To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OMD, isn't it just peak Mumsnet for some to go off on a tangent and focus on the exact wrong thing!

You don't have to have Dh's ex's number - HE does.

As far as the actual issue goes, you've had the piss ripped out of you for long enough. Fair play to you for driving off. If DH wants you to continue to pick up DSC (and if you are even prepared to do so any more) he needs to accept that if SC is not out of the house within a couple of minutes of you arriving you will be leaving.

You're not a taxi service and you absolutely shouldn't be waiting for him to finish a round of feckin Fortnite or some other braindead shit, car full of kids or not! Basic respect for you is seriously lacking, here.

Put your foot down, OP. It's not your job to be a door mat to keep DSC or his Mum happy.

OP this is for DH and his ex to sort out, it is on her to make sure SS is ready and waiting at the door, I say this as a mum to to an 11 year old and 15 year old DS. She could reasonably have left a 12 year old briefly while she went to work, maybe it should be the new set up that DH goes to get him? I might be way off the mark here, but how does SS feel about the 50:50 split? My parents split when I was a slightly older teen and did 50:50 and I hated it. I felt like I lived my life out of a bag and never had the stuff I needed, it was always at the other house. I had to think about where I was going to be each evening on top of demands of school work, I found it really unsettling

YANBU. I wouldn’t blame you for not picking him up again. If it was me then I’d keep texting him 10 mins before you arrive, text him when you arrive and if he doesn’t come out straight away I’d just drive off. If it happened again I’d probably just refuse to pick him up though. His mum can drop him off or his dad can pick him up.

@EG94 Yes, I know what you mean! That is exactly what I would have thought and you 'd think it would be the way to go? And what you describe is exactly how I started out handling it but as they go into teen years, you need to start to respect their preferences on how they want to spend their tme.

When the teens came, he stopped responding to carrot/stick punishments. He'd just take his ban and go around to his friends house and play. If you banned him from going to his friends, he'd just lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling.

It became a wedge between us - a constant source of friction and unhappiness. And you start to think: another 4 years and he can choose if wants to see us or to cut us out of his life entirely.

There's just a point where you have to stop being the dictator and start working with him. In the end I found understanding why it was such a problem and how we could work around the thing that he loved to do most without inconveniencing everyone else.

My son is 20 now so this is all in the past. He doesn't really play the xbox any more. He spends his time doing his engineering degree and building race cars . A love which he first found via his XBox racing games. He also has a friends who he met via his games which he now meets up with and goes to watch Formula 1 with. So that's a good outcome to me.

You were unreasonable driving off. They are u and annoying not being ready

I’m glad you had a good outcome and it worked for you.

for me I’d feel like my child played a game and won. If my kid decided they wouldn’t have contact with me because I instilled boundaries and live by the mantra under my house it’s my rules, I think I might of failed in other areas because it would be clear my child is capable of making irrational decisions based on the fact they didn’t get what they wanted when they wanted it. Life would be a shock for them 😂

This is such a great post. Often some parents be it men or women become the dictator. It doesn't work and is the creation of so much angst in all homes be it blended and non-blended families.

This is really not an example of a traumatised stepchild needing to be pandered to. It’s sheer rudeness from the SS, whose parents are now seeing their arses because they now have to do some inconvenient parenting.

I was a stepchild. My stepmother would not have needed to take a stand on something like this, because my dad would have read the riot act had we been this disrespectful.

Wrangling tired, hungry toddlers is already a PITA. It’s insane to expect OP to get 2 toddlers in and out of a car to present a deferential chauffeur service to a rude teenager.

Erm, nah. So much wrong with everything you've said.

Seems on MN being a stepmum means you have to be treated like a servant by DP/ExDP and DSC, when it suits them.

Not sure where you're getting that from - the voting is overwhelmingly on OP's side (as it should be).

yup, at 12 they are never just finishing a game!! Had to be done. They'll need to start learning or it'll happen again and again (you driving off;)). You're teaching ss a good lesson op (from a person who married into a family of late people which I don't mind but not ok when you have to deal with toddlers)

Exactly this. She should have had him ready with coat on and bags etc ready to go for when you arrived, which I expect she will do next time as PP says. And if DH thinks it's so wrong he can make time outside of work to pick him up then can't he

You’re 110% in the right here. I would wait 5 min tops. So disrespectful.

YABU to wait any longer than 5 minutes IMO.
He should be ready to go when you arrive. If not, leave them to it.

What a favour you have done him. He has ( hopefully) learned that he has been rude and inconsiderate and that a poor choice by him has had adverse consequences. In particular, hopefully he has learned that other people - in particular a woman and younger children's needs and wants - don't come second to his wants. It's a good lesson for any kid that timekeeping is important and that adults won't always wait around for them

So children need to learn not to start a game that they don't know how long it will last if they've got commitments.

Otherwise they let down their teammates.

Since when did kids dictate the rules!

Totally reasonable. From now on dss is waiting outside for you or you drive on. Not your problem. Good luck.

Do not do any more pick ups. His parents can step up and sort out their own child. Fuck that.

YANBU, he should have been ready and waiting by the door for the time that you are going to arrive.

The mother should not let him be on the Xbox around the time that you are coming for him. She is the parent, she needs to stop him gaming and make him get ready

In my day you were either ready & waiting outside or inside & just needing to slip shoes on.

Well I still do this as do my kids!

Even easy when people are in touch to say "5mins away/just turning into your street" etc.

This exactly.

I’d have been horrified if my daughters had been that rude to their step mother. Or anyone actually.

It’s downright rude and the OP’s DH and his ex are entirely to blame for not sorting their DS out the first time he was that rude to the Op while she was doing them a favour.

You've done the right thing. They can both get fucked. Not the SS, he needed chivvying/telling to get off his bloody game. The Ex and DH can get fucked.

You handled this perfectly op!

I'd be tempted to say no more.

It's happened too often & his parents need to sort it out.

Is this what he wants for his younger kids?

To be have to be waiting around for him?

But op waited for 20 mins with her toddlers in the car, while the boy sat playing video game. How disrespectful is that?
And then mother has audacity to blame Op. It's not right.