Boring marriage but easier life

[LookingOutMyWindow]

I’m in a boring marriage- we are more friends than a couple.
My husband is a nice guy, good dad but he can be grumpy and works away a lot so the juggle of childcare / my work falls to me.
we plod along but I don’t fancy him anymore (been together 20years) I don’t really have a sex drive so I’m not bothered if we don’t have sex.

If I divorced we would have to sell the house because I can not afford it on my own so then me and kids would be in a small rented place, I would have my children half the time and I’d basically struggle for money.
surely I’m not the only one who stays in a marriage so life isn’t a struggle?

I see all the time people saying ‘just leave, it will be fine’
but I literally wouldn’t be able to pay mortgage, bills and have the lifestyle we have now.
i don’t understand how women do it when they are only working part time as the children are still young / no childcare

aibu to think it’s just easier to be meh about marriage but have an easier life

Why don't you fancy him? Does he give you the ick or is it a case of life has gotten in the way? If the latter then you most likely still do fancy him and need to get creative to get things going again. We set aside two date nights a week, could be anything from watching a movie together to dinner and drinks at home. Like you, we have young kids so don't go out. We also do games night, cocktail hour, and random creative stuff for birthdays/anniversaries. We had a very dry spell in the bedroom due to life's pressures but that is very much back on track and way better than when we first started going out and it really did come down to reprioritising us as a couple. Sounds like you have a good foundation and a loving husband to get that going with.

What you describe is business as usual for a significant amount of couples. If it works for you, you should be not paying attention to what other people say.

I am perhaps slightly older than most mumsnetters (50s). IME marriages ebb and flow and the thresholds for what give and take will also vary. Only the individuals in charge can ultimately decide on this. For me I can say there were (long) periods when it felt like we were plodding on. Particularly early on when the kids were small and we were tired and strapped for cash. Later on though the spark returned and we had better periods. So in a marriage where you get on, he is not abusive and there was passion once, I think it can be put back together. Maybe you just both need to recognise this and work on it?

If you are friends and get on, I'd try and do things to make your marriage more interesting - unlikely you'll get back to how things were when you met, but if you could make some mutual effort to bring some romance and connection back. It doesn't need to be going out as you mentioned that's hard. You're in a common tough period with young kids, money and work pressures, but as you say, splitting isn't going to ease this.

A fairly realistic one

This is my situation too. And it’s ok. My DC are older though.

He works away - bliss. Run your errands when he is at home being grumpy. Your marriage sounds a lot like mine, and probably thousands of others.

You need to actively try and salvage your relationship first. Book a babysitter once a month. Consider it an investment in your relationship. Then go out, dinner, drinks etc and spend time talking to each other and enjoying each others company.

Do this for a year and really make an effort.

Then after a year review the situation, and sit down with him and agree next steps.

Huh?
Do you really think there is nothing interesting about a woman other than sex she is able to provide. My partner and I have a ton of shared interests and sex is only one of them. We went through a dry spell a while back and still found each other's company very engaging.

Perhaps, but definitely not an enviable one and not one their kids should be aiming for

Yeah, but if she leaves her DH there's no guarantee she's going to meet the flamenco dancing Prince Charming fated love of her life either?

In fact realistically speaking, children of single parents end up more damaged/are exposed to more emotional and lifestyle stressors than children of 2 middle class parents plodding along in a lukewarm, companionable marriage.

To be fair, it isn’t just women. Both my sets of grandparents had utterly awful marriages. On my mother’s side it was 100% my grandfather’s fault, but on my dad’s side it was 100% my grandmother’s fault. Both my parents said they wished their own parents had divorced. Growing up with unhappily married parents is wretched.

OP you are really in the thick of it now. Your kids and your job are insanely demanding!
Having a partner who is undemanding, more of a solid rock than a red hot tempestuous lover, it’s probably a blessing in disguise.
Maybe you are looking for something to be in your life which picks you up and is super fun, but I bet your partner feels the same. You’re both in the trenches right now.

The grass is greener where you water it. It doesn’t sound like anything fundamentally wrong - but both of you need to put the effort in. Hard to do with 3 under 10, but it gets better.

The fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce doesn't mean that 50% of children have divorced parents. This is because some people are serial divorcees, and in fact if you have divorced once you are statistically more likely to divorce again.

51% of children don’t even have married parents when they are born. Somehow people manage to grow up okay.

Well yes, exactly. So you can't say 50% of children have divorced parents if over half of parents aren't married in the first place.

No but it’s probably a fair guess that around half of children will have their parents either get divorced or split at some point during their lives. Cohabitation breaks down at a higher rate than marriage.

People grow up ok in all sorts of situations, it doesn’t mean they were happy with them.
children who’s parents smoke in the house also grow up ok, but I don’t think that’s a reason to think it’s completely fine

Just because is it a common situation doesn't mean that it doesn't have observable, deleterious affects on a child's life.

I mean, if it's some comfort that lots of children are similarly disadvantaged, that's fine. But that's not the same as - doesn't have an effect.

All of this, plus the ex husband's chances of finding another partner will be much higher than hers.

I think having young adult children still at home, makes it harder for date nights at home. They go to bed late!!!
I’m glad my DP’s stuck it out.

My kids are executing a pincer movement, my youngest (10) is up at six and my oldest (17) is rattling about after I've gone to bed. 😏

It's fine to stay together based on friendship if that's what you are both happy with. Especially when you are much older.

But what if one of you needs the X factor? Or just meets someone?

This is why communication is so important. Don't assume that what you were happy with last month, year, is the same for the other.

You both need to touch base regularly to make sure you are both happy. Don't assume that what once was will always be.

Children always know when things aren’t right in their parents’ marriage