To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

@costabel

She is expecting the 12 year old to be constantly looking at his phone to come out

Most phones have alarm clock functions that could be set.If SS needs to be at the door at 6pm he or his mother could set up alarm clock for 5:45. Enough to save a game, quick pee,drink and shoes on.

There. Fixed it for you.

I used to work with a guy who picked up a young couple who also worked with us. He told me that he was tired of buzzing their flat and them saying they would be right down, then had to still sit outside 5 or even 10 minutes. He asked them several times to be waiting outside, and that he wasn't going to be waiting if they were not waiting outside. So the next shift he pulled up, waited 1 minute, and left. They were not pleased, but they did wait outside after that.

Next time you and DH want to go somewhere with DC, get them ready then make him wait for you all for 20 mins… when he asks when you’ll be ready just tell him DC ‘were just finishing their game’. See if he’s still as annoyed about SS taking ages to be ready for you then 🙈 petty but would prove a point 😂

I bet they wouldn't leave another parent or his friends wait that long. I wouldn't even contemplate it if my little kids were shattered or screaming or in the danger nap zone. I woukd say if it isn't that far he could make his own way, wait for dad or his mother could drop him. Plenty of options available to him.

Not unreasonable at all - "he was finishing his game" ... well next time he'll make sure he's finished his game before you get there i'm sure!!

I think this is the best idea. They clearly have zero respect for you, so why should you go out of your way for them. Leave it to DH to sort out himself.

Thats a her problem. I would just refuse to do it anymore and his dad and mum will have to sort it. Toddlers waiting 20 mins while tired and hungry is not fair

All the responsibility isn't left to the 12 year old, his DM is there too. As a mother, I would be on to my child to be ready and not to leave someone waiting. I would do that, not to save the SM but so that we maintained our standards. I wouldn't stoop to a level of using my child to wind someone else up because I wouldn't want my child to be seen in a bad way. For my childs sake, not the other persons.

Exactly this.

I agree, i feel sorry for the kid, he probably hates the whole situation

Completely NOT! Well done!!!!

I leave my kids at home to sort themselves IF they’re not ready by 8.20am when I leave for school run. They can get bus or Uber to school on their own!!!

Waiting for them to finish a game or even eat - when they know you’re coming for then, and have been given the heads up, is just plain rude and disrespectful.

But then thats on the SS's parents to address. Still not fair on the OP to be put out when all she wants to do is get home with her own DC after a long day at work/nursery.

As ever, why is the SM being held more accountable than the actual parents???

Poor SC for having such an awful SM. A SM who was doing more than either of his parents to ensure contact was maintained. Such a monster for finally getting to the end of her tether. Get your pitchforks and someone erect a stake to burn her at!!!

He's being rude and disrespectful because his parents are also displaying that behaviour. The only chance he had of learning manners and respect was from OP.

Maybe poor kid because he will forever be enabled all his life by his actual parents, and the real world will hit him in the face like a bag of bricks!!

Yep, this.

Because this is mumsnet and all step parents are wicked by definition !!

Why not to save the SM? How odd that you will only rush your child along to maintain your standards and not to save the SM being inconvenienced as well.
And you wouldn’t want your child to be seen in a bad way so you won’t use your child, but only for your child’s sake. Not the SM’s sake too? Does that mean if you could use your child to inconvenience the SM you would?

Have you got some stepmum issues going on or something?

🤦🏻‍♀️ because she has her toddlers in the car

Absolutely not unreasonable. You’ve brought it up time and time again with everyone involved,
you’re going out of your way to accommodate them when you have tired littlies in the car and it’s more a reflection on her that she hasn’t unplugged him for his rudeness in keeping you waiting! Make that the new norm!

Yeah I would withdraw from picking him up. That's actually for the parent's to work out between themselves. The mum might actually have to leave earlier and drop him off. I'm not sure why it's unreasonable to say that three individuals having to sit in a car for 20 minutes waiting for him isn't acceptable, regardless of age.

If this happened to me once I'd have just been like sod this. You can still be a good SM without being taken advantage of. Just say it's not working for you and your children, they will have to come up with an alternative arrangement

Good for you and they both owe you an apology.

To be fair, it's usually in response to the step parent moaning about the stepkids

This, but leave him in the hallway/car WITH the DC to deal with their tantrums/frustration on his own, while OP goes and scrolls on her phone for 20 minutes in the bathroom, so he really gets the message.

No, but I think you have comprehension issues going on. You’re tying yourself in knots trying to accuse this poster of something - not sure what. She said very clearly that she wouldn’t stoop to using her child to wind anyone up, and basically would make sure they understand that it’s bad manners to keep someone waiting - SM, or anyone else for that matter. Doesn’t mean any of the daftness you’re implying. It’s a life lesson, that’s all.

one of the many many many threads that once again confirms it was the right decision on my part to never ever blend families and subject myself and, more importantly, my children to this kind of shit show

Me and his mum don't get on either.

well knock me down with a feather! 😆