To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Hey @VanHam . You’re possibly new to MN. You need to start your own thread on this subject so that you can get replies dedicated to the subject you’re wanting advice on. If you post in the middle of someone else’s’ you’re likely to either be ignored or trigger a pile on !! If you go to the first page of any thread and look at the top right hand side of the OP you’ll see a ‘start new thread’ button. Click on that and it will take you to the right page, so you can give your thread a title and make sure it’s posted in the right section for the most helpful replies. PM me if you need any help.x

Stand strong! State you have five minutes to get out the house or I'm gone. If mum is cross & doesn't want to be late for work she can get him out the house. Funny how no one cares when it's your time affected but as soon as it's theirs you are the AH. Eh no!

It’s a common mistake by new posters. MN is not that easy to navigate at first. No need for your snarky reply. Most people respond to those kinds of accidental post with humour or advice. Apart from you it seems.

I often wonder what kind of massive cunt dismisses the feelings of SM and her 2 toddlers entirely and thinks that being born to family number 2 means they should be treated like second class citizens by family number 1

This!
It seems (from this thread and others) that first wives have a massive chip on their shoulder and I wonder if they realise how ridiculous they sound.
All children are equally important, being born from a first wife does not make a child more worthy.

I wouldn't hang around for my own kids, or husband, for twenty minutes in that situation. And quite frankly, five would be a one off, with a bloody strong warning to be outside, ready and waiting, next time, or I'd be driving off, and there wouldn't be a third time. Thereafter their father and mother (in your situation), could pick up the responsibility for getting their offspring where they need to be, when they need to be there, and forget about offloading it on to me. Permanently.

I don't do waitings -certainly not for a child to 'finish their game'.

So @YaMuvva is the ex right?

They are toddlers.

They won't be in bed long after you get in if you are picking them up at 5:30/6pm.

How can they think it's reasonable to waste the already short amount of time you get to spend with your own DC on a weekday evening? And for the sake of what? It makes no sense and you hold your ground. Very unfair of them to inconvenience you and your little DC so regularly and nonchalantly. Couldn't imagine leaving someone sitting outside my house for 20 mins unless something was actually happening.

Her child, her problem. His timekeeping is for his parents to deal with, not you.

Whilst I agree DSC was totally out of order and shouldn't be keeping you more than 60 secs/2 mins max, I think it's wrong to take that classic MN attitude of "it's not my kid, I'm not even looking at them, let alone doing a single thing for them coz...biology" is pretty despicable, especially when you're married and have become their StepDM. Of course you don't have to go out of your way to pick DSC up but as his Stepparent it would be the decent thing to do (NOT saying that you should be waiting anymore than 2 mins though, to be clear!!)

I've never had a Stepparent and my DC will never have a StepDM but in my personal opinion, speaking generally here and not specifically about OP's situation, they shouldn't be practically shunned, purely because they're not biologically yours.

YANBU They know what time you are roughly going to arrive allowing for traffic etc, his mum should make sure he's ready to go. .Just finishing his game & making you wait all that time is damn right disrespectful, you're doing them (his ex, SC and your DH) all a favour and this is how they treat you. I would stop doing it and let them make alternative arrangements.
So your house is not on her way to work, boo hoo ,hard luck! You tried making her life easier even though you didn't have to, if she's got no interest it making it go smoothly then that's on her. SHE will have to set out earlier and drop him off at yours then if your DH won't speak to them about it. Good luck, stand your ground OP

Agreed. The boy’s parents need to get a grip and teach him how to stop gaming when he’s told.

There is no way I would be waiting for a 12 year old to finish gaming while two preschoolers are tired and need to go home.

Which thread are you reading, because it’s clearly not this one. OP isn’t doing any of this. It appears that custody is 50/50, and she’s already doing the ‘decent thing’ and picking him up. What she’s not doing is allowing him to take the piss by leaving her waiting upwards of 20 minutes in the car because he can’t drag his arse off his game. There is nothing whatever to suggest she’s shunning him or anything else your utterly daft post is implying.

