Boring marriage but easier life

[LookingOutMyWindow]

I’m in a boring marriage- we are more friends than a couple.
My husband is a nice guy, good dad but he can be grumpy and works away a lot so the juggle of childcare / my work falls to me.
we plod along but I don’t fancy him anymore (been together 20years) I don’t really have a sex drive so I’m not bothered if we don’t have sex.

If I divorced we would have to sell the house because I can not afford it on my own so then me and kids would be in a small rented place, I would have my children half the time and I’d basically struggle for money.
surely I’m not the only one who stays in a marriage so life isn’t a struggle?

I see all the time people saying ‘just leave, it will be fine’
but I literally wouldn’t be able to pay mortgage, bills and have the lifestyle we have now.
i don’t understand how women do it when they are only working part time as the children are still young / no childcare

aibu to think it’s just easier to be meh about marriage but have an easier life

Our youngest has just turned 3.
Not massively relevant but I work in an advanced dementia ward which I love but between those at work and 3 children I feel like I am constantly doing stuff for others, being touched, chasing my tail that in the evenings I just want to sit on the sofa and enjoy my personal space 🤣
but then I feel guilty or these feelings of doubt come into my head.
I see a good looking men and briefly think wow he’s gorgeous but I wouldn’t ever act on that but I feel guilty I don’t think that when my husband comes through the door.

Are you happy? If so, then stay. If not, speak to husband and try counselling first to see if there is a way back to each other. Doesn't sound like you are wanting to divorce, meaning you are settled on it. Sounds more like you are contemplating what life would be like if you separated. But is change in your actual life moving towards happiness together possible?

I’m a strong believer that when you’ve made your bed you should lie in it. I picked my partner, I had kids with him, now I have to put up with him for the benefit of those kids. It’s unfair to make the kids suffer because I decide I’ve made a mistake in my choice of partner.

It’s a myth that kids always suffer. The majority turn out absolutely fine - plenty of doctors, lawyers, bankers with divorced parents. Those who have parents who stayed together just for the children usually say they wish they’d split and they don’t thank them for it. It also models an unhealthy relationship model. I was delighted when my mum left my dad and the worst thing I could imagine was them getting back together. He was quite abusive though.
If you decide to stay, fine, but it’s not because it’s best for the kids. It’s usually because the parent is scared of being single.

Also loads of women like to peddle the “when you’ve made your bed you have to lie in it” stuff because it makes them feel better about their own crappy marriages and they get to judge and disparage women who do decide they do want a better life and make out that they’re harming their kids in the process.

Well, research has shown that a divorce is as detrimental to children as a parental bereavement. It is necessary for those in dire marriages, less so for those who are just in the thick of exhausting circumstances but still have the foundation of a good relationship that will likely flourish when the pressure eases.

I almost got divorced for similar reasons; during lockdown I was bored, restless and depressed and felt like there was more to life.

We were getting along but we were more best friends than anything else and I missed the early days of excitement.

I wanted to leave but I also didn't and it was a rough time for us and I'm lucky he didn't tell me to just do one although he was also a bit of a knob during this time too.

2 years later I'm very glad we didn't pull the plug, nothing has really changed apart from my attitude. He's my best friend, we make a good team and although we aren't ripping each others clothes off I'm trying to make an effort. We make more of an effort to have dinner together or go on childfree occasions, even just a walk or a meal out somewhere.

We've been together nearly 20 years and after decades things change. It's companionship and friendship for a lot of the time, there will be rocky patches that need working through but if you make it through them it's all worth it. The grass might be greener but most likely it won't be, it might just be a different shade or it might all be gravel. In some cases a leap needs to be taken and a marriage needs to be ended but in mine and your case I think some TLC and realism is needed.

Op, I have three kids and once the youngest is in school, a little more capable and a little more able to regulate their mood and behaviour - there's time when you aren't just spinning plates and the additional headspace for yourself is like a turbo boost. Almost there.

I left a marriage where there was no abuse or serious difficulties but because I simply didn't love him anymore. It has been better for me but honestly, it would have been better for the children had I stayed, if only in purely practical terms in so far as they would live in one house. The guilt I feel about it is something I have to live with so I would encourage you to really, really think on this and make every effort to reconnect before you do anything. It worries me slightly that you compare your relationship to what you see on TV, much more realistic to compare it to what you see all around you in real life. Which is mostly people muddling along, having good and bad but mostly boring times. I do have friends with great marriages with great friendship, attraction and connection but they are the minority, especially in the thick of raising young children and working full time. If you leave, and especially if you say you have no sex drive, then you are unlikely to get that buzz with anyone else. I haven't in 8 years, or at least not anything that lasted.

50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you really think 50% of children are scarred by it? Obviously divorce can be traumatising depending on the situation, but as a child of divorced parents I'm fine with it, as are all my friends who have divorced parents.

