To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

This with bells on

I don't know where you live, but SS is now of an age where many of his peers are managing familiar journeys by public transport for school or early evening jaunts with their mates; when the arrangement was set up, he was probably far too young to expect this of him, but time moves on.
I don't suppose this will appeal to him, but the other options are being ready or letting his parents sort it out between themselves.

You think Op and her kids time don't matter?

I think if you do it again word it differently.

Say that you'll swing by at x oclock and if he'd like a lift to be ready and waiting by the front door. You'll text and wait 5 minutes whilst he gets out with his stuff but after that you'll assume she's made other plans to drop him over.

And just leave exactly on five minutes. If they kick off, say you waited but assumed no lift was required as he didn't appear.

Do this every time and they will learn if they want a lift to be ready.

All the current situation is doing is reinforcing disrespect.

It's just rude. Rude on her part for not making absolutely sure he's ready waiting for you.
Rude of him to be thinking it's ok to finish gaming whilst you are waiting on the car.

It's poor parenting.

Do not let your husband turn this on you. It's his business and you are doing him a favour not the other way around.

I think 'thank you for trying' were the words he was struggling to find!

Personally, I think you were right to drive off.

It's weird that all the 'anger / frustration' from DH and ex is directed at you and not SS.

I have a DS at this age, obsessed with gaming. If he doesn't do what we ask, when we ask (as it it time critical) due to gaming, he is given sanctions.
No gaming for the evening or 2 evenings - whatever is needed to make sure he realises that his gaming is not more important than our lives.

Has SS been punished? Can Ex agree to turn off the wifi 10 mins before you arrive?

I think this is more about communication issues and grudges. On this occasion of course you are right he shouldn’t make you wait like a mug for 20 mins. However, 12 year olds aren’t exactly at the height of maturity. The mother should have pushed him out. But you dont speak to the mother. You also dont go to ring the bell (I dont buy that you cant leave the kids in the car for ten seconds to go ring, while they are in the car where you can see them, or you cant take them out of the car). You dont want to be flexible for one reason or another, and mom has been disrespectful, or inconsiderate at the very least. Now you are using this occasion as an excuse to cancel out all pick ups as you probably didnt want to do it in the first place. Why wasn’t this discussed before at the first place? When you pick up the boy and he spends time in your house dont you speak to him, couldn’t you tell him before when it happened very clearly this was the last time you would be waiting?
So that brings me to, How is your relationship with this boy? Are you projecting your frustrations with the mum onto him? How long have you been together with the dad? It doesnt sound like a new relationship as you have kids, which makes me think these procedural issues must have been ironed out. More will come as the boy grows older and so do your DC.
I also dont buy that you would not consider having the moms phone number, and would contact the dad in case something serious happens. What if you cant reach the dad. What if contacting the mom is time critical? The issue is the lack of clear communication here. Your post at face value is yes, YANBU, but clearly there is a lot to unpack there and it might not be so black and white when considered in context.

If you read the OP it's not a one off? Happens every time and she has already spoke to both his father and him about it.

He's had chances, they've gone and it would appear the behaviour is actually getting worse.

By waiting in the past you have set the expectation that you will always wait.

now everyone knows the conditions I wouldn’t be surprised if this issue fixes itself.

next time set a time limit and stick to it. Set the precedent that your time is also valuable

@Redpaisley "
But op waited for 20 mins with her toddlers in the car, while the boy sat playing video game. How disrespectful is that? "

Completely unacceptable. Did his mother know she was waiting?

The only way they will learn is by you not waiting. Good on you.

I wouldn’t have given them ten minutes let alone 20. Let the ex wife and your husband sort their children out if this is the carry on you have all the time.

I agree, you were completely within your rights to bugger off. I'd have done the same (I might have had a tantrum first tho, given he was playing a GAME).
I think as with most things, if you can't change someone's behavior you can just change your reaction to it. You simply won't wait / pick him up if he's not ready.

I think that’s a bit shitty tbh.

You say you go past their house so it’s a bit spiteful not to pick him up.

You were completely right to drive off though. Pre-teen/teen boys can be selfish and he needed to see that his behaviour was unacceptable.

I’d give him another chance. I think if he STILL doesn’t buck his ideas up then fine, it’s reasonable to refuse to collect him again. But I think it’s excessive to take that stance now. You’re in a blended family, I think that means supporting each other even when technically it’s not your responsibility.

But if he continued to dick around at pick up, that would be it.

YANBU, OP. And I think you are right to say you're done with picking up DSS now. Let his father sort it out.

I do think some people expect far too little of children at times. It's really not too much to expect a 12 year old to leave the house on time if he wants a lift, particularly if he has had several prompts, including one 10 minutes before the expected departure time. And if his mother was so keen to get to work on time, she should have ensured he was ready to leave. How does he get to school on time if neither he nor his mother make it happen?

No you were not unreasonable, let them fume and be inconvenienced for once. Bad actions have bad consequences. At 12 he’s old enough to get himself at the door in time.

Either mum or DH can drop him off in future.

He sounds like an utter toerag.

Good for you. It's a proper piss take. I'd expect him out in 5 mins or else. The arrogance and cheek of it is breath taking.

You did exactly the right thing. You are not the parent so have no control hers, and the people who do are not supporting you. Your H and his ex sound like a right pair of entitled ingrates. No wonder your SS thinks he can behave like that with them as his role models.

You were not unreasonable and I bet his mum is in more of a rush to get him out of the door next time. 😂

The ex is fuming so maybe next time she is fuming before she is late by getting her child outside on time . I would repeatedly do the same until he was on time .

I would have left at waiting 20mins especially with the reason being gaming.
Actually I would have gone after 10-15mins. But

Its rude. You are doing them a favour.

I would go again but also leave if not ready and waiting for 10mins.

Hopefully you have taught him about time management, respect and consideration to others. You did the right thing.

I would have done the same as you and driven off, if it was my own children/stepchildren, a family friend whatever. It's just natural consequences. I'm picking someone up and they should be ready. I would leave my own kids too, they need to learn. However I wouldn't immediately stop, I feel like you've drawn the line now (to be fair you've let it go on for some time , without a strict boundary) I'd now give them the chance to see if they respond to the boundary. So I'd still go around again, but make it clear that I won't be waiting past the reasonable 1 or 2 minutes. I think, even just to retain the moral high ground, I'd pick up once more. Then you can very fairly say, I've tried my best

This^
It's disrespectful of your time. In future, if he isn't ready and waiting for YOU to collect him without good reason, then it's his mum's responsibility to get him over to yours.
Finishing a game is not a good reason. I would be absolutely fuming!

You could use the line "I'm not a taxi" - but then again, taxis wouldn't sit and wait for 20 minutes either.

It's like you are all whipping yourself up into a frenzy about this "toerag" of a stepson who dared make OP wait 20 minutes, and trying to outdo each other in how little tolerance you would have.

"I think you are unreasonable to even allow him in your car, ever! Personally I would kill the little shit with fire if he ever looked at me funny".

It's a child. Not an especially young one, but still. 12 isn't a grown up - we can expect him to sometimes do childish things. That's why he is not allowed to vote, or to drive etc etc
All children do imperfect things sometimes. I don't suppose he's evil.

Does he even want to go to his dad's? Maybe he doesn't, so OP driving off is giving him exactly the outcome he wants.

I don't think either of the moms or any of the kids here are less important than the others. I do think their lives would be happier if they all learned to get on with each other tho. Peace and love!

But whatever. I don't know why I keep opening this - horrified fascination I think, at the way you all gleefully celebrate intolerance and discord. I just hope stepson's not on MN!