To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Because God forbid the ExW should be held accountable for once! That would be too much like hard work, and the OP should be doing so much more because she chose to be the SM.

I get more and more amazed with posters who seek to put everything on SMs and never on DMs. It's like the world holds us SMs to a higher standard than the women who birthed these children.

The DM knows the time of collection and chooses to ignore it! I'm glad she was late for work, maybe she won't be so ignorant in the future.

The 20 mins she allowed her DS to take from OP, was then taken from her

You reap what you sow.

You need to start your own thread, not just plonk your question onto an existing one that had absolutely no relevance to your subject!🙄

This sounds awful for you OP!

A taxi wouldn't be expected to wait 20 mins so you have the patients of a saint as far as im concerned.

I probably would have beeped on arrival. Beeped after 5 mins. Left my hand on the horn at 7 phoned him and told him if your not out in 3 mins im leaving. Then left.

Also given he's 12, I don't think his mum had to stay home with him waiting for your DH to arrive?
Surely she could've gone to work as SS is old enough to wait for his dad alone at this age?

Yeah but that wouldn't have given the DM enough to moan about the wicked SM about!

Tell dh if he would like your help facilitating ss travelling between parents he will have to be out within 2 mins of your arrival or you will just leave. If this happens more than twice you will not drive by ti pick him up at all. If exw wants ti be in time for work she needs for make sure he’s out the door!

I didn't say she should, I said I would. Yes she would be totally within her rights to not wait five minutes. I was allowing time to put shoes and coat on and say goodbye to his mum. I feel that a child having to sit waiting with shoes on ready to run out the door the moment someone shows up can make them feel unwanted, they're a person not a parcel being left for a courier to collect. Have shoes and bags ready by the door, then the moment someone arrives it's telly off and shoes on.

WOW op not a single person thinks you’re thing unreasonable

💯unanimous YANBU

Good for you OP. I'd knock the lifts on the head now. Why is your husbands duty yours? And would he sit by and wait while his kid played Xbox?

We should all do this, like you, OP.
My mother has to pick stepdad up from the pub and he'll know when she's on her way because they'll text or speak on the phone and when she gets there, he'll quickly order another pint while she waits outside using the excuse that he's just finishing up. And she fucking waits!

I once went to pick my own DH up from an extremely rare night out and he came outside the pub when I arrived but got chatting. I sat there waiting and waiting. He acknowledged me and carried on chatting. Eventually he started to walk towards the car and bumped into another pal so started up a conversation. I texted him a "WTF? Get in the car please!" Type message and he replied, "just coming".

Reader: he wasn't.

His face was a picture as he turned mid conversation to watch me drive by him and head home. Theres only one small taxi firm and he had an extremely long wait in the cold with the pubs shut for a taxi to finally be available to bring him home.

Thing is, if you go and collect again you may find they double down and leave you waiting longer. They will assume you have being suitably chastised by your dh so have learnt a lesson.
If someone thinks it's acceptable to leave you waiting in a car at the end of a long day for 20 minutes, with toddlers! while a 12 year old finishes his game, you are not dealing with well mannered people.
I would hand this back to your dh. You more than did your fair share, this isn't the first time you have been left waiting so step back without an ounce of guilt.

I would have been laying on my horn after 4minutes. Beeep beeeep beeep every twenty seconds and then driven off at 7minutes max.

YANBU for just driving off, you were far more polite and passive than I am.

Strangely there are a couple of posters who do disagree 🤔

Nope, I wouldn't have even waited five minutes. He will maybe learn that the world does not revolve around his Xbox and his parents should absolutely be on your side.

Hope the 98% vote has reassured you you are in the right.

I wouldn't have waited even 1 minute. He should be standing on the doorstep waiting for you. You can message him when on the way. I bet you would only have to drive off without him a handful of times, and his mother will have him corralled and waiting for you for ever more.

I particularly like the way some posters are referring to ‘poor kid’. Why poor ? Do they think that somehow being a step child confers permission to act like a brat ? He’s not ‘acting out’ because he’s a victim of the break up of his parents, he’s being rude and disrespectful because he doesn’t want to stop gaming, which is totally different.

Was that really necessary?! Pp might be new and still finding their way around.

Honestly I never would have done that.

but I applaud you for doing so 😂 better woman than I

@Noyesnoyes

really?! How??
on what basis?

op is soooooo not being unreasonable

I have sympathy with her trying to extract kid from games... (Iv'e got one of those too) BUT it is not your problem to solve. absolutely not being unreasonable to drive off. Your dh's toddlers are equally important. not some after thought to be inconvenienced and upset for the convenience of his first child.

I think it is reasonable. I will be there at 5 pm and leaving at 5.02 pm

It's very disrespectful. I bet if it was a friend's mum or a grandparent coming to collect him, his mum would make sure he was ready. But because it's her ex's wife, she is happy to let you sit. It's good that you have put your foot down finally. It is on them if they choose to ignore your boundaries.

ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there

Good. It should concentrate her mind a bit.

Not only were you not unreasonable in the slightest, @Oklie - you deserve respect for drawing a boundary and sticking to it! As previous posters have said, hopefully the lesson has been learned, and he will come out promptly in future.

If I were you, I might well underline it by sending a message saying that, in future, if he doesn't come out when you get there, you will not be waiting at the kerb, like a chauffeur.