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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
Teentaxidriver · 10/04/2024 16:14

You are extremely kind to collect him. In future, I would say that you wait no more than 5 mins and then leave. Stick to it. His mother needs to get him to you in time or it is tough shit.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 16:20

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 16:11

It's like you are all whipping yourself up into a frenzy about this "toerag" of a stepson who dared make OP wait 20 minutes, and trying to outdo each other in how little tolerance you would have.

"I think you are unreasonable to even allow him in your car, ever! Personally I would kill the little shit with fire if he ever looked at me funny".

It's a child. Not an especially young one, but still. 12 isn't a grown up - we can expect him to sometimes do childish things. That's why he is not allowed to vote, or to drive etc etc
All children do imperfect things sometimes. I don't suppose he's evil.

Does he even want to go to his dad's? Maybe he doesn't, so OP driving off is giving him exactly the outcome he wants.

I don't think either of the moms or any of the kids here are less important than the others. I do think their lives would be happier if they all learned to get on with each other tho. Peace and love!

But whatever. I don't know why I keep opening this - horrified fascination I think, at the way you all gleefully celebrate intolerance and discord. I just hope stepson's not on MN!

It's every single time!

I'm loving that the odd few posters that disagree with OP are all using the term "mom" Grin

allaloneandlost · 10/04/2024 16:27

It was very kind of you to do it in the first place to help everybody out and yet it's always the person who does all the work and running who gets the blame isn't it?

He's been told many times. I know he's young but if it's so important for his mother to get to work then it's up to her to push her son to be ready. It's not for you to keep phoning and texting. They're all being disrespectful to you and you have enough on your plate. You kindly did them a favour but now you've been taken advantage of. I'd stop and let them sort it tbh as it's unfair on you and your children. They've had plenty of warnings and chances.

historiccastles · 10/04/2024 16:28

I don't think you're unreasonable to find it disrespectful that he took that long to come out.

I do think it's rude to sit outside someone's house when you've come to collect someone and not knock the door, even if you do have wriggling toddlers in the back. And a bit childish to avoid it because of the ex.

My ex's ex-wife used to do that when she was collecting their son and I found it really passive aggressive and annoying how she'd pull up and just sit there glowering, waiting for us to clock she had arrived.

Under the circumstances I think I'd just say you're not picking him up any more, clearly the system isn't working for you or them.

Zimunya · 10/04/2024 16:33

Not unreasonable at all, OP. Sounds like you’ve been more than reasonable and patient in the run up to today. SS and his mother have acted quite rudely towards you. I think you’re perfectly justified in saying you’re not doing it any more.

Wornoutlady · 10/04/2024 16:34

@Ilovelurchers It would help your case of superiority greatly if you had bothered to read every single response and noticed that not everyone is saying the same thing.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:34

My ex's ex-wife used to do that when she was collecting their son and I found it really passive aggressive and annoying how she'd pull up and just sit there glowering, waiting for us to clock she had arrived.

My DH's ex pulls up outside our house and texts DSS that she's here, which is infinitely preferable to when she used to insist on coming in and waiting for him to faff around getting ready, all the while glowering at me in my own house.

allaloneandlost · 10/04/2024 16:34

I disagree with those saying just knock the door or sound the horn. They know what time OP's coming. Up to them to be ready. Would it be okay for him to be 20 minutes late for school everyday while he finishes a game? Of course not. It's about throwing somebody's generosity back at them when they've tried to help and didn't have to.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 16:40

Nobody has yet explained to me why sending the mum a 7 letter text when she gets there is such a unacceptable idea. Obviously she shouldn't ever be waiting more than 5 minutes, if that, but surely finding a way to make that happen is the way forward, and to make everything as calm and happy as possible for everyone. Including the toddlers, who presumably can't help reacting to a stressful environment.

Bangwam1 · 10/04/2024 16:41

Good job. You established boundaries for all of them.

InterIgnis · 10/04/2024 16:42

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 16:40

Nobody has yet explained to me why sending the mum a 7 letter text when she gets there is such a unacceptable idea. Obviously she shouldn't ever be waiting more than 5 minutes, if that, but surely finding a way to make that happen is the way forward, and to make everything as calm and happy as possible for everyone. Including the toddlers, who presumably can't help reacting to a stressful environment.

Because she doesn’t want to. The way forward is for OP to stop doing them favours and let his dad sort it out.

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2024 16:43

@Ilovelurchers On another thread I’d probably agree with you, but in this situation the mother and child are just rude.

This 12 yo has repeatedly kept the OP waiting. If he is incapable of managing himself, his adult should ensure he’s off the game and ready.

They had ample notices and reminders of OP’s imminent arrival, but kept her waiting for 20 minutes! This is unacceptable behaviour from both the adult and child on the other side of the door.

He may not be mature enough to make good choices, but he hopefully know now that other people’s time is precious, his behaviour was disrespectful and no one is obliged to tolerate it.

