AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

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Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

I think you are being particularly unkind to @Daleksatemyshed and grandparents in general. Yes I am a grandparent. As far as I can tell from the OP the free house is not conditional upon enduring Sunday lunch. Have you or the OP ever thought that cooking Sunday lunch is a generous gesture? I totally agree that no grandparent should offer unasked for advice, nor yet criticise, nor pass judgement on anybody’s birth. BUT no young parent should even entertain the idea that grandparents should do housework or ironing!
Like other posters I think the OP should sort out their own accommodation and also speak to a health professional as her complaints are rather unreasonable.

Yeah this.

Your baby isn't a prized possession OP that you keep to yourself. That's her grandson and your husbands son. They are all immediate family to your son.

She sounds like a delight and you've got a free house to live in. Shoot her down for wanting to see her family and grandson once a week!

@Ineedcoffee2021 I totally agree about keeping it separate, i would never allow MIL to pay my way.

Im just saying that it hasn't (i don't think) been outlined why MIL is giving them a property rent free, but unless it was a condition, then she absolutely shouldn't expect weekly visits or rigid meetings just because of the rent. That feels very transactional.

Maybe they want to be alone on a Sunday. I could never live like that! Its awful.

Yeah but that's YOUR mother in law.

This one sounds like a gem.

I'm actually finding it hard to believe this is real. Free house, roasts cooked, once a week contact.

And apparently MIL is encroaching on their 'family time' once a week??

OP sounds ungrateful. If she doesn't like it, move and pay her way like the rest of us. She really expects to live in a house for free, have roasts cooked, have the housework done for her, MIL not allowed to make any jokes or lighthearted comments, and not allowed to come and see her grandson for a week?

Seriously?

Another MIL bashing thread. This sounds like a DIL from hell situation here!

OP, you must have seen this coming - the red flags were waving at you. For a start, she hasn't suddenly turned into a 'monster' overnight - you say she's been controlling, a family matriarch type figure. Well, there you go - how did you ever think this would pan out well? You live in HER house, you don't pay rent - for heaven's sake, how much more do you want? Actually, in some ways you sound really ungrateful and entitled, and although it's understandable you have a lot going on with a lovely new baby, you do need to give your head a shake here. It's no good moaning about a situation you walked into - it's not solely your partner's fault.

Leave and rent privately elsewhere. Yes, it's going to cost you and you'll get a shock at the reality of paying your way - you are very 'cushioned' at the moment and you need to realise that going your own way will bring its' own problems and be costly (very). But if you want your independence, this is the price you pay.

And thats why deals like this need to be carefully thought through
Cos family will have that expectation and pushback is hard without it turning into 'but i give you a house to live in' 'but im not your property cos i live here'

no winners just anger and arguments

I couldnt do it either lol, was glad MIL lived over an hour away and we had space

You live rent free with a weekly roast thrown in for good measure all for a once a week visit! YABU OP and you do sound like you’re struggling a bit. Speak to your DH about maybe moving out but be prepared to take the financial implications of this.

Why is it always the woman's responsibility to maintain relationships with her family AND her husband's family?

Of course most women prefer their own mothers over a woman who isn't their mother, that's natural. But it's not a problem if the husband takes full responsibility for maintaining a relationship with his own parents and ensuring his children see his parents regularly. If your son doesn't bother with you, it's HIS fault (or yours), not his wife's.

YANBU to feel how you feel but there is absolutely no way you can reduce contact whilst you live in a house which she owns and for which you pay no rent. Plus it would be cruel- she’d be able to hear her GC through the walls and not visit. If you don’t like it you both need to move and stop taking her hand outs- then you’ll be in a much stronger position to set stronger boundaries.

This is AIBU, not Relationships.

The OP asked here so people will disagree.

You really need to move and get your own place. While you're living in her house she has something over you.

If you have lived rent free for a year you should have enough saved up for a rental deposit. What are you waiting for? Or do you want to continue living rent free until you have enough saved up for an outright purchase?

Indeed and if the OP is as depressed as she sound then telling her the problem is her MiL will only delay seeking actual help.

This jumped out at me from the OP:

"She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time"

This is the kind of thing people will often say when you are down - to help remember the positive things in life and sometimes they pick the wrong "positives". However for someone in a regular down patch/blue funk this can help form a more positive view. For someone actually depressed it will often seem like an attack.

If the latter is the case here she needs to see the GP, not be deterred from seeking advice because PPs are blaming the awfulness local grandma who has hosted them for lunch once a week.

She shouldn't be being critical but to be honest saying you have a good baby is probably her trying to be positive so I wouldn't take offence at that. I also think living nextdoor and seeing you once a week is very restrained of her, I think most grans living alone and nextdoor to son and GC would want more than that.

I don't blame her about the housework, if she doesn't want to do her own why would she want to do yours? Someone holding the baby for a couple of hours while you get on with things can be great, my mum used to do that and I was grateful.

Living nextdoor isn't something to blame her for, it is her house and she was there first. Living rent free is great financially, have you been able to save to pay a deposit to rent or buy? If you haven't you are a bit stuck which is hard if you aren't comfortable about it so sympathies for you but that isn't her fault. If you hate the house and the area can you start making plans to change that? Could you afford the move if you return to work at the end of maternity leave? I think an end date can make things a lot more bearable.

Could DH go round on Sunday while you stay at home to cook? Or maybe some weeks you do something else on a Sunday and DH goes round with baby on a Saturday. I think taking back a bit of control might make you feel better even if it is just tinkering round the edges.

Am I, a 36 year old, allowed a favourable opinion of the woman housing OP and seeking nothing out of the ordinary in return, or what's the cut off?

BTW that was a simply extraordinary ending to a first paragraph which began with a denial of your ageism.

Bit ageist there bilo
Just because grandparents are of a certain age and I am we don’t all have the same expectations so no we’re not all typical.
I agree with other pp that perhaps as long as your OK with it why not let your husband take the baby to visit his mum while you have some downtime.
Would she be upset if you told her how you felt. Is it her first grandchild she’s probably like your mum caught up with the excitement, and it is overwhelming. Hope things get better for you.

Spoiled and entitled !!

"MY" baby time????

How old is she BTW? If she is old and living alone you are both taking advantage by living rent free but not checking up on her more often.

I'm not the poster you're replying to, but I see nothing objectionable in a shortening of "my time with the baby".

YES! It’s the only time she is ALLOWED contact time, so effectively it is HER baby time. It doesn’t mean it’s her bloody baby.

It's AIBU, a question was asked?

I did comment that OP should see Dr and HV as I think she's showing signs of PND actually

It's people like you coming up with nonsense that I'm saying are being more unreasonable. No excuse for you.

And as PP said your posts are getting more bonkers and not relevant to the OP!

If you don’t appreciate the house just move.
As it is I’m guessing as you’re not paying a mortgage or rent you are able to save to buy your own and this free house will get you there quicker.

So you're okay with her paying for you to live with your family but she irritates you?

Stand on your own two feet l, pay your way and make your life choices.

Agree with other views on here in relation to very lucky to be living rent free and seeing baby once a week not unreasonable. I think you are very fortunate, your MIL is obviously making financial sacrifices for you and you are indebted to her because of it.