To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Me and his mum don't get on either
@Oklie that's why she allows the child to be late, she sees an opportunity to make your life harder and she exploits it to the fullest extent.
She's pissed off because it backfired and now HER life has been made harder.
Stick to your guns.

Op, he was incredibly rude to say he was finishing his game and you are right to have driven away to show you expect respect in future. The step mum thing is irrelevant, I wouldn't take that from my own kids if I was giving them a lift. Either DH and his ex accept you now have a 5 minute rule, and do not complain ever again, or they do the lifts themselves.

I am bit confused about the set up with the mum though. Unless you live in a freakishly low traffic place, I assume it is impossible to predict exactly what time you will arrive, so if you are not texting the mum or ringing the doorbell, how can you be sure the mum knew you'd arrived or how long you were waiting? If you were parked right outside I don't see the issue with leaving 2 strapped in kids in the car for one minute to go to the door (not to go in of course), and if you were parked further away, how can you be sure she knows you've arrived?

She knows where the woman lives ffs lol I'm sure that's enough

I bet your DH wasn't waiting for 20mins. If it's not on her way to work then she either gets him ready on time or starts leaving for work earlier after dropping him off.

If I had given clear instructions as to my arrival time, and people repeatedly made me wait, then the final straw would be a 20 min wait. I would drive off too. Whether that was my stepchild, own kids, (healthy) parents, friends or my postman. It’s disrespectful and boundaries need setting.

I embarrassed for you that you think this is okay.

Read the whole OP...

Sorted

Iv done similar own 12 year old and teens from our own house. After weeks of warnings, if they weren't ready Iv left them to make their own to things they wanted to do.

Yanbu

I did. And as I'd already replied she needs to woman up and swap numbers with the mum. It solves the issue even if they 'don't get on'

noyesnoyes

"If you read the OP it's not a one off? Happens every time and she has already spoke to both his father and him about it.
He's had chances, they've gone and it would appear the behaviour is actually getting worse."

this doesnt negate my point. The point is the need for not behaving childishly, and clear comms between the OP and the child; and the OP and the mother (supported by the partner obviously). Continuously and clearly. We dont know if this is happening.

In a lot of these situations there is lots of grudge, passive aggressiveness, not speaking but expecting everyone to behave. Not really trying hard to find a solution e.g. I cant get out of the car... its not my problem, wont pick him up again....OP isn’t being unreasonable here with this incident, but based on these sentences, the situation sounds more complex than this one incident of waiting 20 mins then driving off. And again not saying this is only OP’s fault, obviously it isn’t, but OP doesnt even speak to the mom at all (neither the mom to her). She is expecting the 12 year old to be constantly looking at his phone to come out. And expecting the 12 year old to behave. Some 12 year olds do have that conscious. Many dont. As someone said above this is still a kid. The communication should be, yes to the kid, but also to the mom. Why is it so scandalous to text to the mom, or ring the effing bell. Is she violent or something? Or is she deliberately preventing the son to come out? speculations really. again, communication.

(and what’s wrong with using the word mom, to refer to the mom? didnt quite get that. what’s the right word in this context?)

You were unreasonable to wait 20 minutes. Five perhaps ten if you were feeling kind.

Why do you and the ex not get on?

Totally and utterly reasonable, it's ridiculous, he needs to learn to be ready on time.

Aww it's cute seeing the usual suspects on here bashing a stepmother. Warms the cockles.
I am so happy to see the attitudes toward stepmothers slowly changing though. If OP had posted this thread even a year ago she would have been torn apart.
I'm glad people are noticing that stepmothers are held to a far higher standard than an actual mother or father. Nah, fuck that.
Have you told your DH you won't be doing it again @Oklie ?

It's not about who's doing what and scoring points off each other. Sometimes being right is not the most important thing. OP is going to be a significant figure in this kids life for the rest of his life and their relationship is important. If he carries on taking the piss then I'd stop lifts, but I would give him a chance to redeem himself and learn to respect OP because that would be more productive long term for both of them.

If you state a time that you’re going to be there to pick up the child, then the mother should ensure he’s ready and waiting for you to arrive, why is she letting him play a game knowing you’re on your way for him!?
id be like you’re not ready I’m not waiting!

Yanbu. And anyone saying otherwise is being contrary for the sake of it because it’s AIBU and people like to be dicks to strangers on the internet.

It’s rude and disrespectful to be kept waiting this long for no good reason.

No one in here would be happy about it.

Well done for today. You’ve set a boundary and made a very clear point that you won’t be taken the piss out of anymore.

@Shatteredallthetimelately "There's the first one a few posts down....
Or are you suggesting OP leave her DC in the car out on the street..."

I am absolutely not. I am suggesting that she sends the mother a text saying "outside" then waits no more than 5 minutes. I genuinely can't see why this is a fraction of an issue.

I’d tell them all the F off in my honesty

But why??

Why do you think that would make the disrespectful DM and SS, suddenly respectful!

The DM knows the time and literally gives no fiucks!!

I think that the OP is doing the lion's share of the work, in being prepared to give the lift. The least the child and the mother can do is ensure that he is ready to go and doesn't further delay her and two very young children from finally getting home.

If they can't manage that, I can certainly see why she isn't prepared to continue putting herself and the two wee ones out any longer, to continue to do so.

Was going to say something similar - leave after 5 minutes even if he is running down the path towards you.

Take no prisoners here.

I'd put "my location" on in whattsap so mum and SC can see where you are en route.

I'd make it crystal clear to him and his mum that in future you will wait no more than 5mins (for example) and if he is not in car you're sorry but you'll need to leave.

We teach people how to treat us, and atm they are taking you for a fool.

You have been extremely patient up until now

Oh my lord no, not unreasonable at all!! Incredibly rude to be late not just once but repeatedly, and the ‘just finishing a game’ thing is the cherry on top of taking the piss.

i used to get carshare type lifts to high school- we were all under super strict instructions not to be late, ever, on pain of death (well not, but you know what I mean. Being late when in receipt of a lift which is a favour is rude !)

@Itsallfunngamesuntil I certainly wouldn't want someone I didn't like to be able to track me.......