Boring marriage but easier life

[LookingOutMyWindow]

I’m in a boring marriage- we are more friends than a couple.
My husband is a nice guy, good dad but he can be grumpy and works away a lot so the juggle of childcare / my work falls to me.
we plod along but I don’t fancy him anymore (been together 20years) I don’t really have a sex drive so I’m not bothered if we don’t have sex.

If I divorced we would have to sell the house because I can not afford it on my own so then me and kids would be in a small rented place, I would have my children half the time and I’d basically struggle for money.
surely I’m not the only one who stays in a marriage so life isn’t a struggle?

I see all the time people saying ‘just leave, it will be fine’
but I literally wouldn’t be able to pay mortgage, bills and have the lifestyle we have now.
i don’t understand how women do it when they are only working part time as the children are still young / no childcare

aibu to think it’s just easier to be meh about marriage but have an easier life

If you are friends, then I see no harm is staying together. If you hate each other and there are constant arguments, I'd rather have a modest lifestyle and a smaller house but have an easier life without a grumpy housemate.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?

he works away a lot? that seems a positive

how old are your children?

do you laugh together? affectionate ? mind to one another? basically showing a good example of a healthy marriage to your children or is it very detached and quite resentful?

Think millions of couples probably plod along op

My only thought is what kind of an example for a partnership are you setting for your children?

Why don't you try to put a bit of effort into reconnecting together as a couple. Marriages go through ups and downs and in your case it feels like you've let yourself fall victim to the pitfalls of everyday life. You could try counselling, dating again, even just going out for a walk and a chat together?
I would try my best to fix it (both of you btw, not saying you need to do it all) before I give up completely.

There are worse people to spend your life with than a friend. Maybe instead of being like friends you two need to work on becoming BEST friends again.
If your kids are still young and home life is good, it would be selfish to blow that up. When they are older and flown and if you still feel the same maybe that’s your time then. But right now it’s their time.
Of course, if there were constant arguments, adultery, abuse etc etc. I would definitely be saying leave, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.
When he’s home maybe you need to find time to reconnect as friends. Go somewhere childish and do something silly.
Me and DH go to the seaside and play in the arcade and generally do stuff we are too old to be doing, and we have a blast doing it. Maybe make more time for silliness.

I suspect lots of couples in very long term relationships are ‘just friends’.

What are you doing to make your marriage not boring.

l think life gets in the way of marriage, kids, family and jobs take over. I was in a bit of a rut a few years ago thinking l need to leave this isn’t fun. One of my divorced friends sat me down and told me how she wished she had worked at her marriage leaving it was the worst thing that she had done. It was really good advice, l started doing things for myself, opened up my life to more than what l had been concentrating on.

Now l am glad l had someone to give me that advice, he took up his own hobby and now we have conversations about things other than kids, work and we hat needs doing around the house. We go on dates now (not great big dates, last month we had fish and chips in the car on the prom)and just came back from a weekend away together, this all helped us reconnect the physical connection as well. I am so grateful to my friend.

Before you do anything please just make sure it’s not just life that’s making your marriage boring. Good luck.

You're lucky that he works away a lot if that's how you feel.

How does he feel about not having a sex life?

What does he get grumpy about? I'd be pissed off if someone worked away and when he was home he was grumpy a lot.

If you want to stay married, which it seems you do, you need to invest time and effort into making the marriage work.

If it’s just dull, I’d stay together and take some steps to get the magic back, or at the very least make life a little less boring.

I'm lucky enough that dh and I still fancy one another after twenty years but if that faded I wouldn't be upturning the world and that of the kids because things were boring in the bedroom. I can think of worse things than comfortably living my life with a great friend in a peaceful home that my kids were thriving in.

Try and reconnect? Work together on getting back the closeness and affection (doesn’t have to mean sex). It doesn’t sound like you have a terrible marriage, so I wouldn’t suggest just giving up on it.

I had a marriage like this. We were friends but the attraction was gone, however we didn't have kids and I was in my early 30s and wanted them and we had sex so little I didnt see how it would ever happen. I left and later met someone else who I then had children with. I love my partner, we have great chemistry and definite attraction and I love his company but there is something to be said for being married to your best friend and sometimes I miss that aspect of my marriage because sometimes I look back and see things that were boring to me at the time and there was actually lots of positives about those things. Only you can decide whether you can live with that or not, plenty of people do but not everyone wants to and I don't think either way is right or wrong.

