For thinking DH shouldn't be buying alcohol for DSs mates

[Thehalls191]

DS is in year 10 so his mates are all 14 and 15.

They've stared having house parties, usually around 30 to 40 kids (not at our house I should add!).

Im happy for DS to go, he's been to a few, he takes a few beers and has never got himself into a mess, he's home before 12.

He's asked DH to buy some alcohol for his mates and they'll give him the money. No spirits, just beer. DH has said yes.

I'm saying a big fat no. It's one thing supplying alcohol to your own DC, another thing entirely to supply it for other people's.

At 14 mine were still doing Scouts/Guides etc. and certainly not drinkinh

In fact DC 3 now 21 has never drank

Everyone parents the way they feel is right for them but I feel it crosses the line when you are providing alcohol for other peoples children and in my opinion no 14 year old needs to drink, it provides nothing positive but has a whole lot of negatives. The whole drinking culture in this country is a mess in my opinion.

I just wonder why anyone feels a 14 year old needs to drink, to me its unnecessary and the line about teaching responsible drinking makes no sense, why do they need to learn before legal drinking age? I mean if they would binge at 18 whats to stop them doing it at 14 or 15, the logic just isnt there. Especially when the risks and damage from alcohol are so well known about. People would be shocked if we were encouraging teens to have controlled drug use at a young age, so why is alcohol so acceptable? Im sure in the future cannabis will be legalised, so should we be starting them on that young?

For me its one thing encouraging your own kids to drink but its irresponsible to be giving other 14 and 15 year olds to drink and you know that will put extra pressure on kids that dont feel able to say no under peer pressure. I dont see the necessity at all.

It sounds like your husband has said no in the end - but had this gone ahead, I'd find it very odd simply because he would have been supplying drinks for an event at another household and collecting money from several children to cover it. If the party had been at your house, or if the alcohol had been for your son only, that would seem much more "normal" - not necessarily uncontroversial. Another parent buying for the group and taking payment, and the hosts (who will be responsible if something goes wrong at the party and someone gets hurt or property damaged) not necessarily knowing about it seems like asking for trouble. While there's always the possibility (likelihood) of some of the individual partygoers each bringing a few cans for their own consumption, organized buying by an outside adult feels quite different somehow.

I’m so surprised with what we now know about alcohol and the developing brain that so many people are comfortable with their teens drinking ‘a few’, on a reasonably regular basis. I didn’t approach it in a completely strict way either, I was realistic that I knew they were going to try it when out at parties and we chatted about it in detail. The key word being ‘try’, not pack a 6-pack for multiple parties and essentially become a ‘drinker’.
Funnily enough, the idea that parents who maintain strict guidelines around alcohol end up with out of control and heavy drinkers is actually distinctly false, despite the anecdote people have about the nerdy kids with strict parents who went wild. The earlier and more frequently alcohol is introduced, the greater the risk of later problematic and heavy drinking. Encouraging drinking as a teen (and I consider buying them alcohol as a clear sign of encouragement) is associated with more problematic drinking across the lifespan. My guess is that’s because the parents also have heavier use and it’s very normalised. Even my DH doesn’t feel the need to drink several drinks at a social function. The idea of buying underage children alcohol wouldn’t even cross his mind.

@Thehalls191 I might have been rude but I'm angry - and actually I do think he's a fucking idiot to not realise immediately it's both illegal and morally wrong to buy alcohol for other people's underage children. The fact you've had to even explain it to him doesn't show him in a great light. It's basic adulting.

@buswankerz speak for yourself. I had my first drink aged 17, (cider) and never did the vodka in a field thing.

I am very pro children learning to drink responsibly within a family setting. Our US laws are stupidly draconian and lead to furtive underage drinking and binge drinking.

That being said the easy acceptance here of drinking for 15 year olds or reported drinking in households/on sleepovers of even younger kids with beer seems crazy to me. Beer is not harmless and introducing the need for social drinking at such young ages is really dangerous.

Or maybe they just decide drinking (or heavy drinking) isn't for them. Have you seen the recent stats on how many young people don't drink, or barely drink? It's increasing - partly because of costs and partly because they are so much better educated on health and wellbeing than former generations.

I find the U.K. culture that drink is a necessity and must be a part of all adult activities truly baffling. It is possible to have fun without being pissed. Or just have a couple of drinks without ending up legless and embarrassing.

