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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2024 20:42

I would give them one more chance, letting them know that you expect him to be coming out of the door at the time you have said you will be there. He can wait outside unless the weather is awful, if you're late. If you arrive and no sign of him call to say you are there but don't wait more than a couple of minutes before you go. They have pushed your patience too far and you need to mark this boundary and stick to it.

MississippiAF · 10/04/2024 20:56

I'd put "my location" on in whattsap so mum and SC can see where you are en route.

Sharing your location with your DH’s ex-wife? Wouldn’t be me!

debbs77 · 10/04/2024 20:57

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

You're actually my new hero! He won't do it again!

laclochette · 10/04/2024 20:59

OP I think you are reasonable to set boundaries and hold people to them.

There is a lot more emotional content here which may however rear its head in other ways and forms so I think it's worth dwelling on. These are just guesses but I'd be interested in hearing what you think the truth might be.

  • SS's mum and you don't get on. There is a serious possibility that she is deliberately enabling this lateness to piss you off. I've come across things like this a lot. Is there any chance of building a better relationship so that you can work more constructively together in future? If she is totally opposed to all your well meaning advances then the answer to that will be no, as you shouldn't have to be the only one making an effort, but it probably will continue to rear its head in other ways if that's the case
  • is there a chance that SS doesn't really want to come to yours with you? Often lateness is an expression of reluctance. Is there anything else going on that would support this theory? If so then the solution would include either addressing things within your home or set up to change whatever he doesn't find comfortable, OR potentially he'd rather be at his mum's rather than come to his dad's and he is getting to the age where I think this sort of wish should be listened to when it comes to custody.

These are just hunches and you shouldn't be waiting 20 mins, it's and, not or, but I do think it's worth looking at the emotional content of the situation to smooth the path ahead, for you as much as for everyone else involved.

askmenow · 10/04/2024 21:03

HermioneWeasley · 09/04/2024 22:29

You’ve drawn your boundary and I’ll bet it’s respected from now on!

Exactly this ^....
You have an OH problem. The 12 year old can be taught to respect boundaries by his father. He's either ready to go at the appointed time or he doesn't get collected and his mother, the ex, needs telling exactly that.

Clearly she's been bad mouthing you in front of the child and the disrespect is carrying over. Time to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.
Step parents get a bad press on here but are often caught in the middle. You have young, tired and fractious children in the car when you're so SC needs to be ready. Explain that to him and try to get his cooperation.

Been there, done it and eaten the teeshirt! And we all get on wonderfully now after years have passed and water under the bridge but setting fair parameters was a trial.
The SC Must be co opted to participate in your family dynamics, made to feel included and responsible for his own actions. Time to motivate OH.

DreamTheMoors · 10/04/2024 21:10

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:25

It's the audacity too to be mad at me because she's late for work... erm make sure your child leaves on time then and you wouldn't have been? It's not rocket science.

She’s furious because her kid was introduced to the consequences of his actions.
You should make clear to them that 4PM means 4PM and the train will be leaving the station at 4PM — NOT at 4:20.
Unless he’s AIS (ass in seat) at 4PM, his AWBLB (ass will be left behind).

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 21:18

costabel · 10/04/2024 18:24

noyesnoyes

"If you read the OP it's not a one off? Happens every time and she has already spoke to both his father and him about it.
He's had chances, they've gone and it would appear the behaviour is actually getting worse."

this doesnt negate my point. The point is the need for not behaving childishly, and clear comms between the OP and the child; and the OP and the mother (supported by the partner obviously). Continuously and clearly. We dont know if this is happening.

In a lot of these situations there is lots of grudge, passive aggressiveness, not speaking but expecting everyone to behave. Not really trying hard to find a solution e.g. I cant get out of the car... its not my problem, wont pick him up again....OP isn’t being unreasonable here with this incident, but based on these sentences, the situation sounds more complex than this one incident of waiting 20 mins then driving off. And again not saying this is only OP’s fault, obviously it isn’t, but OP doesnt even speak to the mom at all (neither the mom to her). She is expecting the 12 year old to be constantly looking at his phone to come out. And expecting the 12 year old to behave. Some 12 year olds do have that conscious. Many dont. As someone said above this is still a kid. The communication should be, yes to the kid, but also to the mom. Why is it so scandalous to text to the mom, or ring the effing bell. Is she violent or something? Or is she deliberately preventing the son to come out? speculations really. again, communication.

(and what’s wrong with using the word mom, to refer to the mom? didnt quite get that. what’s the right word in this context?)

I discovered your diatribe by coincidence, you either need to quote or use the @ to alert me, assuming you want a response.

I'll answer this verrrrrry long post later.

Ellie56 · 10/04/2024 21:19

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Well done you. I think keeping you waiting more than 2-3 minutes is a complete piss take when you are doing them a favour.

As for "just finishing a game" WTAF? Since when was this a reasonable reason for anyone to keep someone else waiting? So rude and disrespectful. Angry

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 21:19

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 10/04/2024 20:15

I'd put "my location" on in whattsap so mum and SC can see where you are en route.

