To distance myself from this friend?

[GreenHome]

Met friend A when we were both pregnant, now our DDs are 3.5.

Friend A has the habit to turn up on people’s house (mine and other friends’ house) unannounced or very little notice.

She feels very low when her DH is at work and she has to stay on her own with her DD. She is very extrovert and likes constant company. Even with her DD is with her PILs and her DH is at work, she can’t enjoy time on her own.

So yesterday mid morning, Friend A called to say she was just round the corner, could she pop in for a coffee and a quick playdate? I said yes.

She came in and as the girls settle and start to play, she sits on my sofa and thumbs through the coffee table books/magazines while I’m in the kitchen.

I then bring coffee, water and some biscuits and sit on the other sofa. We start to drink and I start chatting - the usual.
After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’
I’m weirded by that but I say sure, so I take my coffee to the kitchen and finish it there while tidying up and stuff. When I have nothing to do in the kitchen anymore, I go to my DD’s bedroom where the girls are playing and stay there.

Then I receive a text message from friend B inviting me for lunch at her house as she has some good news to share (she was ttc so I know what it means).

After about 45 minutes (from me leaving the sitting room to now), friend A comes to the bedroom and asks me what I’m planning to eat for lunch. I tell her that I’m going to friend B’s house for lunch and she asks if she can come too. I tell her to call friend B and ask. She tells me that I should call because I was the one invited. I said no, I don’t think this is how it is suppose to work.
She then decides to leave. She said she might call friend B soon.

When I get to friend B’s house, I ask her if friend A called. She didn’t. I explain she was at mine when I received the text and she knows about the lunch. Friend B knows it means she might turn up unannounced. But she doesn’t.

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

I just don’t have energy for this nonsense anymore. I get it that she needs constant company but her behaviour at mine yesterday turned me off this friendship, I need to create some distance.

AIBU?

How should I reply?

How awful for you to have such a rude woman inconveniencing your day. She’s so inappropriate. What terrible manners. I’d also be distancing myself from her. Make it clear you need to spend more time alone. She sounds stroppy so might not take much for her to sling her hook! Don’t put up with it.

Omg that's given me the fear. I had a 'friend' like this for years and it took me ages to get rid of her. And even then it was only because of stalker levels of batshittery. It started out like you have described.. no concern for other people's boundaries.. jealousy of anyone doing anything without her even if she didn't really know the people involved
she once messaged me because she saw a picture of me on Instagram at a birthday party in Bristol which is across the other side of the country.. saying 'why have you gone to Bristol without me?'... I was at the birthday party of an old friend she only vaguely knew and who doesn't like her.....
even if it's something she hates....got upset I'd gone wild camping with a friend and she hadn't been invited.. even tho she hates camping...
she also once got cross because she saw I'd been for a coffee on a softplay with a friend.. it was a playdate for our 5yo children and her only child is 19.
She once rang me and I was at a BBQ at a friend's house that she didn't know at all and said 'oh can I come over?' I said the host didn't know her... she asked me to ask the host if she could come over and I said I didn't want to put that pressure on the host as it was rude. And she was so so angry at me about that for ages.
She was also the type of person who message you, and if you didn't reply within a few mins would follow up with 'Hello??"

Just distance yourself from this person now while you can. I tried repeatedly to talk to my 'friend' about boundaries and how I needed a certain amount of space... and she reacted terribly. Like constant angry messages and emails and voicemails. Entire essays. It was horrific. Eventually I had to block her on every method of contact.
I later found out many mutual friends had also had to do this.

She sounds like a nightmare.

"No, I'm not available tomorrow as I will be reading my magazine."

How about “Fuck off, I’m not your free cafe and childminding service.”

I’d do the avoid - just say no, you are busy and have plans. You could be blunt and say that you prefer to spend your time with people who don’t tell you to go away in your own home, so will likely be busy a lot going forward. [I would probably do this, but I can be snarky when ‘friends’ take the piss, but appreciate there are other more diplomatic approaches available.]

