AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

[Ewg9]

Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

Your mil sounds like someone to be admired, a strong, successful woman. Most people would kill to be in your position. You can’t dictate people’s speech. Mil is older and has more life experience and in her mind she’s sharing that experience with you. Be polite. Take what you want and leave the rest, as far as advice. If you want more independence, start preparing a move down the road when you can afford to support yourselves without a free house. Also, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. There may come a time when mil is going to come to the rescue and you will want to feel good about that, not resentful. Get some exercise if you’re not already. You need those feel good endorphins.

Yes, mil is an absolute bitch. Lets them live rent free and cooks them a Sunday dinner once a week, apart from which she leaves them alone. Horrible woman. 🙄

Yes she's letting you live rent free, but that shouldn't mean you are totally beholden to her

Totally beholden to her @user1485851222 ? The only thing that MIL is doing is seeing them once a week, which includes making them their Sunday dinner! How on earth does that imply that she thinks they should be totally beholden? She lives next door and charges them no rent and she sees them once a week. She basically expects nothing. Most local GPs who don't pay for the roof over their kids head would still see them more than once a week!

She obviously is not letting you live rent free out of the goodness of her heart and seems to think it gives her the right to push boundaries

@Lostwelshlady where is MIL pushing boundaries? And where is she giving any impression that she's not funding them out of the goodness of her heart?

Seriously are you two reading the same thread as the rest of us?

I don’t understand what people mean about pandering to your MIL or her thinking she has power over you because she gives you free accommodation (though frankly that wouldn’t be an outrageous position!).
It seems to be that she is asking for less than many a GP who gives no financial support or lives much further away expects.

You could canvas the whole of MN to find another MIL who lives next door, but only expects one weekly contact, and who also provides free accommodation. I don’t think you’ll find one!

If you don’t like the area, is moving a possibility OP? Are you and your DH able to take on a mortgage or pay market rent in an area you do like? One thing is for sure, the longer you can save by living rent free the sooner that will be the case. Has uber controlling cruella-in-law factored that into her evil plan I wonder 😂

If you are a mn regular you surely know there are many far worse Mils.

Maybe you could do Sunday lunch at yours, with advantage of baby minder in situ.

Yeah she's a fucking monster that MIL!

She's moved in next to them, so she can encroach on their bonding time ..... oh hang on they moved in next to her!

She lets them live rent free, just so she can cook them dinner in a Sunday and see her grandchild.

She's fucking awful!

How dare she be so demanding!

@Lostwelshlady you sound quite unable to be rational.....

Your post is ridiculous

Fucking hell, 5/6 hours over the course of a week and you think that's unreasonable?

I get you've potentially got MIL issues, but what a projection!

She's not doing it out of the goodness of her heart.... why's she doing it then?

She seems to be getting little else from it!

So move and pay your own rent.

Oh come on.

Ask new grandma if there's any day(s) of the week, she'd be prepared to look after baby for an hour at her home next door?

You and mil don't have to tolerate each other and she can have 1:1 time with new grandchild.

You could, like, have a bath, snooze, do some housework? And peace of mind knowing baby is right next door, close-by.

Let's face mil has 38 years experience of raising two sons who adore her - so it's not like she has poor parenting skills.

And finally - you have a free home, no rent??? And probably no income to move away.

So I'd make room for mil to build a relationship with GC - outside your immediate presence.

I'd join a mothers' toddlers' group - to get emotional support from other new mothers, who feel harrassed by all the experts - aka anyone who has ever raised a child.

And since you only see mil once a week anyway, despite living next door - I'd thank your lucky stars that you have a very restrained mil for 6 days of the week and also cultivate a relationship with one of the best and most convenient babysitters you will ever have.

Yes this is true. And even without the rent aspect once a week isn’t unusual for a family member ( especially one living so close) to see you. As you’ve pointed out, your mum does too.

TBh it sounds like you don’t like her but want the advantages of her without having her in your life. All grandparents make comments about the baby being difficult/ easy etc.

