let you know when it’s convenient for you to call.

Honestly just say "sorry Hun I'm out" responses if she asks to come round or if she turns up unannounced say I'm actually about to take DD out/I've got an appointment/ I'm going food shopping.... She'll get the message eventually. Her saying leave her alone in your house is weird but I bet she's done that because her dd is quiet and looked after and she wants 5mins peace 🤣 very bizarre though really! Xx

excellent response.

I had a very irritating friend like this about ten years ago
I met her through my neighbour. But I recognised her as someone I knew through school mates. She had just had a baby same age my 2nd baby and so we connected again.
I regretted that. Luckily it was shortlived.
But every day, she would invite herself to mine, without fail, she would invite herself round for dinner, for a drink, to pop by, without even asking. Just asking what am I upto and I would say I'm sorting the kids/cleaning/running errands, she would always pop round. She would always ask for money as well. Anytime we went out, she would ask for money, every single time.it would drive me nuts. She would ask for petrol after inviting me somewhere. She would leave me in her hot car with our two babies whilst she went to use the sun beds for an hour or to get a tattoo without paying for a parking ticket so then I would have to deal with parking inspectors. It was awful. She was also drinking alcohol before driving i told her not to. Told her please don't leave us in the car for long. She would lie shes just popping into a shop. It was honestly so bad she would even charge me petrol for taking us 5 minutes drive to tesco for us both to do shopping.
She would also shoplift a lot, and my husband advised me to stay well clear. I did and then she kept messaging me telling me she was going to call the police because it was obvious I was being controlled and she caused a lot of problems between me and my neighbours. I cut her off and never say any money back. I had a little nosey poke on Facebook to see shes had hideous lip fillers, to the point of where it looks like she has two glossy pink donuts hanging out of her mouth, a boob job that is so high its touching her chin and smothered in tattoos head to toe. I was like good grief.

Your friend is very bizzare and asking you to leave her in piece while she reads a magazine to me is so rude! I'd cut this one out!.

If you don’t like her turning up unannounced you can ask for warning. If she persists either ignore or be busy or say no. That seems like a different styles thing, it’s not inherently bad to visit without notice. If you haven’t told her you dislike it then how is she supposed to know?

It’s a bit unusual if you’re not good friends but also not inherently bad to want to be in company but not talking. However the way she spoke to you sounds very rude, especially in your own home when she’s invited herself in. If you think she’s sensible then tell her it upset you. If she doesn’t apologise then the friendship is probably not worth further effort. If you cba with even having the conversation that suggests you simply don’t like her that much, which is perfectly allowed.

If I was in her position when you got invited for lunch I’d also feel weird about asking friend b myself to be included, I’d definitely see that as something you should ask. I’ve often been in this situation, on all three sides, that’s always been the way it’s handled in my experience. So I find your refusal to ask your friend b if friend a can also come a bit odd, and maybe indicative that you really didn’t want friend a included. It doesn’t sound to me like friend a was rude here or difficult just had a different social norm for that situation than you do.

Your reply was neither here nor there really. Don’t expect it to be resolved. If she’s oblivious to her rudeness, which it sounds like she might be, then it’s best to spell it out. “Sorry A, but you were so rude this morning that it’s a no. If you needed me to watch your dd for an hour so you could get some time to yourself then you should have asked, so I could have decided to or not. But you turned up with very little notice, I made you a drink and you told me to go away, IN MY OWN HOUSE. That’s not on, so no, please don’t ask to come over anymore.”

Nutter! You have been warned and well done on stepping back.

'Sorry, that doesn't work for me. I have magazines to read.'

This! Rude behaviour.

Never mind distancing yourself. Completely cut her off

I think it’s some sort of unwritten Mumsnet rule. 😂

Good for you OP, hopefully she's got the message

After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’

That is so incredibly rude that it's astounding. i would have asked her and her child to leave at that exact moment. Cheeky bitch. She's not your friend. In the bin with her!

I would send her a message letting her know that you don’t want to play her games. That dropping in unannounced is one thing, but demanding to be left alone in your home while you feed her and her kid and entertain her kid is disgusting behaviour. You are not her staff member. You are also not going to be manipulated into including her on social visits. Perhaps she needs to make herself more likeable if she wants to be included in the future.

Say "I think it's my turn to come to yours actually. If you can make me a drink and provide some good mags I'm happy for you to leave me alone on your sofa while you supervise my child for a while."