Well if it will flourish. A lot of people stick it out, grow more resentful and then end up splitting anyway, perhaps at a time when it has a bigger impact on the kids. Thing is, if you have a bad relationship, you have a bad relationship. That will damage your kids, whether you stay together or not but at least if you split they will see that it’s not a normal one that people should put up with.
And parental death doesn’t involve conflict so while it’s very sad for kids for a period of time, they will normally bounce back without major adverse psychological effects, especially if they were young when it happened. Whereas constant tension and bickering over years can be very destructive. Basically the key is keeping kids away from conflict. If you’re friendly and don’t argue, do what you like, stay together, whatever. If you’re constantly fighting, you’re damaging your kids more by exposing them to this. And if you do split, be adults and don’t drag your kids into it (easier said than done).

I don’t see anything wrong with being a “boring” relationship as long as it’s a respectful environment. Fact is relationships aren’t like movies and especially after a few years together that can appear boring and life with young dc is especially hard but as DC grow up that does change.

I think a lot of people have a grass is greener mentality and that is certainly not always the case.

I know of a woman 50, left the DH after 20 years as she was bored. She now works in a retail job she hates, rent a tiny 1 bedroom place with no money left over for fun. Absolutely no chance of owning a home or retiring comfortably and will tell you herself divorcing him was a mistake. Yes the DH wasn’t the thrilling type but he was kind, generous and she was comfortable in life with a few good times added in.

My sister however ended her civil partnership as it was boring/ she had fallen out of love. She is happier now but that I think is partly down to her having the funds to travel more to beautiful locations.

This is a different kind of situation in that there’s no abuse, no bad feelings from both, no bickering in front of the kids, etc it’s 2 people living as if they are friends rather than as a couple so I can’t see how divorce will be more beneficial for the op and children. If OP has a sex drive then I’ll say life is too short to spend it on a sexless marriage but she doesn’t have one.
If you leave the marriage now, what will you be leaving for really? Just to be alone and carrying the burden of your household on your own? At the moment, when he’s working alone, you get to be on your own anyway though you can still see your friend when he’s back home, you share finances, can make decisions together and hopefully when the children are a bit older, you hopefully reconnect back together as a couple. I feel with work, young children, these things happen more than you think

it’s 2 people living as if they are friends

of the op is describing the relationship as “boring” and one where she picks up vast majority of childcare and also full time work… i doubt it’s “friendly” all that often

i suspect if he changed his job and wasn’t away for so much - things would deteriorate

How old are you op? I hit peri in my late 30s and made me very meh with everything

I am very much a believer in marriage being for life, through thick and thin etc. I am however (very nearly) divorced. I had to leave my exH after I discovered affair number 3. I stayed after the first two due to what I said in my first line and for our children. Affair number three, alongside literally tens of inappropriate relationships (think sexting, sending videos etc) tipped me over the edge and I ended the marriage but i wont lie, it broke me. I've had counselling for 3.5 years to deal with it all.
The point of my post though is you ask how to women do it... When the marriage ended (4.5 years ago) I had recently left my career (to help him facilitate his as he worked away a lot) and was working PT in a new role, on £20k and had a 4 year old and 8 year old, and no family nearby so very much alone (and lockdown started 3 weeks ish after he moved out!).
Anyway, 4 years after he moved out, I have my own house as he bought me out of the family home (I got half the equity - there wasn't much there tbh). I work FT but mostly from home so still manage schools runs etc and I earn about 3 times what I used to. So it is possible. Would I recommend it? No, absolutely not, not unless it's the only solution left. I am happy don't get me wrong, but life is messy and complicated and so so so so tiring and stressful!!

@Cristall would this be your advice if your child came to you unhappy i. their marriage?

I’m 39 and have actually been wondering about perimenopause but a little too young possibly?

poster wondering how friendly things are - we really don’t have drama, he works away a lot but he tries to organise it around days that I work, takes the children to their activities when he isn’t working.
course I have moments where I think I’m doing all the washing or annoyed because he left his rugby boots by the door.

I just feel like we are lost in the muddling through a busy life but shouldn’t we be doing that and still fancy each other, maybe that’s not realistic when you feel overloaded - something has to be bottom of priority pile.

Given that you're not interested in sex your husband probably finds life with you boring too. Probably best if you had a long chat to decide what would be best for both of you.

how old are your children?

Children are 3,5 and 9

how do you and DH spend your evenings together?

If I’m working I wouldn’t get home until 10 so the evening has gone by that point but on a normal night it’s usually getting the kids ready for bed, have something to eat then watch tv then bed… and repeat.
we don’t have family near or childcare so have fallen into the rut of sitting in front of the tv after dinner

I didn't say they were scarred by it, I said it had significant detrimental effects - and these can be statistically observed as being worse than for those children coping with bereavement.

Here:

www.demographic-research.org/articles/volume/46/20/

do you have dinner together? watch any tv shows together? talk about your days?

if you’re not getting home until 10, be must do a decent amount of childcare?