If she arrives unannounced again, just say you are busy and don’t have time to see her today. She’ll keep coming unless you [re]set your boundaries.

If she gets stroppy, then so be it. The friendship has run its course.

Fuck’s sake. Must every thread contain a post with this line?

That's rude in Germany, Belgium and I imagine anywhere in the world. She's clearly not afraid of being direct and she's taking advantage of you. It might not come natural to you so you can practise in front of the mirror. Suitable answers would be:

"No, I'm busy. Maybe next time"

"Very busy this week. What about next week?"

"Sorry but I am not happy to be dismissed in my own house. If you want to be alone, maybe stay at yours"

"I don't feel like having company today but thanks for the offer"

And anything along those lines

If you don’t want the confrontation you could just ghost her.

I know that technically ghosting people is frowned on, but I also think that there are times when it’s justified, and for me this would be one of those, although I might do the “I’m not available/will let you know when I’m around,” line a few times first to see if she gets the message. But if not then I would ghost with impunity.

Tell A you weren't happy to be dismissed so she could read your magazine in peace after you made her a coffee.

Ask her if she realises how that made you feel.

Tell her, thanks for the offer of a get together, but not today.

Friend A is using you. Also, you should expect her to ask you for an apology for not including her in the lunch with Friend B, because that is how users think unfortunately. Have a reply ready for that if/when it comes up.

Message her this arrangement does not work for you anymore. There is no point in meeting, she came last time and then asked you to leave her alone, and you ended up watching kids.
She is very direct, so she shouldn't have problem with you being direct.

She doesn't see You as a friend, she thinks of you as free childminding and free café. You need to end this now before you are doing all her school runs for her as you're bringing your child to school anyway and sure you might as well collect her kid and bring her back to yours after school for dinner too. Since you collected junior on a Friday she might as well have a sleepover and she's collect her Saturday lunchtime, maybe, but certainly on Sunday after dinner. Do you see where this is heading OP, run now and don't look back.

I cannot believe what I just read! She was bossing you around in your own home, and dictating when she will be coming round and how long she will be staying? She made you leave your own living room!!

What is the dilemma? Tell her that her behaviour and expectations are rude and then block and ignore.

'I want to be alone in my house tomorrow, maybe another time '

“Hi A. Since the weather is getting better maybe we can meet at the park or the playground at some point, so the girls can play together. I will not be receiving visitors or having playdates in my house for the foreseable future. I will contact you know when I’m available”

No reply so far

Damn, well done OP!

You rock op.

Text her back 'No to tomorrow. I will text you when I'm next available for visitors'

Great reply OP

Great reply.

You needed to send that message to her. She might not liking seeing this but her behaviour led to this. She just expects you to be available and mind her child when she calls over.
As your children got older she would be expecting to bring or pick up your child from school and mind them. She never return this favour either.
I have friends who had other parents with children like this. One lady decided she only offered lifts if other parents did the same for her. Another lady stored a phone number so she could avoid calls from the couple who wanted their child collected from school and then never collected them till 7.00- 7.30 in the evening.

@GreenHome

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

If she wants a girls' lunch perhaps she should arrange one, at her house. It's not up to you or friend B to include her on arrangements you and A have made.

Also perhaps don't be so available each time - especially when she sends you out of your own living room so she can read your magazine and invite herself to lunch! There's no need to tell her your plans - the MN phrase "that doesn't work for me" is very useful. Just don't go into details when they, inevitably, press for more info. It's none of their business.

This way of behaving will lose her friends. 🌹

I am easy going and put up with a lot but this is beyond bonkers

Good compromise with your message as you can always leave a public space at your convenience whilst still being kind

Keep firm boundaries from now on
Or fake going back to work !

What's with all the PA suggestions? Just be honest with her that you found her rude. What have you got to lose - you might be doing her a favour.