I'd make it crystal clear to him and his mum that in future you will wait no more than 5mins (for example) and if he is not in car you're sorry but you'll need to leave.

We teach people how to treat us, and atm they are taking you for a fool.

You have been extremely patient up until now

I don't allow even my very much loved DH to track me....... too weird!!

Irishmama100 · 10/04/2024 21:23

Well done for standing up for yourself. That is totally not on! The disrespect of your other half, his ex wife and the step son!
you were 💯right to drive on!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 10/04/2024 21:25

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 19:17

@Shatteredallthetimelately "There's the first one a few posts down....
Or are you suggesting OP leave her DC in the car out on the street..."

I am absolutely not. I am suggesting that she sends the mother a text saying "outside" then waits no more than 5 minutes. I genuinely can't see why this is a fraction of an issue.

OP had already stated that her and the the DSS DM don't get on, and neither has nor wants her phone number. So that's unlikely to happen.

The DM has already been messaged by het Ex, the father of her 12 year old. How many times do they need to be told.

Maybe they should set an alarm if they're incapable of remembering to keep an eye out for OP arriving outside, after all by OP account its not a one off, making it darn right rude.

If OP feels she's being taken for a fool and every other party involved are upset that she's set a boundary the other option is for her to tell her DP that as she's collecting their two DC from nursery/her parents, taking them home and seeing to them that he can help out by collecting his DC from the EX.

Jumpingthruhoops · 10/04/2024 21:33

Reading between the lines, it seems pretty clear that SS would rather stay at his mum's playing on his Xbox than come and stay with you/his dad. Understandable, I suppose, he's 12 now.
Maybe it's time you reassessed living arrangements?

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/04/2024 22:02

I think I’d maybe (maybe) give one more chance. If he does it again, I would just stop doing it. It’s not your responsibility and the ex, and to some extent your partner, have no respect for you.

ManyATrueWord · 10/04/2024 22:04

Two children plus you waiting for 20 minutes is an hour of waiting time. Absolutely unacceptable. And for just finishing a game? Incredibly rude. There is no way on earth that should be expected.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2024 22:06

Tough shit for both of them. Maybe they will learn some respect for other people's time in future.

babycandy · 10/04/2024 22:13

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Oh I feel your pain. My ex worked abroad and I would take my stepson when he was away.
Well stepson’s mum just took the p at dropping off times knowing full well I had work etc.
Once she was like “oh I’ve literally just gone for a wander around B&M” by text even though it was 16.05 and the drop off time was 16.00.
That was the final straw for me and I took Stepson down to B&M and all his baggage too and popped them all in her trolley. She was taken aback and I couldn’t care less.

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all!

peebles32 · 10/04/2024 22:13

Well done OP! Regardless of who it is it is rude! A bloody game!!

anon4net · 10/04/2024 22:16

Good for you @Oklie and I would say the same if he wasn't your step child.

I have on dc I've had to be very clear about these things with. There's no 'just finishing a game' or 'I have to pack'. I expect them to be ready baring anything that arose out of their control.

You are teaching him something his parents aren't willing to!

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 10/04/2024 22:45

Well done for driving off. Next time explain to the sc why and sorry but you have to get moving, he will quickly learn as will the ex if she’s impacted. Bloody games. You have to play hard ball.

Ofcourseshecan · 10/04/2024 22:56

Footyfandango · 09/04/2024 22:19

No you were not being unreasonable at all. Not just frustrating for you but two tired toddlers need to be got home. I would advise SS and his Mum this is the new norm, and that if Ss not ready for pick up you will just drive home

I agree.

Beachcomber74 · 10/04/2024 22:59

Time to be selfish. Just focus on the little ones getting them home & in bedtime routine. Let his parents sort it out between them.

allaloneandlost · 10/04/2024 23:00

Why should OP faff around knocking the door which means leaving little ones in the car or getting them out and walking down then back in the car, putting her location on or calling or texting repeatedly?

She's doing them a favour and doesn't have to, to make everybody else's lives easier and is fed up of being taken advantage of.

It's up to him to be ready and the mother to make sure he is and his father to get involved, especially as she's annoyed at being late for work. This really isn't difficult.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 10/04/2024 23:03

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 20:34

@Itsallfunngamesuntil I certainly wouldn't want someone I didn't like to be able to track me.......

You only out it on for 15 mins or an hour if you wish, before it auto turns off. This way they have zero excuse for being late for pick up

fashionqueen1183 · 10/04/2024 23:05

Wow I wouldn’t have waited 15 let alone 20 mins on my own let alone with two toddlers. They must have been going crazy!
Good for you!

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 10/04/2024 23:06

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 21:19

I don't allow even my very much loved DH to track me....... too weird!!

Show quote history

Works really well for my friends n family if we are doing pick up we'll put it on for 15mins then it auto turns off. Its not about tracking,it's about helping to facilitate things

Each to their own though