To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

I wouldn’t put up with that at all. My DS is always saying “just finishing a game” and it always takes forever. It drive me mad.

If I were you I’d say that you’ll let them know when you’re on your way and if he’s not stood out on the pavement waiting then you’ll keep on driving. And stick to it. Only then will they actually start paying attention and respect your time.

I wouldn’t have waited 20 minutes even once tbh, I’d give five minutes grace to put his shoes on and pick up his bag then I’d be off. Really though I’d expect him to be standing at the door waiting for me.

Plenty of exes and current partners get on, unless there was cross over or something

Glad to see 97% of people supported the OP.

Because in this scenario the boy and his mum are behaving unreasonably and it's not on OP to accommodate that. Instead she has sent a message that she's not going to be dicked around any more, which imho was the right thing to do.

Sorry, but this is batshit. Never ceases to amaze me how far some posters will reach to apportion blame - even where there is none.

You don't see how it's a complete pain in the arse to wrangle two tired, hungry toddlers out of their car seats, hang around on the doorstep for however long it takes DSS to get off COD, then wrangle them back into their car seats, even more pissed off than they were before? Then you're either completely clueless or lying.

I'm 100% on the side of step kids getting pushed out and disregarded. It happens all the time, is frequently defended on MN, and it's heartbreaking. But that is not what's going on here. You're massively reaching and it's extremely rich to be name-calling two very young children for just being normal toddlers when you're the kind of adult who...calls very young children mean names 🤔

I get the impression that she liked the fact that you had to wait and we’re inconvenienced, otherwise she would have told him to hurry up, but obviously didn’t expect you to drive off! Not so funny when she is inconvenienced is it? It’s rude and disrespectful and she’s enabling it for her own reasons. You did the right thing and I would have done the same (also a Step Mum).

Not to mention that her DH texts every time to say what time she’ll be there. How much notice does DM need, and how many times does she need to be told. Smacks of arseholery to me !!

@Mumofferal3 sorry for the personal attack when you didn’t deserve it. I was in the wrong and read your post completely differently to what you meant 😳. I honestly thought you meant you would only rush your child along so that you and your child wouldn’t look bad and not for the SM’s sake. Can see now that you didn’t mean that.

Kid and mum had nothing stopping them being ready for you. They just chose to be lazy NTA!

Oh well. In my experience of step families, and it is extensive, the ones that work best are the ones where as many adults as possible try to keep their, often justified, personal animosity as far out of the arrangements for the children as possible. In this case, all 3 children seem to be caught up in the animosity between the OP and the step child's mother. And yes, the step child has behaved very badly. But he's12. It's a shit show. And believe me, nobody will have learnt anything. Animosity will just be further entrenched.

If the mother's taken offence at the favour being taken away, that's on her and between her and the son's dad. It's for them to sort out arrangements and if it's that the son doesn't want to go, again, that's for his parents to sort.

This isn't about whether or not people get on, it's the OP doing a favour ironically to make other people's lives easier when she didn't have to and being constantly kicked in the teeth for it when they've been warned again and again. In fact, fair play on her helping out DESPITE the fact they don't get on.

Some on here are clearly pushing their own agenda.

I can’t believe you’re getting any flack here @Oklie . I am in the bitter first wives club and I think the only thing you’ve done wrong is let them all inconvenience you so much!

I have had to have kids ready for handover many many times, and I was always watching the door ready to hustle the kids out as fast as possible and when they were older, chivying the kids for whoever was waiting. It’s basic manners. And there is absolutely no love list between me and the ex.

Also, I do not have my exH’s wife’s number. She’s doesn’t have mine. My DH does not have ex-H’s number, nor the reverse. We’ve all managed to negotiate contact swaps for the last 15 years without anyone spontaneously combusting. Fortunately, we are all past it completely now!

What are the distances involved here? Is it not time for him to be a bit more independent and make his own way home? Take a bus?? Presumably he’s at high school.

Totally disrespectful to expect you to wait. I’d literally call him if he’s not outside waiting, and count to 10 down the phone. If he’s not running out of the house by the time I reach 10, I’d drive off. Let the ex deal with it - she gets half the week off! You’ve got toddlers.

I would never want my child wedged in the middle and beig blamed so I would do everything in my power to avoid it. But for my child, not the SM. It is the parents duty to help facilitate the relationship, not really the SM and the SS.
I don't have any SM issues, I didn't get a SM until I was 21 so never really saw her in that role. My DM has since passed and SM is an excellent family member to my kids. SM and I get on really well.
Kids so often get caught in the crossfire. I do feel waiting around in a car with tired and hungry toddlers would break me so I would never have agreed in the first place.

The OP is helping the child's parents to make their lives easier. In turn they should all be supporting her!

I used to be you, sitting in the car /standing awkwardly on the doorstep waiting for a step-child to come out of their other parent's house. I honestly think their parent delayed them on purpose. Every single time they waited until I was there before they sent them to get their stuff together. Even though it was the same time every day! Their other step-parent had the sense to stay well out of it. I wish I'd had the balls to go 'right, you're not ready, I'm off' and to have left their actual parents to sort out the travel.

@walkerscrispsarethenuts Thanks and exactly. The parents should be co-operative and thanking her if anything!

I say this as somebody with no agenda as I've no family, didn't have step-parents and am a childless single woman.

Totally reasonable. Maybe if Ex has an issue with it, she ought to teach her son some manners. I'd make it clear that from now on, you expect him waiting at the door with his bags when you arrive and if he's not there, you'll keep driving and his parents will need to sort it out between them.

@Oklie YANBU
SS is out of order here. That said, kids don’t always think about how their actions inconvenience others, he’s plenty old enough to understand that though.
I have 13 and 11 year olds, they don’t always think about how their being slow or keeping others waiting is an inconvenience. They’re not unkind or mean they just don’t always think!
Tell SS he needs to be ready on time or won’t be picked up. His Dad needs to back you up on this and make it clear. Would be even better if he refuses to go back for him, as then that would push his Mum to get him out on time.
Another angle would be getting SS to help with his younger siblings when they are extremely tired and grouchy so he sees why you get cross about hanging around waiting with them and how hard it is!

So the whole parental responsibility issue is a legal term to denote the person who has the right to make key decisions about a child’s upbringing such as consenting to an operation or choosing schools. It’s not something that a 12 yo is or should be aware of and no, if you are a stepparent, you can’t (morally) wash your hands of your step kids and declare them not your problem because they will pick up on that. A biological parent doesn’t have a legal duty to do pickups either, although social services may step in and act if the child is being neglected but they can do so if a stepparent is treating the child badly too.

Anyway, this is clearly taking the piss. The mum, not the kid, needs to be told to have the kid ready by say 6 and that means fully dressed and ready to go. The kid can’t be the go between. If the stepmum and mum can’t communicate then the dad needs to do all the pick ups or mum needs to drop him off.

I know it’s for your child, but I think I would be saying it’s for the SM’s sake too. The mum should have hurried her son along for his sake and the poor stepmum waiting around for him.

yes I do get in very very well with my ex
@Allfur
what i meant was that the op said she didn’t get on with the ex in a follow up post to the OP

She didn’t need to have clarified. It was a abundantly clear from the scenario she was outlining in the op!!

I think it’s relevant, of course OP was right to include it. It shows that the ex probably gets a kick out of seeing OP wait outside for 20 minutes.