EnglishBluebell · 10/04/2024 16:55

@Rosscameasdoody You didn't read my post properly or even fully did you? I said TWICE that I realise OP wasn't doing that but that it tends to be the MN suggestion to do that and was advising OP not to be influenced by this attitude that always appears on here Hmm

Tillievanilly · 10/04/2024 17:03

Nope you were right. He will learn from this. Tbh if I was his mum I would make sure he is downstairs ready at the time your due to collect.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 10/04/2024 17:08

I don't understand why posters are expecting the OP to park up, and as mentioned in OP's post on the street, so not even a driveway/off road parking, remove 2 young children from a car walk them to the DSC's house to collect the 12 year old DSC, then walk back, all while he and his DM are sat inside and can't even have the decency to at least be ready or glance out of the window knowing OP is on their way, let alone make them wait while DSC wastes her time.

I'd imagine after a full day at work and 2 DC to get bathed and off to bed OP just wants to get home and crack on.

allaloneandlost · 10/04/2024 17:12

@Shatteredallthetimelately Exactly. It's because OP's time is not seen as important and is being taken advantage of. Finally OP's had enough and it's about time.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 17:13

@Shatteredallthetimelately "I don't understand why posters are expecting the OP to park up, and as mentioned in OP's post on the street, so not even a driveway/off road parking, remove 2 young children from a car walk them to the DSC's house to collect the 12 year old DSC, then walk back,"

I haven't seen anyone expecting her to do this.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 10/04/2024 17:16

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 17:13

@Shatteredallthetimelately "I don't understand why posters are expecting the OP to park up, and as mentioned in OP's post on the street, so not even a driveway/off road parking, remove 2 young children from a car walk them to the DSC's house to collect the 12 year old DSC, then walk back,"

I haven't seen anyone expecting her to do this.

Why don’t you just go to the door and ask his mum to get him?

There's the first one a few posts down....
Or are you suggesting OP leave her DC in the car out on the street...

Flopsy145 · 10/04/2024 17:26

Initially I thought you were talking about a young child where the responsibility was solely with the mum and thought yabu, but when you said "finishing a game" I completely switched and you are not being unreasonable 😂

funinthesun19 · 10/04/2024 17:31

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 16:11

It's like you are all whipping yourself up into a frenzy about this "toerag" of a stepson who dared make OP wait 20 minutes, and trying to outdo each other in how little tolerance you would have.

"I think you are unreasonable to even allow him in your car, ever! Personally I would kill the little shit with fire if he ever looked at me funny".

It's a child. Not an especially young one, but still. 12 isn't a grown up - we can expect him to sometimes do childish things. That's why he is not allowed to vote, or to drive etc etc
All children do imperfect things sometimes. I don't suppose he's evil.

Does he even want to go to his dad's? Maybe he doesn't, so OP driving off is giving him exactly the outcome he wants.

I don't think either of the moms or any of the kids here are less important than the others. I do think their lives would be happier if they all learned to get on with each other tho. Peace and love!

But whatever. I don't know why I keep opening this - horrified fascination I think, at the way you all gleefully celebrate intolerance and discord. I just hope stepson's not on MN!

For me it’s more the mum I’m annoyed with after reading this thread and that’s who I would channeling most of my frustration at after waiting 20 minutes. She was in that house and did fuck all to get her son to get a move on. But yes, the stepson took the piss too. But she’s a grown arsed adult and she’s a CF to be fuming after SHE wasted op’s time.

And yes, 20 minutes is a long time to keep someone waiting. You seem to think it’s no big deal. The ex knew op was outside all that time and it’s just fucking rude. She should have told her kid to hurry up.

PupInAPram · 10/04/2024 17:33

I would lay the ground rule that I wait exactly 5 minutes then drive away. Ball's in his mum's court then.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/04/2024 17:37

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/04/2024 00:00

I think I would probably give him another chance for the sake of family harmony, but I'd be very clear about boundaries. He can be out the door within five minutes of you pulling up or you go without him. Every time. It wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse to ever pick him up again, but if you can come to an agreement where you will pick him up provided he is ready on time you'll probably have a better relationship with him moving forward.

I'm shocked at his mum daring to be angry with you though. She was in a far better position than you to do something to fix the situation and chose not to. You were doing her a favour.

What about the SS and his mother doing the right thing for "family harmony"?

@Oklie you did the right thing. I'm curious as to how old your little ones are. It's not relevant. I'm just interested.

StitchVic · 10/04/2024 17:38

No you weren’t being unreasonable OP. This would also p*ss me right off.

Andthereyougo · 10/04/2024 17:43

It’s rude and disrespectful to you. I wouldn’t have waited more than 5 minutes.
And I wouldn’t pick him up again.

Avatartar · 10/04/2024 17:46

i agree just don’t collect SC ever again. You’ve been inconvenienced when youv’e been doing everyone else a favour and the only ones affected are you and the toddlers. They didn’t stick to the arrangement so they can sort a new one that will work - only without you in the mix - they had plenty of chances