To distance myself from this friend?

[GreenHome]

Met friend A when we were both pregnant, now our DDs are 3.5.

Friend A has the habit to turn up on people’s house (mine and other friends’ house) unannounced or very little notice.

She feels very low when her DH is at work and she has to stay on her own with her DD. She is very extrovert and likes constant company. Even with her DD is with her PILs and her DH is at work, she can’t enjoy time on her own.

So yesterday mid morning, Friend A called to say she was just round the corner, could she pop in for a coffee and a quick playdate? I said yes.

She came in and as the girls settle and start to play, she sits on my sofa and thumbs through the coffee table books/magazines while I’m in the kitchen.

I then bring coffee, water and some biscuits and sit on the other sofa. We start to drink and I start chatting - the usual.
After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’
I’m weirded by that but I say sure, so I take my coffee to the kitchen and finish it there while tidying up and stuff. When I have nothing to do in the kitchen anymore, I go to my DD’s bedroom where the girls are playing and stay there.

Then I receive a text message from friend B inviting me for lunch at her house as she has some good news to share (she was ttc so I know what it means).

After about 45 minutes (from me leaving the sitting room to now), friend A comes to the bedroom and asks me what I’m planning to eat for lunch. I tell her that I’m going to friend B’s house for lunch and she asks if she can come too. I tell her to call friend B and ask. She tells me that I should call because I was the one invited. I said no, I don’t think this is how it is suppose to work.
She then decides to leave. She said she might call friend B soon.

When I get to friend B’s house, I ask her if friend A called. She didn’t. I explain she was at mine when I received the text and she knows about the lunch. Friend B knows it means she might turn up unannounced. But she doesn’t.

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

I just don’t have energy for this nonsense anymore. I get it that she needs constant company but her behaviour at mine yesterday turned me off this friendship, I need to create some distance.

AIBU?

How should I reply?

@GreenHome just say you are going out!!

You do, of course, have the option of the succinct "Fuck Off"

It sounds like she doesn’t need your company but a playmate for her child so that she can read her/your magazine. Weird! Just don’t respond to short notice self invitations, not many people can accommodate these in our day and age, or just say no.

I have had the same group of best friends for 30 years. I consider them to be my family, more so than some of my actual family.

I would still never say something as batshit crazy as 'I've invited myself to your house last minute. Please f*ck off and let me read your magazine in peace in your living room while I drink the tea you made me. Also go and watch my child'.

What a weirdo.

I'd just be honest

'When you came over and then asked me to leave you alone in my own house it felt really strange, is something up? Only I wouldn't like that to happen again, I won't be leaving any rooms or not talking when I'm at home'

How's about telling her, 'yeah, nah I've got other things to be doing, thanks. Don't call me, I'll call you'. And leaving her to move on to her next victim.

What the fuck. Tell her you’re not available and if she turns up don’t answer the door.

Wow.

Reply to text: I would rather you didn't come tomorrow. In fact it is better if you discontinue calling me or coming here.
She will know why . Don't let her apologise or give any false explanation. She is just a user.

Is this a culture clash thing??

I cannot imagine asking for that/any one I know doing it.

Truly strange behaviour.

Ignore.

If she turns up unannounced, put your coat on and tell you're going out "somewhere"...

I had a friend who would do this. It's frustrating as hell. I used option one in the end.

We are both not British but we both been here a long time

She is from a Central Europe country.

I’m from South America - we tend to be very hospitable. Turning up unannounced is kinda normal where I live, I think people still have the habit even nowadays with mobile phones and etc and she takes adavantage of that but rudeness is not part of the culture I grew up in, so I had enough.

Don’t know much about her country’s hispitality culture though (their flag is black, red, yellow).

Wow. I'm almost certainly autistic and read anything that comes into my view, but I learnt that you don't read when going round to socialise with your friend at the age of 6.

(It was a lesson that involved my best friend and Beatrix Potter. My family were... let's say, exasperated. Best friend and her mother are lovely people )

Could you maybe suggest to your friend that actually she perhaps needs more alone time than she realises?

How about "please can you not come round? I want to enjoy my home in peace". Play her at her own game.

She’s taking the piss. I wouldn’t mention the lunch thing- it will just get into a debate. I’d simply say, “sorry tomorrow isn’t going to work for me- I am always happy to see people for a natter, but you can’t just stop round here to read- it’s no fun for me but prevents me from getting on with my day” be fully honest. She counting on you not or being too nice.

If she says she wants to be left alone while in your living room you could say "Ok I'll let the girls know you're leaving" and go and tell your child that her friend's going home.

You have no obligation to tell her your lunch plans and can just say "I'm going out soon, I have some errands" and leave it at that. If she keeps at you to find out what and you keep with vague statements and she won't let it go then she is the rude one, not you.

But that is all a what if as she's already been and gone, but that's what you can do if it happens again.

However the easier option is just don't let her in your house again. Ignore the doorbell.

This 👆🏼
Life is FAR too short to spend time in the company of someone you dislike, who is rude, asks you to leave her alone in your own home and wants a convenient playmate/childcare for her child.

I’d do exactly as this PP and not take anymore of her shit and see people who are your friends and whose company you enjoy.

I’d just tell her straight. I had a similar situation, I was being used for childcare and she was taking the piss massively. I think I had a bit of pnd also and so I sent her a text saying how I didn’t want her coming round anymore, for the following xyz reasons. I still cringe thinking about it now as it’s not something I’d normally do but anyway, it worked and she never came round again!

She's just plain rude, self-centred and inconsiderate.

Her nationality is completely irrelevant.

Politely ditch and block. You sound like a really nicd person, spend your time and energy on people who appreciate you.

She wants her kid occupied and to be fed.

Tell her no tomorrow isn't convenient and you'll get in touch with her at some point and to enjoy her day, if you don't want a confrontation.

Do you think she might be autistic?

"No. I'm not available tomorrow."
Don't apologise.

I think in this case I'd actually just be brutally honest. I'd say that I found it really rude being asked to leave the room or sit in silence by a guest and that you feel that you were being used for childcare purposes. I'd then block her and move on. Who needs "friends" like that. My life has been much improved since I ditched the users and fakes.

You just don’t answer the door surely?

You're napping. Your DD is napping. Keep making excuses and tag on to the end of every message you send her that she needs to let you know when she is thinking of calling around to make sure it suits you.

I can’t think of many people who just ‘pop in’ other than family who might live nearby.
As for asking to be left in peace, I’d have been dumbfounded but after the first time, she’d never be given the opportunity to do that a second time.

How bloody rude asking you to leave her alone in YOUR house so she can read YOUR magazine in peace! I'd be telling her to eff right off! Who needs 'friends' like that?!