To distance myself from this friend?

[GreenHome]

Met friend A when we were both pregnant, now our DDs are 3.5.

Friend A has the habit to turn up on people’s house (mine and other friends’ house) unannounced or very little notice.

She feels very low when her DH is at work and she has to stay on her own with her DD. She is very extrovert and likes constant company. Even with her DD is with her PILs and her DH is at work, she can’t enjoy time on her own.

So yesterday mid morning, Friend A called to say she was just round the corner, could she pop in for a coffee and a quick playdate? I said yes.

She came in and as the girls settle and start to play, she sits on my sofa and thumbs through the coffee table books/magazines while I’m in the kitchen.

I then bring coffee, water and some biscuits and sit on the other sofa. We start to drink and I start chatting - the usual.
After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’
I’m weirded by that but I say sure, so I take my coffee to the kitchen and finish it there while tidying up and stuff. When I have nothing to do in the kitchen anymore, I go to my DD’s bedroom where the girls are playing and stay there.

Then I receive a text message from friend B inviting me for lunch at her house as she has some good news to share (she was ttc so I know what it means).

After about 45 minutes (from me leaving the sitting room to now), friend A comes to the bedroom and asks me what I’m planning to eat for lunch. I tell her that I’m going to friend B’s house for lunch and she asks if she can come too. I tell her to call friend B and ask. She tells me that I should call because I was the one invited. I said no, I don’t think this is how it is suppose to work.
She then decides to leave. She said she might call friend B soon.

When I get to friend B’s house, I ask her if friend A called. She didn’t. I explain she was at mine when I received the text and she knows about the lunch. Friend B knows it means she might turn up unannounced. But she doesn’t.

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

I just don’t have energy for this nonsense anymore. I get it that she needs constant company but her behaviour at mine yesterday turned me off this friendship, I need to create some distance.

AIBU?

How should I reply?

Don’t know much about her country’s hispitality culture though (their flag is black, red, yellow)

So German or Belgian?

Whatever nationality she's a very VERY rude and ignorant person.

Fuck Off is pretty universal.

I mean, it would be different if she'd said it in a "Sorry, I don't mean to impose, if you've got stuff to crack on with in the kitchen, I'm happy to flick through this magazine for a bit" kind of "don't mind me" sort of way. But to actively invite herself over then ask you to leave ...? That's definitely a bit strange.

I wouldn't ignore her though, I do think you need to just let her know what the issue was. And if she invites herself over, you're allowed to be elsewhere or busy. Don't feel like you need to give in to any demands.

She’s so odd I might be scared to try 2!

Just tell her to bugger off.

That’s a super sweet story!

And actually I think your suggestion as to what to say to her is the best.

Was she actually reading it? Or installing a camera in your house or something ?! Depositing a dead body under your carpet?

This.
Id have told her if she wanted to be left alone she could go home , Infact I'd have fetched her dd and booted her out in a no nonsense manner, with a cheery goodbye ( and never darken my door step again)

Simply ask her if she can just ‘leave you alone so you can read the magazine you selected ' 😉

^^ This. Maybe even, “so please don’t come round again.”, assuming you’re over the friendship and just want to end it.

Just tell her you don’t think she should visit tomorrow as you’re sure she’d have more peace and quiet to read at her own house.

She's being a bit rude. I'd tell her I was busy/out next time.

Fuck Off is universal. Love it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think if you want to be friends but for the situation to change you need to be firmer. -

"Sorry I'm busy".

"No im not leaving you alone in my house. If you want peace and quiet go home"

"No im not ringing friend to ask of you can come to lunch"

If you don't care about continuing the friendship, phase her out or break up with her. But consider the repercussions on wider friendships.

This.

"Lunch was lovely thank you. I'm not available tomorrow. I have to say I found it a bit strange and quite rude when you effectively dismissed me from my own living room earlier. I would appreciate it if you do not turn up unannounced and uninvited again in future to read my magazines in peace, you can do that at home. Today felt like you wanted free childcare and a free lunch."

Totally odd behaviour and I think everyone likes a little bit of time on their own (does she not think you might want some time alone at home even if she doesn’t?). Surely she must have things to do at home or want to spend time with her child, rather than just knocking on friends doors for coffee?

I wouldn’t get into the stress of having to ignore the doorbell/calls etc as that will just start to affect your life. In a polite but very firm way, I would make it clear (in a message or face to face if you can), that you need your own time at home and she cant just turn up unannounced. She has to text or call to arrange coffees in the future.

I think you were incredibly rude to tell me to "go away" in my own home, so I don't want to see you again.

Done.

If you perhaps think "Fuck off" is too blunt you need to start employing the 'coat trick'.

I had to start doing this when a friend would keep turning up unannounced with her very badly behaviour daughters. I loved her company, but her Daughters were horrors.

Doorbell rings. Not sure who it's going to be? Put your coat on before you answer the door. Someone you like? Postman with a parcel? Neighbour with an emergency? "Oh hello, Good to see you. That's perfect timing. I've JUST got back in. Come in.". Someone you don't like? Friend wanting childcare? Friend wanting to read your magazines in peace? "Oh no, I'm just putting my coat on to go out! Bad timing!".

It's saved me many a time!

I think this gets the message across without being unnecessarily aggressive.

That is still incredibly rude.

Does she actually want company or is she like two people I’ve met who deliberately visit others to keep their own homes clean and tidy? They were very open about not having to clean up after a child at the end of the day and having child care. For them refreshments, a magazine and lunch would be even more added bonuses.
Don’t indulge her. She’s not bothered about offending you. Use the coat trick.

Tell her not to come round again and tell her why - she was rude to you in your own home and appeared to not want your company, just some unpaid childcare. This is not the behaviour of a friend.

Just say to her you will be busy. If she turns up, don't open the door.

I actually cannot believe two things, one someone could be so rude and disrespectful to come into YOUR home and as you to leave the room. I dont care if she needed to strip naked you do not come into someone elses home as tell them what to do.

Secondly I cannot believe you didnt tell her to fuck off and you actually left the room for 45 mins in your own home for her.

Option 1!

After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’

This is really rude OP! I'd like to think I'd have said "Works for me. I wouldn't mind some time alone too. Why don't you just take the magazine with you?"

Be unavailable next time and don't tell her what your plans are specifically if she is a tag along.