WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

[Aquamarine1029]

I would ask her one last time. Tell her to say yes or no, right now. She needs some furniture, FGS.

[EmilyTjP]

I like how you come and update us on your daughter ☺️ I feel like I know her life well 🤣

[6pence]

Ask her if she’s happy for you to buy them on the basis you’ll sell them if she doesn’t like it.

[ghostyslovesheets]

If she has no furniture it might be better to start with a bed and sofa?

maybe she doesn’t want to buy things off FB marketplace?

just give her the money

[PlasticOno]

Are you sitting on the floor to eat your takeaway at the moment?

[Mastmw7g]

@ghostyslovesheets in her bedroom she has a futon I bought her. She didn't pick it out. She just said she wanted a futon and I bought it. Her grandmother has been offering to buy her a mattress and bed. She doesn't want a sofa. She saw these pictures online of floor cushions and has tried to recreate that.

And this is embarrassing, but my husband is not supportive of giving her money. He thought it was ridiculous I wanted to spend so much on a birthday.

[Woohow]

Kit her place out with stuff from freecycle and tell her you'll buy her stuff to replace it once she has decided what she wants.

[Mastmw7g]

@PlasticOno We stand in the kitchen mostly.

[VestPantsandSocks]

I think you are doing this from a good place.

But if she has moved out, then you really need to let her do this herself.

Yes - you can make suggestions or give her the money but ultimately, it really is up to her.

Let her breathe!!

[Singleandproud]

Unless she has SEN and needs additional support leave her be. It takes a while to work out your own style and you really don't need much if living alone. By all means give her cash or vouchers and accompany her but let her choose in her own time.
If you want a table and chairs buy camping ones so they can be put into storage and used again later.

I felt rushed buying my furniture, got good quality wooden stuff and can't sell it because I'd never get back what I paid for it.

[Mastmw7g]

@Woohow I don't think I have the nerve to kit it out without her permission! I'm worried about her reaction about a dining set with pieces she's already said she liked.

[Octavia64]

I don't think you should buy furniture for her.

It may be important to you but it clearly isn't to her otherwise she would prioritise it.

If you want somewhere to sit when you go over buy a chair for you, camping or otherwise.

[Ineedwinenow]

What I would do so your not coming across as interfering is buy a couple of cheap folding camping chairs (and maybe a fold away tiny table)?? and leave them there, that way you and your daughter can sit down and eat / chat but your not buying her furniture against her wishes either, standing up to eat isn’t ideal and I don’t think I’d fancy sitting on cushions on the floor so camping chairs would be a compromise

[FancyBiscuitsLevel]

She’s moved out - this isn’t your job now. Give her the money you’d be prepared to spend for furniture. Accept she might choose to spend it on something else.

do not buy furniture for her without her choosing it.

[SnakesAndArrows]

Do you think your worrying about her furniture is displacement activity for worrying about her mental health?

Someone looking after a sick loved one and having no interest in having any chairs to sit on is not in a good place.

[Mastmw7g]

@FancyBiscuitsLevel My husband would never agree to me giving her money. He didn't even like the idea of me buying her a dining set, but begrudgingly said fine.

[KreedKafer]

Are you the person who regularly posts about what conditions your daughter has to meet for you to allow her to leave university, how to find her a job, what to do when she says she wants to leave the job you found for her, whether you should withdraw support when she has a job you don't approve of, etc?

I understand why you have concerns about her, but I think you just need to take a step back. She's an adult and that it's up to her if she wants to sit on the floor instead of at a table and chairs. It's really nice that you're happy to buy her some furniture, but I think perhaps when someone has other priorities, constantly trying to push it to get sorted just comes across as fussing.

I think that in general, you need to ease off on the input you have into her choices and lifestyle now that she's an adult. I totally appreciate that this all comes from a good place but I don't think it's necessarily the best dynamic.

[MeMyCatsAndMyBooks]

Do it. I'm sure she'll over the moon.

[Penguinmouse]

Don’t buy her stuff she might not want - but you could get her vouchers for IKEA/Dunelm/furniture shop of choice so that she has money for them specifically.

[DGPP]

Ignore your husband. But no, you need to go shopping with your daughter to buy the table and chairs together, or look online together. You should only buy something she definitely wants. If she doesn’t know her style help her find it using Pinterest etc. she is an adult, help her to learn how to make her own choices

[Mrsjayy]

I don't understand why she hasn't any furniture not even a seat to sit on Is her place rented or bought? Does she have any additional needs because not having anything in your home is unusual , I wouldn't be pussy footing around any of my children if they lived like this.

[Mrsjayy]

I'd take her to ikea or wherever and say do you want this,this or this..

[Saymyname28]

Send her a picture of the table and chairs with "I'm thinking this for your birthday, if you don't like it let me know ASAP" if she doesn't say she doesn't like it then buy it. Sounds like she's daunted by the idea of kitting out an empty place, if she doesn't like this it'll at least help her find out what she does like.

[Mastmw7g]

@Mrsjayy

I don't understand why she hasn't any furniture not even a seat to sit on Is her place rented or bought? Does she have any additional needs because not having anything in your home is unusual , I wouldn't be pussy footing around any of my children if they lived like this.

She's renting. She's struggled with anxiety in the past, which may be why she's having trouble making a decision now.

[Mastmw7g]

@Mrsjayy

I'd take her to ikea or wherever and say do you want this,this or this..

I took her to ikea. She brought her boyfriend and they had fun talking about what they liked, but she didn't want me to buy anything that day.