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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy lied about which university he went to

410 replies

Snoopy104 · 10/04/2024 17:30

We were talking about our backgrounds etc. And he told me he'd been to the 'uni of' of the town, which has a good rep.
I live pretty much next door to that uni so I asked him if he'd lived in halls close by.
He said no he'd lived in an area in the South of the city as his campus was based there.
The area he mentioned is a very nice, affluent neighbourhood and I had a look at the campus.
It turns out the 'uni of' doesn't have a campus there, it's the 'poly' that has a campus there.
I couldn't care less what uni he went to or even if he went to uni, I went to one of these so-called 'lesser' unis for my masters and I think in the grand scheme of things nobody really cares where you went, the right people wouldn't anyway.
However, the lying is a red flag for me. I get it was maybe to try and impress me or that he felt embarrassed, but the lying makes me uncomfortable. Would you say this is a red flag?

OP posts:
Tomatojuiceandvodka · 10/04/2024 20:59

I’m afraid I’d think this a massive red flag. I did my post grad in Manchester and 100% people stated which uni they were at by saying either uni of/just Manchester or man met.

it reminds me of a bloke a friend dated once who came with an incredible backstory all about his heroic life in the forces and all sorts of crazy stuff. My then husband was a serving soldier who was keen to meet him and talk shop on a night out. After about ten mins he said, “ this bloke has never been in the army.” Eventually, she called him out and he admitted he had lied.

I’m not a snob at all but it’s the embellishment for me. Throw this one back.

Tattletwat · 10/04/2024 20:59

InfoComet · 10/04/2024 20:54

Saying “the uni of” is a strange way of describing a uni, I would think from this sentence that they were trying to inflate their story.

You'd always say Uni/University of Nottingham. If someone said they'd been to Nottingham University I'd instantly think it was a lie.

Generally if someone says to me they've went to University in Nottingham, I'd ask Nottingham Nottingham or Trent? It's not snobbishness, Trent has a really good reputation for some things but no point reminiscing with someone who went somewhere else!

Absolutely I'm from Sheffield and you either go to university of Sheffield or Hallam, if you say university of it tends to mean what it's called.

bonzaitree · 10/04/2024 21:01

BebeG922 · 10/04/2024 20:45

Oh! Not good.

It was not good.

similar to OP I didn’t care he voted labour or Tory. I didn’t care if he was director or not. But sadly due to his lies I couldn’t trust him.

Noras · 10/04/2024 21:01

It’s sad that he does not feel comfortable to tell you the truth - if he went to a lesser place. Other than that it’s fairly irrelevant as I went to both UCL (SEES) and UwE ( when a poly) and the teaching was great at UWE
and UCL - it’s just that the professor was famous at UCL ( and still is everywhere in Waterstones in his section). Some people choose to go to these lower grade colleges with decent grades. My husband has an A C and D and still went to poly - in those days that was good enough for a red brick - 36 years ago. …grade inflation!

I think you should just jokingly say - do you mean you went o X .

Where did you go and is he intimidated? I woken want to address that maybe.

Samlewis96 · 10/04/2024 21:03

Lol I have been with my partner for 8 years and don't know what uni he went to. Never really come up in conversation or if it has I took no notice. Why is it a big deal anyway?

JayJayEl · 10/04/2024 21:05

Are you sure it wasn't just a language mistake on his part? When I went to uni (2004) mine was a 'University College', but changed to a 'University of...' halfway through my degree. That didn't alter my (or seemingly anyone else's) language around where we were studying.

Crapuscular · 10/04/2024 21:05

Unfortunately, there still remains a snobbery . I don't know why.
Polytechnics provided graduates with skills.

University provided graduates with academic , thinking skills which didn't necessarily relate to the real world.

This snobbery won't go away just yet but it is fast eroding.

I'm waffling now but my mum, from an Eastern European country almost 60 years ago told me this ... ( which I've mentioned here before)

A man stands in front of a long row of doors at the foot of the steps that lead to the doors of a polytechnic and a university.

It's graduation day. The students congregate at the top of the steps.

A student walks down to the man and the man says ' Congratulations. What is your degree in ?'
The student replies 'History.'
The man turns around and muses. Eventually he points to a door and says 'You can go through that door.'

( you can guess what's coming.)

Another student walks down the steps to the man and the man says ' Congratulations! What's your degree ?'
The student say's 'engineering.'
The man quickly says , 'and which door would you like to go through?'

I'm sorry that your bf is struggling to come to terms with where he went to but I'm guessing there may have been some parental dissatisfaction or continued snobbery.

I'm secretly thinking University of Manchester as opposed to Man Met ?
He is just feeling a bit down about it but absolutely shouldn't given that this imbalance, which there shouldn't be, was over thirty years ago.
In many countries, a polytechnic degree is considered far superior.
Polytechnic just means many 'many technical arts and sciences.' That's all but the government at the time felt that it sounded inferior.
It really doesn't matter.

MauveDuck · 10/04/2024 21:08

Or, further to my previous reply... to be fair it couldve been uni of liverpool, hope or jmu... we have those 3 as the main ones.