Yanbu op! You are being kind and helpful and they're throwing your generosity in your face. If I were passing I'd still pick him up- but there's be a five minute window from my text to say "I'm here " and my departure. With or without him.
Although as you are under no obligation to favours for his parents (not even his dad) if you were to pack it in that too would be reasonable imo.

Both him and his parents need to learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

You were more than reasonable.
Leave him every time he is not ready and out the door within three minutes. Set the time. Keep it the same and text confirming five minutes in advance.

You are doing his Mum and Dad a favour. They should be making sure ss is ready.

Very telling people saying they “wouldn’t even wait for their own child that long”

I am in the would’ve driven off after 5 minutes maximum camp and I agree with those saying DH hasn’t covered himself in glory on this one. I would do one strike and your out or it’s just going to escalate into more bad feeling which I’m sure you don’t want OP.

Why can’t she just get her son ready? I would be pissed off as well if he kept me waiting so he can finish playing a game.

Because, being married to him, the OP can reasonably ask him to get this situation working, if he wants her to continue to assist him with his son, whereas she has no relationship with the boy’s mother.

As an aside, what's the betting the DH has never done this pick-up including getting the toddlers from nursery and then the son, or if he has, does his son feel as comfortable messing him around like he does the OP?

That's why the dad needs to be involved.

Or maybe she doesn't want to waste even more time getting toddlers in and out of car seat because a 12 year old is too bloody inconsiderate to come out of the house in time.

My DD tried this a couple of times. She ended up having to walk to where she needed to go. Bit more considerate after that

You are not being unreasonable but many children have problems getting themselves off the xbox and it is very difficult for an adult to get them off when they are in a game and it causes a lot of friction. WW2 level friction.

The problem is they don't know if a game will be 5 minutes or 30 minutes. So they might have 10 minutes and take the chance to start a new game. (The games are so addictive they can't themselves).

If they leave the game half way through, not only are they letting down their team mates and losing points (which are important to them) but they can also get banned from the game for a certain amount of time which they really don't want because this is the main way they socialise and kids of this age live to socialise.

So you want to broker a deal: this is causing me a lot of problems because the kids go nuts in the car. If you do your homework from 5.30 and I'll try and always be there at 6.00, then if you are ready when I pick you up, you can have a game with no time pressure at home while I put the young ones to bed. If you have no xbox at your house, let him take it with him or get one.

Seems on MN being a stepmum means you have to be treated like a servant by DP/ExDP and DSC, when it suits them.

Must do all the fetching and carrying and accept DSC as one of your own, treat them exactly the same as you would a birth child but when it comes to discipline or setting rules/boundaries like you would with your own DC, don't you dare apply the same to the DSC, not your job to do that.

I can’t find the original post that the “whiny” kids comment was made in or who the poster was but seriously?

I have a 1 and 3 year old and they are usually very chilled out for toddlers but after a full day in childcare, when I pick them up at the same time as OP, they are overtired, over stimulated and hungry! I would not want to sit in a stationary car with them for any longer than I had to! I would absolutely have left after 5 mins, and even that’s generous in my opinion!

or as mother she could not allow the Xbox on or turn it off mid game if he won’t stop. Then the WW2 fall out would result in a gaming ban for a desired length of time. I really can’t comprehend kids dictating to adults.

Why is the kids game and it is just that a game not real life being made to be the end of the world and more important than respecting someone’s time.

not a great lesson to be teaching the kid. Get him an Xbox ? Sounds a great idea to spend hundreds so the problem can continue

Hoot the horn a few times!

This. No12 year old needs to be gaming on a school night.
His mother should not allow him to start a game, before being picked up by Op.

Nah, f that! One day my ss was home alone while dad nearly done at work( teen) and his grandad knocked on the door. Ss was in living room next to front door and kept yelling I'm just finishing a game for ten minutes, whilst leaving his poor grandad on the doorstep!
Well when he finally answered this did not go down well and my dh told him off later.
My sc do not live with their mum and when she visits I would always make sure they ready for her. It's about being respectful.