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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let ex DH claim child benefit?

146 replies

Pinacoladaqueen · 10/04/2024 16:04

Me and DH are going through a nasty divorce I have been the “breadwinner” for the past 2 years and he works part time hours.

I have purchased my own home and I am moving in on Saturday and he is due to become homeless. Unless he stays with me for a little bit (which I do not want) he is refusing to rent privately.

The housing officer has said you can’t apply for housing for you and the children unless you claim child benefit.

Im concerned that if I allow him to claim it I won’t see any of the money again and will loose this access.

AIBU to not let him claim for it?

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 10/04/2024 17:19

@Pinacoladaqueen

Unless he stays with me for a little bit (which I do not want) he is refusing to rent privately.

That would be a NO to having in my private space someone who's being inflexible and nasty. Getting him out again could be a challenge. His choice not to rent privately - down to him, as an adult, to sort out his own accommodation. 🌹

Kittenkitty · 10/04/2024 17:23

People are giving you incorrect information, it does not have to be the primary caregiver or resident parent who claims, but the claimant has to be the resident parent OR regularly pays for the cost of their care. My ex husband claimed it for a while and he does regularly pay for the costs of our child’s care. I also spoke to them on the phone and they suggested he only claim if he spent at least the equivalent sum (about £90 a month on her care) which he does between hobbies, occasional holidays and pub tea once a week etc so I was happy to let him claim. If he didn’t spend that much I wouldn’t have agreed.

That said if he’s a waste of space and you don’t want to do him any favours then don’t. But don’t be put off by the myth that he’ll be able to claim he’s the primary caregiver from child benefit alone.

PineappleTime · 10/04/2024 17:25

If you house and pay for the majority of the DC's needs then keep the child benefit.

XMissPlacedX · 10/04/2024 17:33

If he is claiming child benefit he will be seen as primary carer and you will be made to pay child maintenance, and he will get more of the divorce settlement.

It's his problem if he doesn't want to privately rent, he is an adult. Let him sort himself out.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/04/2024 17:36

I'm guessing it's in your name just now? All you need to do then is change your address.

WarshipRocinante · 10/04/2024 18:05

Kittenkitty · 10/04/2024 17:23

People are giving you incorrect information, it does not have to be the primary caregiver or resident parent who claims, but the claimant has to be the resident parent OR regularly pays for the cost of their care. My ex husband claimed it for a while and he does regularly pay for the costs of our child’s care. I also spoke to them on the phone and they suggested he only claim if he spent at least the equivalent sum (about £90 a month on her care) which he does between hobbies, occasional holidays and pub tea once a week etc so I was happy to let him claim. If he didn’t spend that much I wouldn’t have agreed.

That said if he’s a waste of space and you don’t want to do him any favours then don’t. But don’t be put off by the myth that he’ll be able to claim he’s the primary caregiver from child benefit alone.

We’re not giving wrong information. We all know that either parent can claim child benefit. We’re not discussing the rules of child benefit though. We’re discussing who should actually claim it in this case. If he gave up his career and went part time to be a semi-SAHD and is now struggling financially, then he should claim it. If he looks after the kids more than she does then he should claim it. Because he needs it.

If he doesn’t look after them, but also chooses to work part time for no family reason, can’t contribute financially to the family etc then she shouldn’t hand the claim over to him.

Catopia · 10/04/2024 18:12

His chances of immediately getting a social housing property above temporary accommodation as a room in a hostel as a single male are fairly low. He is likely using this as leverage to try and get a 2 bed flat which, if the children live with you, he is not entitled to. If you are the primary carer, and the children are with you more than 50% of the time, you should claim the child benefit. His housing issues are his problem. If he does not have the children in his full-time care, he could increase his hours. He is being unreasonable not to consider a private rental in the circumstances he is in, particularly if he wants a larger property where the children could sleep over, and am sure his housing officer will give him a reality check.

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2024 18:36

Kittenkitty · 10/04/2024 17:23

People are giving you incorrect information, it does not have to be the primary caregiver or resident parent who claims, but the claimant has to be the resident parent OR regularly pays for the cost of their care. My ex husband claimed it for a while and he does regularly pay for the costs of our child’s care. I also spoke to them on the phone and they suggested he only claim if he spent at least the equivalent sum (about £90 a month on her care) which he does between hobbies, occasional holidays and pub tea once a week etc so I was happy to let him claim. If he didn’t spend that much I wouldn’t have agreed.

That said if he’s a waste of space and you don’t want to do him any favours then don’t. But don’t be put off by the myth that he’ll be able to claim he’s the primary caregiver from child benefit alone.

He won’t be able to use child benefit to claim he’s the primary caregiver, but if he’s the children’s main carer or needs a home, it is spiteful and nonsensical to leave him without a suitable home where he can share care of his children.

Of course there are gaping holes in the information OP provided, hence persons asking these questions.

If she comes back to say he’s a lazy layabout who considered FT work beneath him, and left her to work FT, do everything for the children and maintain the home, folks will tell her to tell him to fuck right off.

TTPD · 10/04/2024 18:41

I have been the “breadwinner” for the past 2 years and he works part time hours.