Usernamechange222 · 10/04/2024 21:08

I know someone who told people he went to Cambridge university. He did but only for a summer course. It is very deceptive.

BarbarasRhabarberBar · 10/04/2024 21:09

The more I read this, the more I think red flag. It says a lot about his personality and these are things I wouldn't want to get involved with. I'd make sure you weren't wrong and there was a campus and I would ask him directly, maybe in a subtle way which I I he went to. "Did you say you went to Nottingham Trent?" And if he says no "uni of Nottingham" then you know you're done.

A grown man should not be so insecure about where he went to uni that he lies. It's meaningless, so what happens with the stuff that actually matters? And where does it end?

It's possible that he's as honest as the day is long once he knows a person and he'd be the most loyal partner ever but why start off weird?!

BarbarasRhabarberBar · 10/04/2024 21:10

JayJayEl · 10/04/2024 21:05

Are you sure it wasn't just a language mistake on his part? When I went to uni (2004) mine was a 'University College', but changed to a 'University of...' halfway through my degree. That didn't alter my (or seemingly anyone else's) language around where we were studying.

Northampton did this around the same time. I say uni of. When I graduated it was uni of.

Usernamechange222 · 10/04/2024 21:10

I also think it is a red flag. When people lie about things like this, they tend to lie about other things too and they are generally deceptive people.

Spudthespanner · 10/04/2024 21:14

MichaelFlatulence · 10/04/2024 17:47

I know someone that went to’Oxford’ Brookes, they invariably left off the Brookes. Even their wedding tables had Oxford college names. Insecurity. Exaggeration, misleading. Can’t find a positive adjective

Weird. I know a few folk who went to Oxford Brookes. They call it "Brookes" whenever they're talking about their time there.

InfoComet · 10/04/2024 21:16

Samlewis96 · 10/04/2024 21:03

Lol I have been with my partner for 8 years and don't know what uni he went to. Never really come up in conversation or if it has I took no notice. Why is it a big deal anyway?

I think this might be even more odd!

WomanFromTheNorth · 10/04/2024 21:21

I always say I went to uni in Sheffield. It was a poly when I started by changed to sheffield hallam uni whilst I was there. I would never say that I went to Sheffield University but it might be ambiguous I suppose. But I don't do it for any reason other than it's easier to say than I went to Sheffield hallam uni. I couldn't give a shit what uni anyone goes to. So did he say that he went to X University or that he went to Uni in X? Because I don't think there's anything wrong with the latter.

PlasticOno · 10/04/2024 21:24

Spudthespanner · 10/04/2024 21:14

Weird. I know a few folk who went to Oxford Brookes. They call it "Brookes" whenever they're talking about their time there.

Everyone I know who went there said ‘Brookes’.

Calliopespa · 10/04/2024 21:25

Iwouldlikesomecake · 10/04/2024 17:39

Yeah red flag. I’ve been to a red brick and an old poly and they were both the best for the subjects I studied, there’s no shame in going somewhere that’s a newer uni- not even that new any more lol- but if you’re saying you went to University of Oxford and you actually went to Oxford Brookes you’ve got issues.

There can be fine distinctions though. So many people I met who said they were “ at university in Oxford” were, it would transpire when I asked which college, in fact at Oxford Brookes. It was a bit irritating but I couldn’t actually call that phrasing a “ lie.”

TheCadoganArms · 10/04/2024 21:27

Kill him

Chatonette · 10/04/2024 21:40

Samlewis96 · 10/04/2024 21:03

Lol I have been with my partner for 8 years and don't know what uni he went to. Never really come up in conversation or if it has I took no notice. Why is it a big deal anyway?

Have you not had conversations about your lives…childhood, growing up, etc? I know where my OH went for primary, secondary, 6th form college, and uni. I’m interested in his life.

HarelessMiffy · 10/04/2024 21:41

I think worrying about this (and the google search) is batshit crazy

MichaelFlatulence · 10/04/2024 21:43

Spudthespanner · 10/04/2024 21:14

Weird. I know a few folk who went to Oxford Brookes. They call it "Brookes" whenever they're talking about their time there.

Exactly, clearly own it with no intention to show a chip on their shoulder!

Samlewis96 · 10/04/2024 21:43

Chatonette · 10/04/2024 21:40

Have you not had conversations about your lives…childhood, growing up, etc? I know where my OH went for primary, secondary, 6th form college, and uni. I’m interested in his life.

Lol I knew he went uni in London. Not which one though. An yeah course we had growing up conversation but names of places long ago are kind of irrelevant. Why on earth would it matter what school in London he attended 50 odd years ago? Wouldn't mean anything to me anyway as didn't grow up in same area

I know about his work history previous marriage and travels

RandomUsernameHere · 10/04/2024 21:47

People do this a lot with Bristol and UWE. Agree with PPs it's about the dishonesty more than where he actually went to university.

Spudthespanner · 10/04/2024 21:49

@MichaelFlatulence

Exactly, clearly own it with no intention to show a chip on their shoulder

Yeh, they're all highly successful, senior, well respected in their fields and earning a lot of money. They've nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Love the username btw!

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 10/04/2024 21:49

Bath/Bath Spa.

Southampton/Solent.

Oxford/Oxford Brookes.