To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Agree with this. Infact I wouldn't even wait 5 mins. You have texted him and he should be ready when you get there.

You did nothing wrong. So disrespectful for him to be paying Xbox when you are waiting. His mum is herself inconsiderate if she was fuming and not apologetic.
Stop collecting him.

Haven't rtft but text SC as you arrive, give five minutes then leave if he's not in the car. Then text to let him know you've left
Sorry assume that's been said by trillions of other posters, oh and definitely YANBU

You were doing something for the convenience of the child's parents. The child's mother absolutely took the piss, so I would just refuse to do it any longer unless there was a proper apology and an unwavering commitment not to take the piss again.

You need to call the mum half an hour before you’re getting there so she can make sure he is off his game and ready. You are then putting the emphasis on her to get him ready not for you to wait or him to be ready. From experience no 12 year old will ever leave mid game so they need half an hours notice. I had to give mine notice the other day just to help me move something in the house.

you also need to go and knock on the door as she won’t want you knocking on her door or having to do small talk. You waiting in the car there is no urgency is there. Toddlers and not getting them out is not a good enough excuse.

None of them have any respect for your time.. Do they think they are better than you because they go off to work?

She doesn't have the SM number, so non issue, not possible.

If the SM wants to be more respectful of the OP, that might not be the case, but she's enabling her son to be disrespectful, so there you go 🤷‍♀️

This :)

Regardless of step status, keeping people late because they are gaming is unacceptable and child’s mother should have been on this if his leaving would impact her. I am afraid my DH flips out when our own kids do not arrive for dinner when called. After 5 mins, my DH loses his sh*t, after 10, their food has gone in the bin and they are banned from the kitchen before breakfast the next day. Took two incidents where this to happened to drive the message home.

They now check when dinner is duw before starting a game in the evening and/or occasionally ask if they can self-serve at a later time as they had planned a group-game/official eSport event with classmates. We have no issues with this as they are showing consideration.

I am afraid that I would have driven off, too - but my DH would have understood and directed his anger where it was warranted: the ex and his sone.

Seems like a lot of people on this thread forgot how hellish it is to be in the car with a grumpy, tired and hungry toddler,nevermind 2 of them.

20 minutes of hell just because 2 people can’t be bothered to get their shit together despite numerous phonecalls and messages.

Poor 12yo diddums HAD to finish his game as a result 5 people were negatively affected.

Ah well. Prime example of FAFO.Rude and disrespectful towards OP.

Why is it ok to majorly inconvenience OP and her 2 kids but not SS and his parents?

How dare she inconvenience her DH and his ex by not willing to wait 20 minutes at the kerb with 2 small kids to pick up THEIR child after string of messages and phonecalls giving the time of pick up.

She was the one doing them a favour and making their life easier. They made her life more difficult.

Hope OP will stand her ground.

This might win the award for Most Determined To Make Step Mum The Bad Guy

How silly.

I’d have been lucky to get to 5 min waiting!
I’d also be ending this arrangement. Tbh I’d be ending any arrangement that involves interacting with someone who can’t be polite to me and communicate properly. It’s not like she’s doing you any favours. Either she in general starts to be able to communicate by text relevant info or it doesn’t work going forward to share any level of childcare etc

And OP could help by going to the door but she won’t

I'm with you OP, the red mist would have descended as soon as he said he was finishing a game. That would be me gone.............

Surely his own mum is more responsible for him that his step mum?

Double so when the step mum is doing the mum a favour by picking him up so the mum doesn't have to go out of her way to drop him off.

Don't be ridiculous. She absolutely shouldn't haul 2 nursery aged children out of the car in order to hurry a near-teen up when his mother is there.

She’s the one doing them all a favour by being there in the first place to pick him up. He can get his own ass to the door, or his mother can.

This could be so easily sorted - hands free phone call on the way to collect step son 'I'll be there in 10 mins he needs to be on the doorstep 100% ready to go otherwise I'll have to keep moving"

Sorted.

Except her kids weren't prioritised. They were made to sit for 20 mins whilst their siblings finished a game.

You have no idea about the context of OP's family dynamics or her stepsons 'trauma.' You are literally making up details.

A 12 year old needs to be gee'd on? Really? A 12 year old needs to be told to turn off his game and get into a car? Bet he didn't need 'gee'd on' to log on to his Xbox!

My experience of shared care is that, where possible, it's always better for children to be 'delivered' rather than 'collected' if it's between parents.

Ah, so rather than OP's H and his Ex sort out their own kid and his disrespect for his step-mother and siblings, OP has to changer HER perfectly acceptable way of doing things and contact the mother?
Yes?

Okay then ...

Enabling lesson 1 there from @CurlewKate

You’re more patient than me, I would not have waited 20 minutes! They are taking the piss, I’d leave them to it. You have enough to do in life without this!

I would like to see this post moved to Mumsnet Classics, so it may forever serve as a reminder that being a doormat does not get “it” done.

This woman gets it done. Respect, OP. ✌️

His MUM should be helping him.

it wasn’t shitty of OP at all and I’m glad his Mum was late for work. Maybe she’ll step up next time and make sure her disrespectful kid is ready to go.

waiting 20 minutes for a child who is playing a game instead of getting ready, with 2 grumpy small kids in the car is a serious inconvenience.