Boring marriage but easier life

[LookingOutMyWindow]

I’m in a boring marriage- we are more friends than a couple.
My husband is a nice guy, good dad but he can be grumpy and works away a lot so the juggle of childcare / my work falls to me.
we plod along but I don’t fancy him anymore (been together 20years) I don’t really have a sex drive so I’m not bothered if we don’t have sex.

If I divorced we would have to sell the house because I can not afford it on my own so then me and kids would be in a small rented place, I would have my children half the time and I’d basically struggle for money.
surely I’m not the only one who stays in a marriage so life isn’t a struggle?

I see all the time people saying ‘just leave, it will be fine’
but I literally wouldn’t be able to pay mortgage, bills and have the lifestyle we have now.
i don’t understand how women do it when they are only working part time as the children are still young / no childcare

aibu to think it’s just easier to be meh about marriage but have an easier life

I get you. I think the crucial thing is do the kids pick up on any unhappiness or lack of affection?

If you’re bumbling along fine and all friendly with no arguments there’s something to be said for boring but with no drama. Then reassess when they’ve left home and make a plan to work towards that now.

My DH is a workaholic who travels a lot and is unaffectionate unless he wants sex! We still have sex because when we get in to it I enjoy it. But I don’t really have a sex drive at 48.

He is kind, funny and a good Dad who works hard. I guess I could do worse!

There's a difference between staying in a boring marriage vs a bad one. You're friends, you plod along OK, I think that's fine.
I think staying in a marriage where you're miserable, arguing, not being nice to eachother is wrong.

Not much in the OP's post about how her husband feels about any of this? If I realised my partner didn't fancy me, love me or want to have sex with me any more, and only stayed because I was helping fund their lifestyle, I would leave. There'd be no point staying. It's not a meaningful relationship any more.

It's also quite hard to disguise any of that, so I assume the penny is slowly dropping for the husband.

In other words the OP may think she has a dilemma over whether to stay but ultimately it may not be up to her.

Where does it say the op doesn't love her dh anymore? I'm just seeing that it isn't thrilling and particularly lustful.

Stay put! Struggling financially is miserable. Carve out a life for yourself. A friend of mine is leaving her husband, a perfectly nice but dull guy. Her life style is about to fall off a cliff, she’s in her 60s so has no chance of meaningfully changing her financial outlook. I think she’s nuts!

If you plod along nicely enough and aren't unhappy then maybe that's what marriage can be like for the long term?

Single life is hard.

OP you say you don't have much of a sex drive at all, so could this come into why you don't feel as if you fancy your DH.

I know many couples like this, especially older ones with kids left home and retirement on the cards ...most lead seperate but happy lives, the occasional dalliance ( mostly from the woman!) , no boat rocking just living ok lives .

Exactly. If her husband feels the same, OP might find herself in that position involuntarily.

We can all see the dissatisfaction, but not really any sense of whether OP wants to change things in their relationship beyond keeping the financial stability.

If you're happy I don't see a problem. It's when husbands are horrible or not pulling their weight that I think it becomes a different issue.

Depends what you value in life I suppose.

I could never live the way you do. My relationship was abusive so it's different, I left it and lived in a homeless hostel with DS, eventually got a council flat.

I don't have much spare money, but I would never trade in my life for a mortgage and fancier lifestyle. I would never accept less in a relationship. But I'm used to this life now and I don't need anything material as I've never had it anyway, so I guess I don't miss what I never had in that sense.

She's existing in a relationship primarily because her husband works away a lot. That doesn't sound like a happy relationship to model to her young children....

But long relationships wax and wane with energy levels and sex drives. It's not a uniform entity. The op mentions childcare and I expect, if they are juggling small children and busy work schedules, this is a typical trough. A life long marriage spans decades of different phases and rolling with them is part of the deal. Obviously domestic abuse aus a deal breaker and no one should be telling anyone to stick around and see if they can ride that out. It's a completely different question.

Do you think the alternatives are better, though? Modelling a divorce, or a blended family? In this instance I don't think they are, particularly.

You are bringing up what I hope are lovely children. The job your DH has may have always been with travel away from home, indeed if that was the case before you married, was something you knew about.

Boring yes, but does not seem a reason to separate.

He's nice. You like him. Your life is comfortable. My advice would be - make your marriage and your own life less boring!

What on earth could you do alone, with less money, in insecure accommodation, that you can't do now in a good, stable marriage to a nice man? If your DH works away a lot, you could not guarantee having DC 50% of the time. He might end up with EOW custody. You'd be a single mum without the space, income, security and spousal back up you had before. Not a recipe for happiness, freedom or excitement.

Have some fun together - go to some shows and gigs and weekends away. Make some plans. And liven up your own life - get fit, do a degree or train for a new career. Don't expect a man to provide the entertainment in your life and don't expect a long marriage to thrive without big effort at times.

Pretty questionable benefits, I'd say. The day my mum left my dad was the best day of my life.

We get along fine- we hardly argue and we do have a laugh.
I supposed it’s just not the passionate romance you see on tv. Partly I think I’m just not in the mind set anymore, by the time the kids are in bed and I’m not working then I just want to sit on the sofa and relax for an hour or two.

I know some have mentioned a fancy lifestyle and not needing material things but it’s not just that. If I was a single parent my children would be worse off. We are not rich by any means but my children can do the activities they want, holidays, day trips. If it was just me then I would struggle to pay rent never mind all the extras.

it just seems selfish to throw our stable family unit away because I don’t fancy my husband and want to rip his clothes off anymore.
I get the feeling my husband is kind of similar, we do have sex (not often) and he will sometimes joke about having more sex but then says how tired he is all the time, doesn’t make any effort himself and usually falls asleep on the sofa/ comes to bed later than me.
maybe we are just in a rut of young children (3 under 10) juggling work , I work shifts around his job and just not prioritising each other

Come on, now - give yourself a fighting chance, three kids under 10 and you think the relationship is lacking because it doesn't look like a TV romance? It wouldn't just be selfish to jack it in, it sounds entirely ridiculous. How old is your youngest?

I think it would be madness to divorce, in that case. Things will most likely get better when the children get older: three under 10 is very full on, no wonder you don't have much sex drive! All long term relationships go through peaks and troughs, I see nothing here worth splitting up a family for.

"I supposed it’s just not the passionate romance you see on tv"

But that is not real. Do you think that people who are married 20/30 years constantly want to rip each others clothes off all the time. To be honest, it sounds like you'd feel just as bored with life if you left him?

I think if you get along that's more than many can say - do you prefer being with him or apart from him?

Sadly I don't think passionate, sexy new relationships really happen to non celebrities after 40 or so (I know I generalise!). It's more about compatibility of personality and sense of fun.

@greyonwhitesky a very accurate post for many.

I "just left" because my partner was emotionally abusive. It was hard and my standard of living plummeted (in a financial sense) but living with him was much harder.