I think you're fine, you don't dislike each other, you just aren't passionately in love. I would say differently if there was abuse, but there isn't.

I feel like this is what my marriage is becoming . The sex has dropped dramatically and the affection is non existent . I keep wondering if it’s me (early40s) feeling restless after a 20 year marriage but I know my husband could make me happy if only he could be bothered to try . Unfortunately he’s always tired and unmotivated according to him so I’m not sure how that’s going to change as we are only getting older . No advice , but in the same boat it would seem .

Is he on the same page sex-wise? If he is, then I see no issue with staying together. But if he wants intimacy and you don't, then that's more of a problem. Maybe that's why he's grumpy (or why he works away?) How would you feel if he got intimate with someone else?

I’m a strong believer that when you’ve made your bed you should lie in it. I picked my partner, I had kids with him, now I have to put up with him for the benefit of those kids. It’s unfair to make the kids suffer because I decide I’ve made a mistake in my choice of partner.

Yes OP, I do wonder if all the Just Leave people are wealthy or just have no idea how expensive housing is. You can forget about social housing, private rented is terrifyingly expensive, most private rents are not covered by housing benefit limits and landlords have their pick of tenants and are able to pick those that are least risk ( so no low income part-timers). Buying is obviously really expensive too. then there are the high prices of everything else, food, utility bills, and kids don't play out together on the streets anymore (in most places) which means entertaining them is more expensive and time consuming.

No-one really seems able to understand that its not fear of being alone that keeps many in marriages but just ridiculously high cost of living and our fucked up and inadequate housing market.

However, back to your post. If your husband is also unhappy in the marriage, you need to be aware he may decide to leave you. You'd be best to increase your hours so that you are in a better financial position if he does.

As a child of a parent that decided to stay in the bed, i wish she had not.

I would try to work on your marriage. You made a lifetime commitment to him, for better, for worse. So try to recapture the fun and closeness that you once had. Working away and having children can be challenging, so it’s not so surprising that you’ve let your own relationship slide a bit. However, your marriage is the bedrock of your family, so nurture it and value it. It sounds like there are no major problems, so it would be a bad idea to divorce and put your children through that.

marriage isn’t always going to be romance and fireworks. Sometimes it may feel boring and like you are just plodding along. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to divorce.

are you friends? Are you working together to raise your children?

are you fighting? Is the household tense? Do you dread him coming home?

This thread confirms what I already knew: a lot of women stay in unhappy marriages as they feel financially trapped. I find that incredibly sad. You get one life (as far as we know). I think it’s hard to advise when we don’t know how bad it really is. You say he’s ‘grumpy’. That may seem like a minor concern but my ex h was incredibly grumpy and moody. He was also a very negative person, always nit picking and having little digs at me. It really got me down. There was no excitement. He never wanted to do anything and just sat bemoaning the state of the world and watching the news. That may not be your situation, but I honestly couldn’t put up with my personal scenario. I left and haven’t regretted that decision for a second. I do struggle financially at times, but I’ve re-built my life and everything I have is now mine, even if that isn’t much. I don’t have to share my space with a negative, miserable drain on my happiness. I re-found my zest for life. By all means, try to improve your marriage before you call it quits as it won’t be easy financially, but if you find it not worth saving, start getting your ducks in a row and put a plan into place. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide OP.

I think you need to sit down and decide what exactly it is you want, rather than listing the negatives.

If you were not as you are, how exactly is it that you want to be? Sometimes we look at a marriage and think it is no longer exciting, but do not ask whether we actually want it to be exciting, and in what way.

Relationships change and become something very different from what they were to begin with - that is life. You cannot have imagined that would not be so.

I’m not really seeing any red flags of why you need to leave.

When I got married, the vicar held up a white taper candle (representing marriage) and said that when the top is lit, you see the glow down through the length of the candle. Then he snapped the candle. He explained that now, when the candle is lit, the glow will only go down to the snap—the candle beneath the snap will not glow. He said that you need to work on our marriage, and keep it burning until you burn past the snap. Once you’ve burned it down past the snap, the whole length of the candle glows again.

You’re in a season of juggling careers, children, and running a house. This is your current snap in your candle. Burn down past it. Try to set up some time to connect—maybe a date or a meal out. It’s not romantic, but sometimes I have to put sex in my husband’s iPhone diary when life gets super busy and hectic.