AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

[Ewg9]

Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

YABU

Once a week?!
That’s nothing.

Free rent and a cooked dinner once a week?

Sounds very fair.

A once weekly visit won’t be interfering with any bonding.

Maybe you feel your husband likes the company of his mum?

If you don’t like it, move out and pay your own way- She’s saving you at least £1k a month in rent.

MIL sounds great to me. She obviously cares about you all.
Take advantage of her kindness and get some time for yourself. Take baby next door for an hour or two and go home and do whatever you wish, be it housework or relaxing.
Then MIL is not in your space, as it obviously annoys you.
So many people would be beyond grateful to be in your situation. Rethink your attitude and find the positives instead of the negatives.
You can make this a rewarding relationship for you all.

@BudsBeginingSpringinSight

OP said her own mother cooks and does jobs for her. She didn't specify what jobs but it is not unreasonable to assume an element of housework is involved.

MIL and DIL relationships can be so tricky, and I think throwing babies and hormones into the mix further complicates things. I know my relationship with my (already difficult) MIL massively deteriorated when I had my first, sadly. Though she was quite overbearing and basically treated me like an incubator for her precious (grand)baby... Yours doesn't sound too bad by comparison, tbh!

However, gently, you live next door in her house, for free. It sounds like you're already kind of seeing her the bare minimum, considering? Moving is the obvious solution if you feel that's too much.

YABU. Not only do you live rent-free courtesy of your MIL, the main thing is that she’s not intruding on you at all. You only see her once a week. I’m not the world’s biggest MIL fan by any stretch of the imagination, but yours sounds fine. How do you think she’s feeling? Probably a bit sad and used that you go round there to have her cook for you and aren’t more grateful.

Personally, I think you’re mis-directing your unhappiness and blaming MIL when really you’re generally a bit unhappy. Perhaps it’s hormones, perhaps it’s tiredness (I note you list all the issues you and baby have had) but I think you’re wrong to blame your MIL.

Concentrate on getting out more, relaxing more, and your own mental and physical health. The first months with a baby are hard but you’ll see it getting easier soon.

IMO, you are being thoroughly unreasonable. You live in her house rent free, she cooks a nice workout mwah for you, and you begrudge her seeing her grandchild just once a week (and for that she's stuck in the kitchen most of the time).

Living so close, I'd expect her to be seeing the baby much more than once a week. If you lived apart, but relatively local, once a week isn't unreasonable either.

As for her 'comment', of course she shouldn't be coming round and doing your chores just because you've had a baby. Baby has two parents. I find this incredibly entitled. And yes, I've had babies. My guests and family spend time with a baby, they didn't do my chores. If you want a cleaner, then part for one out of the tens of thousands of pounds you are saving annually in rent.

Anyone else think the MIL has decided that shes damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t, so shes stopping cooking the roasts? She probably thinks it’s not appreciated, so why bother?

Why not just let your DH take the baby round there and you can get some rest, see your friends, chill in the bath? My brothers see my parents all the time without my SIL’s. There is no animosity with them, but my brothers pop in all the time when passing.

TBH I think your MIL will be happier too if you stay home. I feel sorry for her TBH. If you treated me like that I’d be asking you both to leave.

My MIL tells me all the time I’ve had easy children. I have, and I’m glad of it. When she says it, I think yes phew. It’s not an insult.

Why should she do your cleaning? She's saving you having to pay rent so if you want a cleaner pay one

Anyone else think the MIL has decided that shes damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t, so shes stopping cooking the roasts? She probably thinks it’s not appreciated, so why bother?

Absolutely, I imagine she is sick of being the outsider too. She can probably hear the baby through the walls, but only sees him once a week, when yet again she isn't interacting with the baby, she can just hear him while cooking for everyone. It's sad really.

Congratulations on your little one OP, you’re doing a great job and it’s not easy! We don’t know the full picture of course but it while it sounds like maybe you
are being a tad unreasonable, there’s in a way nothing unreasonable about being unreasonable when you’re five months post partum and I hope you feel support rather than criticism.

Just from what you say, it sounds like your MIL has not really done anything wrong but rather that you are understandably stressed and sensitive about things. Yes, she may have made a few slightly tactless comments but not much to remark on really.

I’m actually amazed that living next door she only sees the baby once a week, that’s quite restrained on her part and a really interfering or overbearing MIL would be round at yours much more I think given the proximity.

Also while you don’t like the house or location, that doesn’t change her generosity in letting you live there rent free, since she could have paying tenants there.

It’s important you feel comfortable of course, I think maybe you could try and reframe your perspective on your MIL a bit but also chat to your DH about moving to an area you’d prefer if that’s affordable.

Kindly, the early days of parenthood can feel very intense. When you look back in two years time the challenges you have now really won’t feel so hard - they will have been replaced by the challenges of toddlerhood! I don’t think your MIL sounds so bad really, everyone says silly things sometimes and living rent free is a fairly big deal. I’d send you DH on his own ever other weekend and have a bit of child-free time to yourself. The first time you do it will feel massive but it’s good for you and will help you keep perspective.

