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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/04/2024 11:23

Hedgerow2 · 10/04/2024 11:12

Not unreasonable at all to drive off.

But very unreasonable not to have his mum's phone number in case of an emergency. What if you couldn't get hold of dh or he and ss were in a car accident? What if something happened to dh and you needed his ex to collect their son?

What if something happened to dh and you needed his ex to collect their son?

The son could call her?

I've never needed anything other than XH's number in over 18 years.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 11:23

It's entirely possible for someone to be in the right- it's absolute outrageous for the OP to be treated like shit by her step son- and in the wrong-not to let the step son's mum know she's waiting outside- at the same time.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/04/2024 11:24

DotAndCarryOne2 · 10/04/2024 11:19

‘Horrific’ ? Really ? Get a grip. I agree that if DSS can’t be ready on time and his mum can’t be bothered to parent properly then OP should just bow out and leave it to his actual parents, but no-one is ‘blaming’ the toddlers - it’s a fact of life. They’re tired and grumpy at the end of the day. Normal. Nothing horrific about it.

Show quote history

Well someone is actually as a PP said what I was quoting. I felt strongly about it so I expressed myself strongly. The general gist is, it's not fair to say that the toddlers are being whiny and should just put up with it, they have a tiny bit of home/evening time and he's wasting it by making them sit in a car. I do feel strongly that that's unfair.

Sorry you object to my vocab, not really sure why, I could say something inflammatory like 'calm down dear' but I don't tend to be a dick about little stuff.

RosieCosy · 10/04/2024 11:26

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 11:23

It's entirely possible for someone to be in the right- it's absolute outrageous for the OP to be treated like shit by her step son- and in the wrong-not to let the step son's mum know she's waiting outside- at the same time.

Totally agree with this. There's two separate issues here.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 10/04/2024 11:27

Why is the child's mother even letting him play games when she knows he's about to go to his dad's?

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2024 11:28

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

If you don’t respect your time, they won’t, so They'll get over themselves soon enough.

IncompleteSenten · 10/04/2024 11:32

Well overdue I think.
People take the piss as long as you let them.
Now they learned you have your limits.

I bet keeping you waiting was 100% deliberate. There's no reason at all you should accept that.

funinthesun19 · 10/04/2024 11:32

20 minutes is an absolute piss take. 5 minutes is forgivable because kids can be so slow at times, but 20 minutes is beyond a joke.
His mum should have been telling him to get a move on but she didn’t (probably was enjoying OP waiting around), and now she’s got the cheek to be fuming.

I’m sorry, but if the ss and his parents have no respect for OP’s time by thinking it is ok to make her wait for 20 minutes, then I’m afraid it voids OP having to be nice and pleasant to the “first family” 🤢.

SecondRow · 10/04/2024 11:33

DH can phone the child at 5 minutes to collection time and stay on the phone with him until he is in the car.

Sendme2Greece · 10/04/2024 11:34

@Oklie If you're giving them notice that you're 10 mins away, I'd expect him to be outside on the pavement already waiting for you, or at the very least (if it's a busy road or something) that he exits the house as soon as you pull up.

Actually, if you're there at the same time every time, or arrange a set time to pick him up each week, I'd expect him to be waiting at the door for you dead on that time as most people would let someone know if they're running late (as I'm sure you would), and so without that message he should be ready to leave immediately as you pull up.

Going forward, I would not wait more for than a minute if this is the case. YANBU to have driven off.
In fact, I think you've been too accommodating by waiting for him past a few minutes grace, and you're rightly fed up of it now.
I'd try once more, but if they ever keep you waiting again, that would be me done. They'd have to make other arrangements from then on.

If your dh continues to tell you YABU, I'd tell him to count me out and make other arrangements as that would also be me done.

Molonty · 10/04/2024 11:34

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 11:23

It's entirely possible for someone to be in the right- it's absolute outrageous for the OP to be treated like shit by her step son- and in the wrong-not to let the step son's mum know she's waiting outside- at the same time.

