AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

[Ewg9]

Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

Sooner or later the piper has to be paid. There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

lets me (sic) honest about the age range of the posters on here!

How do you know the age range of the posters on here? Where's your evidence? Did anyone give their age before posting, because if so I'd like to know where it's shown?

And just for clarification, if you read the posts you'll see that posters don't 'all agree OP should panda (sic) to the MIL simply because of the money' (although a panda ornament as a gift to MIL might be nice 😁). What most of them do say is that OP and her husband (a) should have thought it through before accepting rent-free accommodation - no such thing as a free lunch, and all that - (b) if they want their independence, they'll need to rent privately - nothing to stop them doing that - but this will obviously have a financial impact in the real world where people pay rent - and (c) OP herself admits that her MIL is a woman of strong personality - she hasn't suddenly developed these traits overnight - so the outcome of this arrangement could have been foreseen without too much effort, but OP and partner have chosen (their choice) to ignore any potential 'warning' indicators.

All of these are perfectly fair comments. And speaking personally, no, I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy here.

You seem a bit trapped and powerless - you know you owe your MIL but you resent it nonetheless. You sound depressed, as PP said - talk to your GP. Yes you are overreacting to the situation, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid and you can’t get support. speak to DH.

give the grandmothers what they want - a weekly play date with the baby while you go out and do something for yourself, clear your head. Or have a nap!!

This sounds very much like a post natal hormonal issue where often we can't see the wood for the trees. Do you think you'd feel the same if it was your own mother living next door? In either case I'd feel a bit suffocated but given you have a free house & on tap help I think you should accept the situation at this stage of life & be grateful.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You've struggled with some feeding issues, a lot of mothers do. So you're feeling hyper sensitive to any criticism. Actually your MIL sound quite restrained. She may live next door but she isnt popping round all the time, she just cooks for you once a week. She's been a bit tactless when you are feeling stressed but it's difficult for anyone to say the right thing 100% of the time.

She is being generous in letting you stay in her house rent free. Use this time to save for a place of your own a bit further away.

You could stop freeloading and move away and pay full rent? Or stay where you and put up with it.

"She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby..."

What? Seriously?

You're on to a good thing. Stop looking for problems.

Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking.

I'm a bit confused, are you happy or disappointed by this?

I'm with the MIL on the Sunday dinner thing. When I have the family round with the grandchildren, I plan a meal that doesn't need much attention. A Sunday roast keeps me in the kitchen instead of playing with the kids or chatting with their parents

Your seem in a fragile place and focusing all the blame on your mil when she doesn't seem to deserve it

She has helped you by doing loads of meals and helping with house jobs, you live there rent free and she only asks for one afternoon a week to visit.

She's not suffocating you. I see my own mil more and she lives a 10min drive away

Is there a reason why you can't just move somewhere else?

Why on earth does someone with just one baby expect anyone, mother, mother in law, anyone to come in and cook and clean for them? It's not rocket science! As far as the MIL is concerned there will come a time, sooner than the OP realises when she'll be glad to send her wittering, annoying child next door to play with grandma.

I recognise your feelings towards your MIL, I felt similarly irrational towards mine around the birth of my youngest. But they were exactly that, irrational. We weren't people that would naturally be mates, but that didn't make her a bad granny and she didn't do anything wrong. Her presence just would me up in my hormonal state.

As others said, send your H round to hers for an hour or two once or twice a week, or at weekends. Then just go back to bed and have a nap. Or better still, after a feed, go drop the baby over to her and say you will be back in an hour or two, then again, go have a nap, do housework, drink a cup of tea, whatever.

You don't need to be with her when she has her 'cuddle time' and by 5 months (with a very colicky baby), I was hugely grateful for an hour here or there baby free.

I wouldn't have had this arrangement with my own mother 20 years ago, let alone anyone else.
Sorry.

How old is baby? It sounds more like your hormones or pnd...talk to someone.
She really doesn't sound that bad I thought you were going to say she was in your house 24/7
The joke wasn't that bad to be honest
Could you pop home for a rest after lunch and leave baby with dad and mil as your only next door?

she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it

Good for MIL, she set her boundaries...why is that a bad thing? Is other people doing housework a thing now when someone has a baby? Me and DH managed just fine, even with a c-section but my parents weren't around so maybe it is the norm.

Same. Though my parents were around but they didn't need to do my chores. I find it a baffling expectation tbh, unless it's a single mum.

I wouldn’t expect another adult to do my housework if I was able bodied and had another able bodied adult(partner) in the home - unless there were extenuating circumstances. Given they’re not paying rent, if they cannot keep on top of housework, they can pay for a cleaner.

Taking meals is quite normal in my culture and I think it’s a kind thing to do. Cleaning and housework is a whole other ballgame.

We went no contact with MIL, she lost her marbles when our first was born. My mom really just isn’t arsed. So as somebody that has nobody around, I would say for once a week (which I don’t feel is a lot?) suck it up.

The kids have the best dad and even then it’s really really hard without help, we never get a break or us time. It’s also nice when the kids get older to have more people to love them!

Mothers and MIL's do give their opinions I'm afraid, it's what they do. God knows, I could never do anything right! If you were to move, you'd soon realise that once a week is fine. Children need their grandparents. The relationship they have with them is different to the one you have with your mother and mil and should be encouraged. Talk to your GP about your anxiety.

I think rent free housing should entitle the grandmother to some time with the baby. Doesn't have to be at yours. If you lived a distance you could justify not seeing her every week. Perhaps you should look into moving. However, having her as a next door neighbor will make it very difficult to limit time spent. Some MIL would be dropping in all the time. Count your blessings that its only once a week. Shorten the visiting hours, you don't have to stay for hours. Maybe that will help.

Agree with every word. I think there are lots of issues going on with adjusting to being a new mum (bloody tough) and you’re easily irritated by het. I think she’s showing commendable restraint only coming round once a week and it will be amazing for your child to have a close bond with extended family.

Very gently YABU. It can't be nice to feel obliged to host your MIL as she owns your house, but try and get some perspective. You live rent free, see the grandmother of your child once a week which includes a Sunday roast. It sounds like she doesn't force herself in but has tried to do the best by her son, his wife and their child. I think in a few months time you will realise you are being a bit unreasonable. Maybe have a read of some of the MIL threads on here and see some of the nightmares other posters have to deal with.
Congrats on your little one.

It doesn’t matter what the poll comes out at, if you don't like it, you don't like it. Yes she's letting you live rent free, but that shouldn't mean you are totally beholden to her. Speak again to your husband tell him exactly how you feel and how it is affecting you. If you feel down as some new mothers do, don't sit back & take it as you may get more depressed. The baby is yours and your husband's, the decision lies with you not your MIL. You are entitled to feel how you feel.

I’m going against the majority here it seems but YANBU.

just because you live rent free doesn’t give her power over your motherhood experience or your time to bond as a new family.

this is a really special and sensitive time for you, DH and DC. You should be given the time and space to bond in your own way, and anyone who thinks they are owed a relationship with you or your child because of either geographical location or finance assistance is the AH.

Im sorry to say it won’t get better. She obviously is not letting you live rent free out of the goodness of her heart and seems to think it gives her the right to push boundaries because she can hold that over your head. I sympathise as my mil is constantly criticising my parenting since ds came along 5 months ago, and it’s severely affected my post partum experience. Trust your judgement and don’t let yourself be convinced it’s “hormones” or you’re being unreasonable. You’re allowed to feel how you do regardless of your housing situation, and you, dh and dc should be given time and space to adjust to this new life.

I hope things improve x