If I lived next door to my brand new grandchild ,you wouldn't just see me once a week! :)

Kindly … please try to see the bigger picture here . YABU

You seem a bit down but MIL is pretty normal and sounds pretty nice. Keep up with mother's group and save up while you are living in the free house so that you can move elsewhere. It is hard as a first time parent.
Relax a bit with MIL. Change your mind set about living next door somehow. Remember she has your back; you are not homeless and she loves seeing you all for lunch and cuddling baby.

Do speak about your dark times with your infant welfare nurse.

Talk to her. She dotting on your baby, but if it's too much, talk to her. Tell her how you're feeling. She'll either understand and it'll bring you closer or she won't in which case you know you will need to move once you're financially stable enough.

Sending you a hug, it's hard being a new mum x

Hi OP, I’m sorry about how you’re feeling. I have a 15 month and I remember when he was 5 months. I was utterly exhausted and depressed and I just wanted to be with my baby and husband. It’s a difficult time. I think that’s playing into how you feel about your MIL and you should try to prioritise yourself and the baby. Maybe speak to your husband and suggest he goes for dinner with the baby without you every other week so that you can get some rest. I hope things get easier soon 🌺

"she'd hold the baby whilst I did it"

Did you not the post?

Yabu to expect her to do your chores and ironing..she has given you free accommodation and a weekly dinner which doesn't seem appreciated. She comes once a week like your own mother why is it an issue. If she was round every evening I could see your pov.

Your MIL sounds amazing, frankly! She's been incredibly generous. What more do you want? Do you want her to keep financing you but never actually interact with you or her grandchild?

Hi OP,

In my opinion, based on the info you provided, YABU. I don’t think I need to explain the reasons - others have listed them (free house etc). She actually sounds like a lovely lady who just loves her family but at the same time, respects your space. I must say, if we lived next door to my mum or in laws, they would expect to see us far more than just once a week.

I am however sending you a big hug and I advise that you prioritise your mental health and go and see a GP as soon as you can. I had very similar feelings towards my parents and my in laws in the first month or so after DD was born and in hindsight, I can see that they were the result of my postpartum anxiety and nothing my parents or DH’s parents did. I remember feeling pure rage at the thought of my FIL and MIL coming over for a coffee to see us and baby DD and honestly, looking back, I cannot understand how or why I felt like that. Luckily, I didn’t show my feelings but I feel guilty for even thinking these things because I know understand that all they wanted to do was spend time with and see their precious granddaughter.

It is normal for freshly PP mothers to feel protective over their babies even to the point where it is sometimes irrational. But this sounds like it has taken over your daily thoughts and must be making you miserable. You have my sympathies - I struggled a lot PP but it got easier after I sought help. Also, your hormones will balance out over time and that will make everything easier I am sure. Good luck!

Why are you her neighbour then?

If it were through necessity, you’d surely suck it up (not that I think there’s anything to suck up btw). If it’s not necessity, find your own place. Where is the money you’ve saved not paying rent?

I must admit, I do struggle to understand people who don't want regular contact with family (abusive situations aside obviously). My children's grandparents are so important to their lives. I’d consider it selfish of me to deny them regular contact with loving grandparents.

We moved two hours away from MIL as she was overbearing. She still expected ‘as a minimum’ to see DH for one evening a week and one WHOLE day at the weekend - I was expected to see MIL at least once a week too. As in I was expected to travel 4 hours every weekend.

The final straw was when she got my two friends confused as said ‘why are you seeing Emma again this weekend when you only saw her a couple of weekend ago?! You prioritise your friends over ME’. I politely mentioned that I saw Emily, not Emma.

Free housing, she only sees you once a week for a roast, doesn’t let herself into your house, or expect you to pop over when she sees you’re in. Tbh, lots of people see their in-laws once a week. I don’t think my own mother would be able to not help popping in if I was just next door with her GC.

OP, your DH might enjoy seeing his mother once a week, and eating her Sunday roasts. Are they tastier than your efforts and you resent her cooking skills?

Please can I have your MIL - willing to swap :)

When you're new to parenting and finding your feet, everything anyone says feels like criticism. I was the same- most of us were. As a 27 year old with my first baby I couldn't understand why everyone seemed to think they knew best. Now at 51, I realise it came from a position of love, support and genuinely wanting to be helpful.
Many people with adult children long to be grand parents in the same way they longed to be parents. But what they long for is to be with the child usually without the child's parents: take it for days out, collect it from school etc etc. In their minds, being with their grandchild is like the best bits of being a parent again. And in their minds they are the ones looking after the child.
So when the reality of being a grandparent hits, when they realise they can't just have the baby to themselves whenever it suits them, things can get tricky. Your MIL doesn't sound unreasonable though. She isn't trying to take over or anything. Despite living next door, she only sees you once a week. And while it is your baby and your rules, it doesn't seem like a bad idea to let her come round and look after the baby for an hour or two once a week while you catch up on something. Only on your terms though.