To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

I wouldn't wait 20 minutes for my own DS to finish his game if we needed to go out. Good for your OP, let your DH make new arrangements as he doesn't respect your time either

If you can't see why that's nasty to the kids then that's your problem

Whiney kids, she deals with,

It's also not OPs fault she's got a rude and disrespectful SS but luckily she's stopped having to deal with part of that!

Exactly!

The fact that it's a SS, is a red herring.

So many stepchildren seem to be able to behave exactly how they want and no-one should expect any better as they are poor, poor stepchildren.

But you think two toddlers in the car are Prince and Princess…

Proper order. Otherwise you risk having to be the bad cop with step son and that’s not a position you should be put in. As you also don’t get on with his mother, you really should not have to be dealing with this and she appears not to be insisting her son show you some respect by going to the car when you arrive. Something possibly that could get worse as he hits teen years. Definitely best to let his Dad deal with this.

That's what I would do.
They blew it by disrespecting your time.
They can sort themselves out from now on.

Totally reasonable imo. You go above and beyond in your communication to them so they are showing complete disrespect to make you wait.

I did this to a work college once. He is well know for making people wait for him to 'sort stuff out' and i was sat in the work car park for 10 mins waiting for him after spending 15 mins in the office getting stuff ready. I messaged etc to chase him up then i left (we were going on a 2 hour drive to a training course). He called me and asked me where i was and i was about 20 miles away by then and had zero intention to turn around. I told him i would pull in at the next services and have a coffee but he had to be there in that time. He had to rush around getting someone to give him a lift etc. Turned up all hot and bothered etc.

He has never ever thought about making me wait since. If i give a reasonable timescale i 100% expect it to be adhered to. That includes my own family.

Putting the your DC aside, they obviously see their times far more important than yours and have no respect for you. Maybe come up with the system that when you arrive you'll give three rings and if he isn't out of the house with a couple of mins you won't wait. If DH or his SC's Mum don't like this, they can collect themselves.

You were absolutely not unreasonable to have driven off - I would have driven off if my own children had done this.

I would give him one more chance but would wait 5 minutes and no longer. I'd wait 5 minutes for anyone really as there is always some margin of error within expected arrival times and something last minute delaying either party.

the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation

He is the one who has caused this particular situation by consistently not being ready and taking the piss. I would expect better of my own children (and when XH used to pick them up from here I made damn sure they were ready to go as soon as he turned up).

My eldest GC (9) needs constant hurrying along when ger Dad is due. It's a maximum of around seven minutes, though and only that long if the toilet is involved. It is up to his Mum to kick his arse in gear. I wouldn't stop the lift, relationships can break down anyway with teenage boys. MN is strange that SM shouldn't have any responsibilities, or help their DH out in regards to SC, but the man and his family should see her children as equal to blood related children. Teenage boys actually benefit from boundaries, so I'd go with that. Although teenage boys act as though they can't be bothered, they benefit from close relationships with female relatives and younger siblings.

I don't even have her number. We don't get on.

If the ex was that bothered about leaving for work why wasn't she kicking his arse out the door?

I do agree that his mum should be hurrying him along - although 20 minutes is too long regardless. In any case they had 10 minutes warning that they were on the way

You should add your OP to the “cheeky F kharma” thread that’s currently running!!

Totally not unreasonable of you and terribly rude of them!

Your dh should be backing you though - you are not the bad guy here…..

You did the right thing. I agree the SS is a red herring and it’s a disrespect shown by all parties to keep you waiting for 20 minutes with 2 toddlers in the car during witching hour!

Normally I feel sorry for step children on here are they are treated like an add on to a posters perfect family life.

However, in this case absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I wouldn’t wait 20 mins for my own DS to finish a game - or anything else for that matter - if I’m giving him a lift.
I used to pick DS up from his girlfriend’s before he could drive, gated apartment so I couldn’t knock on the door. He kept me waiting for 20-25 mins regular. I made him walk home a few times (40 min walk) and he learned his lesson. Never kept me waiting after that.

Would he leave a friends mum waiting if she was giving a lift? His grandparents? Does he keep his dad waiting? I’m guessing not.

It’s a common courtesy which your step son sounds like he needs to learn. And I’m not buying that he’s the one suffering, he’s 12, probably spends half his life gaming, and they become selfish, the majority do! It’s down to parents to teach him boundaries. Like if someone’s waiting for you, you get your ass off the game and get out of the door.

it isn’t his fault you have whiney kids who can’t sit still for 10 minutes

Its not their fault either that they have a disrespectful brother and his mother who think it's fine to finish a game off for 20 mins whilst they are sat outside waiting.

I'm don't get on with my ex but I have his number so we can organise arrangements for the kids. Although at 12 he's old enough now to make arrangements without his mum as the middleman I guess

Yanbu!! Leaving anyone waiting more than a couple mins is out of order. I make sure my children are by the door ready with shoes on if someone is collecting them. It's just basic manners.

I really would do that, either his mum will have to drop him, DH pick him up or your stepson make his own way to your house.

I bet his mum bitches about you and ex-H to stepson which is why he treats you with disrespect being late. I know he’s approaching teenagerhood so you need to nip this in the bud now as there’ll be other teenager issues.

Exactly. Get your own child ready to go then and you wouldn't have been late?!

DH does have his exes number. I don't and she doesn't have mine either

@Noyesnoyes I didn't t get anything wrong in my first posts. I am suggesting that the OP makes a tiny change in the process-a text to the mum-that might make things work. If the mum is obstructive it won't make any difference and the OP can then say she's not doing it any more. If the mum isn't obstructive then it will make life easier for everyone. I genuinely don't see what's so difficult about that. Of COURSE the OP shouldn't be hanging about waiting for a 12 year old. But the object of the exercise is to make things work smoothly. A 7 letter text might just help with that. And if it doesn't, that's the time to escalate.

To pp who criticised OP for whiny kids in her car, they’re her toddlers who are not known for liking changes to their routine, their moods are up and down because they’re toddlers and are tired by the time OP picks up and OP is doing everyone a favour using her car and petrol and her inside car seat to drive stepson to her home.