Was this a joint decision for him to be a SAHP?

Brainded · 10/04/2024 18:47

What is your custody agreement @Pinacoladaqueen?

hawaiiantropico · 10/04/2024 19:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Pinacoladaqueen · 10/04/2024 21:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I’m here! Just going through a very shitty time. I’m still currently in a very abusive relationship until Saturday and try to navigate moving out without him exploding on me which is the way it’s heading!!

We haven’t got a custody agreement we just agreed we would have 50/50 he can go back to work full time. But he said he would rather look after the kids. But I don’t want him to look after the kids because if I have something important coming up with work that I need to attend he will be flakey I don’t trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinacoladaqueen · 10/04/2024 21:22

He feels that I have done him wrong as I have left him homeless but what else am I supposed to do I’ve been in an abusive relationship with him for 7 years. I don’t want him to be homeless but I don’t feel comfortable signing over child benefit to him so he can secure a council house.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 10/04/2024 21:28

Don’t be weak now, you are doing so well. Move out on Saturday and take the kids with you. Are you selling the house you are currently in or renting? Either way don’t take him with you. Don’t take his stuff with you. Just the kids and you, go to your new house.
Keep the kids with you- he won’t be able to take the kids until he has suitable lodgings- no one will rent to him and he won’t be a council priority. Take the child benefit yourself and sort out childcare because he won’t be doing 50/50 when he’s homeless.
Make sure you’ve got good locks and install a ring doorbell as priority, keep yourself safe if he is going to get nasty. Never let him cross the front door of your new place. Do you have supportive family?

Fluffywigg · 10/04/2024 21:33

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/04/2024 16:09

If he claims it then he is classed as the primary carer. All other benefits like UC etc..will follow and even if you share 50/50 you may have to pay CMS as they look to who is in receipt of the child benefit.

It may also end of a bigger share of the divorce settlement to him if he argues he is the primary carer.

Tread very carefully.

That’s not strictly true. I know of situations where parents share care 50:50 roughly and one claims Child Benefit and the other UC.

No maintenance involved as they each contribute financially and they felt this was the fairest way to divide the money.

Saymyname28 · 10/04/2024 21:34

Whoever is housing the children most nights gets the child benefits. I don't think it could be more simple. Bare in mind, if he has the children more than half the nights you will also have to pay him child maintenance.

You don't get the best to both worlds, either he has the kids so you can work, and he gets money for that. Or you can't rely on him for childcare.

Original poster
Pinacoladaqueen · 10/04/2024 21:34

I don’t have any family or friends doing this all on my own.

OP posts:
SpiritOfEcstasy · 10/04/2024 21:38

Firstly OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. From my experience, if you LTB because he was abusive, he’ll likely become a whole lot more abusive post separation 😞 my advice would be to hold on to absolutely anything at all that you can for you and your DC. He thankfully is not your problem anymore … if he’s homeless that’s his issue to resolve. Not yours!

StealthMama · 10/04/2024 21:41

If you are married and going through a divorce. I presume he has some access to 50% of marital assets. Have you reached a financial agreement? Were you renting together or have you sold a house and split the equity?

If you want 50/50, how do you expect this to work. How old are the children? If your aim is 50/50 then no don't let him claim the benefit.

Ellie56 · 10/04/2024 21:47

Why is he refusing to rent privately?

Springingintolife · 10/04/2024 22:05

if he's controlling then that might be why he's refusing to rent privately. i wouldn't hand over control of your benefits to him, which are for the benefit of your children- not him. he's not the only one trying to re-build his life, focus on yours and let him worry about what's going to happen. Seems like you'll have the children with you most of the time whilst he got sorted, so you need to hold onto everything you've got. it's not as though he'd get housed right away with that child benefit, he could be in a temporary studio or hotel room for months or years. if he's an abuser, then give em an inch and they'll take a mile unfortunately.

Fluffywigg · 10/04/2024 22:09

Kittenkitty · 10/04/2024 17:23

People are giving you incorrect information, it does not have to be the primary caregiver or resident parent who claims, but the claimant has to be the resident parent OR regularly pays for the cost of their care. My ex husband claimed it for a while and he does regularly pay for the costs of our child’s care. I also spoke to them on the phone and they suggested he only claim if he spent at least the equivalent sum (about £90 a month on her care) which he does between hobbies, occasional holidays and pub tea once a week etc so I was happy to let him claim. If he didn’t spend that much I wouldn’t have agreed.

That said if he’s a waste of space and you don’t want to do him any favours then don’t. But don’t be put off by the myth that he’ll be able to claim he’s the primary caregiver from child benefit alone.

This 100%!!

Thelnebriati · 10/04/2024 22:09

No don't do it - if he gets flaky, you can't get them back very easily.

Sooooootired01 · 10/04/2024 22:16

How many children do you have? When ex-husband and I were 50/50 (court enforced) he counter-claimed for one son and I got CB for the other. He had to pay this back to HMRC as earns over £100k. No maintenance due. I'm still privately renting a decade on from divorce. He has a massive property.