And I’m not MIL’s age yet I can definitely see that if I were offering free rent and a home cooked Sunday roast to a new mum and only intruding once a week even though my new gc was so close by , I’d be seriously wondering what more I could do. What would your perfect MIL look like OP? A weekly cheque in the post from her home in Antarctica?

Get your own place and set the boundaries you want.

Simple answer... Get your own place.

You are a lucky lady and your child is lucky to have a grandmother who can give you a house for free. There are many people who have to work 40/50 hours a week to achieve this and you are complaining about a Sunday lunch. Your mil may only be trying to see positives by mentioning your great labour and a good baby. Look after yourself and enjoy your baby and practice gratitude .

Well aren’t you a beacon of positivity.
What part exactly is s*e?
How exactly do I need to get over myself? By telling a new mum she doesn’t have to put up with having her experience as a new mum made more difficult by what she perceives is an overbearing mum in law? Seems I’ve touched a nerve there, no?

They're is absolutely nothing overbearing about a mother in law who lives next door and has a five month old grandchild, and only attempts to see them once a week. That's behaviour that's as from overbearing as it gets. She's a beacon of self control and whatever the opposite of neediness is.

It doesn't remotely help OP to pretend that she's not being entirely unreasonable in resenting the woman who pays for the roof over her head, seeing her family once a week.

On what way am I incapable of being rational?! How is irrational to support a new mum who wants boundaries so she, she and dc can bond in a way she’s comfort, without interferon mil?

Any amount of hours a week is unreasonable if you’re not comfortable with it, whether it’s 1 hr, 5/6 or more- if it’s unwanted it’s too much.

There’s lots of reasons mil could want them living next door which are not well intended- it’s very common to have MIL who don’t respect boundaries, especially when it comes to sons so your assumption is compromised in the opposite direction.

Original poster has already said she feels unfairly criticised by mil at what is a really sensitive time, but you’re implying she should just put up with it because MIL “only” wants 5/6 hrs. If they moved house how many hours should she have to put up with being uncomfortable? 1? 2? More/less? Where is your compassion for a new mum who wants time to bond with her husband and child without mil? You seem to imply she’s not entitled to that in the way she wants because they live in her house. It’s this kind of attitude which means unfortunately finance and family don’t mix.

They moved next to her, not IN with her.

They don’t pay rent so what does that mean? Original poster should just out up with being uncomfortable and feel she is being unfairly criticised? If she doesn’t want to spend EVERY Sunday as a new family with MIL she shouldn’t have too- providing their housing doesn’t mean mil is entitled to encroach on their family time if they don’t want it.

Did you miss the part where she invites herself over on the last night of paternity leave when original poster just wanted it to be the three of them? Or when original poster feels criticised as a new mum? Way to be supportive 🙄

Where is your compassion for a new mum who wants time to bond with her husband and child without mil?

The baby is five months old. If they haven't yet bonded as a family, to the point that the grandma inviting them for lunch on Sundays is a threat to their bonding, something is very badly wrong.

That’s not accurate is it? Only “attempts” to see them once a week, or expects it for “putting a roof over their head”. It’s not really being helpful if your “help” comes with emotional blackmail. They need to move if they want any kind of healthy dynamic moving forward.

@Lostwelshlady oh bless OP wants boundaries does she? Well move out, pay rent and set them....... simple!

She feels unsupported l? But lives rent free? I'd say that's very supported?

Doesn't want to go every Sunday? Stay home, let her DH go and take the baby?

Honestly, MIL came over once against her wishes? What did her DH want?

As PP says if they haven't bonded yet as a family after five months...... why not?

How the fuck is once a week an over bearing MIL ? There is a grandchild involved , or should she only see her once a month or whatever when it suits her . Her husband and child are not her Possessions and she doesn’t OWN them either and she can’t dictate to him how often he sees his mother who only lives next door just because she has insecurities and wants husband all too herself .If she don’t want to go she don’t have too . She can stay home and cook her own meal . The child is 5 months not 5 days , bonding surely has taken place and it’s time to get into reality for heavens sake . What is shite is everything you said . She obviously is letting them live rent free out of the goodness of her heart , what do you think it is ? You are the one with the touched nerve , not me. I have no reason to be. You are because you have issues with your own mil .