Funnily enough, the idea that parents who maintain strict guidelines around alcohol end up with out of control and heavy drinkers is actually distinctly false, despite the anecdote people have about the nerdy kids with strict parents who went wild. The earlier and more frequently alcohol is introduced, the greater the risk of later problematic and heavy drinking. Encouraging drinking as a teen (and I consider buying them alcohol as a clear sign of encouragement) is associated with more problematic drinking across the lifespan. My guess is that’s because the parents also have heavier use and it’s very normalised.

Yes. The "they need to learn to drink responsibly" trope is always peddled out but all the actual up to date research points in the other direction - that it does more harm than good. Their livers and brains are still developing for one thing, at mid teen.

It's the norm round these parts, these kids were all 15/16 and now 17/18, all parents on a year group chat anyway. I'd much rather my kids were at an attended partied (ie parents available) than be sitting in the park with a bottle of vodka or whatever.

When my kids bring folk back for weekends, there's always a check in for parents as to their "rules" but not yet come across a "no alcohol at all" message. Majority of us are of the mindset same as me. And as most are off to uni, college etc, I kind of think it's a more responsible way to introduce them to alcohol rather than attend freshers week and end up in A&E.

When I think back to my teens I cringe at the danger aspect I was putting myself in.

That’s very similar to round here with the parent check ins and beer/cider/alcopops.

My elder 3 are at uni now and their friendship groups are all quite different with regard to drinking.

DS and his group don’t drink at all. DD2’s group are very minimal drinkers. DD1s drink along stereotypical uni parties lines - which is somewhat ironic as they all doing sport related things and many play competitive sports!

I see that a lot of people are missing the point. Its not about what the kids want to do, or what we did when we were kids, its about what the adults are doing. Human brain does not develop fully until we are 25 years of age. That is why we are entrusted to take care of the young until they can do it themselves.

We all know that most of the kids will try drinking of course, but we should be discouraging it and do our best to make it harder for them to get to alcohol. This is why governments in most countries made it illegal for young teens to purchase it. To have the parents buying it for them, and in fact making it easier for them to acquire, blows my mind. Alcohol is extremely dangerous substance, especially for young, developing brains. In fact, many more people die of alcohol related causes than from drugs every year.

I guess the part I do not understand is the need to "introduce" our kids to alcohol. What does that even mean? I know many parents think this way and that is why I am so confused, like we are grown ups, we should know better.

I have child the same age. One thing to supply your own child with a small amount of alcohol but a different ball game to give it to other people’s kids. If their own parents don’t supply them with beer for a party then it will be because they don’t want them to have it, so you shouldn’t be supplying them either. Yanbu.

Yes at our school it’s the sporty kids who are the party kids!

Absolutely

I'd be furious and I'd tell him so.

He needs to stop sucking up to your DS and his mates.

But their not her children

So her DH would be deceiving those parents who wouldn't have a clue

He may know them. He has no parental responsibility for them. He is a twat if he provides alcohol for them. I would stop my dc hanging with your dc of this happened to my dc. And I would gossip about you being shit parents..

Well none of that applies to our family. Firstly 3 times over a 6 month period is not what I'd consider reasonably regular. DH and I are not heavy drinkers-as I said previously, I'm tea total and DH will have a few at home when he's watching the footie occasionally. He'll often be the designated driver at social occasions and i have seen him drunk since before DS was born.

Well I don't think your reply showed you in a great light either so there you go, we all have our moments of imperfection don't we.

He should only do this if he has parental approval. All the boys parental approval that is. Otherwise it’s a big fat NO.

i would be unimpressed if my child’s friends parent plied them with alcohol. I would judge him as untrustworthy and unable to make reasonable judgments

Well aren't you a delight!

There's an awful lot of perfect parents on this thread. Never put a foot wrong by the sounds of it, never made an error of judgement. Meanwhile us mere mortals are muddling along the best we can-making mistakes, talking to our wives/husbands before we make those mistakes, correcting them, moving on to the next parenting challenge, just trying our best even if it occasionally falls short.

Thanks to everyone who's replied respectfully, without name calling or judgement. I appreciate that input.

He's not 'sucking up' to anyone. Thanks for the helpful reply 🙄

I have morals. And boundaries.. Being the cool ones is more important to you than the health of your under age guests.

That's delightful.. Not...

In black and white..
But you know best.

What on earth are you talking about?! I clearly said in my OP that I disagreed with buying the alcohol. DH was very quickly on board too and understood the problem with it and has no intention of buying it. The teens were not and never will be 'our guests', we have never hosted such a party and never will. You're just making stuff up!