Should I let ex DH claim child benefit?

[Pinacoladaqueen]

Me and DH are going through a nasty divorce I have been the “breadwinner” for the past 2 years and he works part time hours.

I have purchased my own home and I am moving in on Saturday and he is due to become homeless. Unless he stays with me for a little bit (which I do not want) he is refusing to rent privately.

The housing officer has said you can’t apply for housing for you and the children unless you claim child benefit.

Im concerned that if I allow him to claim it I won’t see any of the money again and will loose this access.

AIBU to not let him claim for it?

Don't give him the child benefit, the purpose of that is to ensure that the children have a stable home. They have that with you. You need to retain those resources to care for the children. In my opinion he needs to get a full time job and provide for himself.

Would you say that to a woman who went down to part time work in order to be the main cater to their kids? Would you tell a man to keep the money as he is providing a home and his ex-wife will have to go full time and provide for herself?

Obviously after a divorce, everyone needs to provide for themselves but that starts with a fair split. And he has been disadvantaged because he limited his working hours in order to be the parent at home. Would you tell a woman in that situation that she is not entitled to the child benefit?

@WarshipRocinante No, probably not. Complete double standards.
I would love to know the real reasons as to why mothers don't want to share care of children upon divorce, with a father having a good amount of time with his children (should he genuinely want that).

Sadly many women have no choice because the family court directs it regardless.

Not the case here however.

OP says “We haven’t got a custody agreement we just agreed we would have 50/50 he can go back to work full time. But he said he would rather look after the kids. But I don’t want him to look after the kids because if I have something important coming up with work that I need to attend he will be flakey I don’t trust him.”

Now OP is clearly not coming back to the thread. But the number of posters who jumped to the idea that OP was experiencing domestic violence or rape … well TBH it minimises the impact of other types of abuse that might actually be the case in this type of situation.

I think it’s reasonable to assume that someone suffering DV would not voluntarily leave her kids in 50:50 care. However there are other forms of abuse (emotional, financial…) that OP may be experiencing.

I am glad you are moving out as living in an abusive relationship must be awful for you and the children. Given he seems incapable of providing a home and supporting the children presumably they are coming with you? Therefore you are primary caregiver and he will need to work full time whether he wants to or not. He seems to think you should support him but he is an adult. Let him sort out his own accommodation.

No I agree regarding this situation. There's a lot of missing information/drip feed.

I just wanted to point out that some victims of abuse don't get a choice.

Is he the main carer? Does he get additional benefits such as UC if so yes he should claim as it will help his cms claim.

Would you say all that about a SAHM? Or a part time working mum because she is the main parent?

@WarshipRocinante

Would you say all that about a SAHM? Or a part time working mum because she is the main parent?*
*
Different situation. He is not a SAHP. He works part time because he wants to not because it has been agreed between them. He doesn't have to work part time to fit round the children. He is flaky and cannot be trusted when OP has to go away for work and they have agreed 50/50 custody. He doesn't appear to take responsibility either for himself let alone the children if the house is being sold or vacated tomorrow and he still hasn't found anywhere for him to live let alone the children. Plus he is abusive.

Stop projecting.

Please don't let him have the child benefit. He could very well use it to claim that he is the resident parent, cares more for the children than you do and then claim CSA from you.

Let the council rehome him.

No, absolutely do not give him anything. Do you think he would give you anything if the roles were reversed.

The OP wouldn’t answer the question of whether or not he was the primary cater and that’s why he went part time. Which means he was. Silence speaks volume. He is part time because he looks after the kids, which means he has sacrificed so the OP can maintain her earning potential and pension.

And if course there was a drip feed about abuse. There always is.

Sounds like she got the lions share in the divorce, so he did give her that. She can buy a house and he can’t.

Mumsnet in general is very very sexist and full of double standards. This thread is just the epitome of that. You should all be ashamed of your attitudes.

Hi All sorry I have been busy moving house.

We don’t really have a primary carer DH works part time on the evening 15 hours. I work part time 30 hours Tuesday to Friday. He does all the school runs. It’s very 50/50 as I’m always at home I’m still very on hands on.

And also we were private renting there isn’t any money/assets to split. We both have our own savings it’s just always been that way.

If you were married they'll be considered as joint savings, what about you're pensions too?

Only very high earners would pay spousal maintenance

Gently, this does read to the outside world that he is the primary carer as he works less than you and is around all week. When you are WFH, you wouldn’t be deemed to be caring as you should be working.

Keep hold of child benefit if you now become the primary carer on moving out.

Do you have a financial settlement and clean break sorted?