So she's clueless about what time her child is being picked up. And brainless too, because she doesn't have the number of the person transporting her child. She's 100% wrong here, all of it.

InterIgnis · 10/04/2024 11:34

The kid and his mother both know what time he needs to be ready and out the door for. They know they’ve repeatedly had her sat there waiting, despite both being repeatedly asked to make sure he’s ready on time.

OP doesn’t need to make the mother aware of something she’s already aware of.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 10/04/2024 11:36

However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

You're not being unreasonable. You've made it clear where your boundaries are and how you are willing to be treated.

From his procrastinating behaviour, I would guess the kid doesn't want to come.

DahliaMacNamara · 10/04/2024 11:37

Fuck me, I'm not sure I'd have put up with waiting 20 minutes for my own 12-year-old child while they were pissing about on a game, even without the added stress of tired toddlers strapped into a car. If you can't be ready, you can either make your own way or find some other mug.

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 10/04/2024 11:39

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 11:23

It's entirely possible for someone to be in the right- it's absolute outrageous for the OP to be treated like shit by her step son- and in the wrong-not to let the step son's mum know she's waiting outside- at the same time.

Why should OP be doing any more than she already has been? Who is to say ExW and SS won't 'not see' a message that OP is outside, and then she is still sat waiting?

OP has already said DH let's ExW know what time OP will be there for. ExW should be ensuring SS is stood by the door ready and waiting at that time.

And I'm sure ExW wouldn't be too put out looking out of a window. I assume she has some...

TeeBee · 10/04/2024 11:39

To be fair, I'd do that with my own kids. Disrespectful.

pam290358 · 10/04/2024 11:39

Whatifthehokeycokey · 10/04/2024 11:36

However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

You're not being unreasonable. You've made it clear where your boundaries are and how you are willing to be treated.

From his procrastinating behaviour, I would guess the kid doesn't want to come.

From what the OP has said, I don’t think it’s a case of him not wanting to come. It’s more about not wanting to stop gaming.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 10/04/2024 11:41

Also, you're doing this lad a favour in the long run. Learning not to keep people waiting will be good for his future life prospects, both personal and professional.

EG94 · 10/04/2024 11:41

classic case of my time is more valuable than yours and I really really dislike people with this attitude. You did the right thing and going forward if not outside waiting I’d drive past.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/04/2024 11:41

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 10/04/2024 11:39

Why should OP be doing any more than she already has been? Who is to say ExW and SS won't 'not see' a message that OP is outside, and then she is still sat waiting?

OP has already said DH let's ExW know what time OP will be there for. ExW should be ensuring SS is stood by the door ready and waiting at that time.

And I'm sure ExW wouldn't be too put out looking out of a window. I assume she has some...

Show quote history

And from what OP says, ExW relies on these pick ups to get to work on time herself, so I’m at a loss to know why she doesn’t do a bit of parenting and ensure he’s ready on time.

Missamyp · 10/04/2024 11:42

I think when he knows he's going to his dads gaming isn't a great idea.
They're so addictive, normally they're mid-mission or playing a team they don't consider the time.
I still think the DH should pick his son up.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2024 11:43

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 11:23

It's entirely possible for someone to be in the right- it's absolute outrageous for the OP to be treated like shit by her step son- and in the wrong-not to let the step son's mum know she's waiting outside- at the same time.

You make it sound as if the stepson's mum has no way of knowing OP could be waiting outside - except, as OP posted (Today 11:02) -

"... my husband tells her every time that I'll be leaving work at X time and will be picking SS up at X time. So she needs to make sure he's ready for that time regardless as to whether I knock on her door to let her know or not. She knows what time I'll be there."

So, 20 minutes after the time her ex has told her OP will be there - she doesn't "know" OP is waiting outside? She doesn't so much as glance out the window? Wonder what's keeping her? Just sits schtum while her son plays on his console?

I don't find that plausible.

Alondra · 10/04/2024 11:44

Not unreasonable at all. You've been more than accommodating - you've kept doing this for a long time. Kept giving him reminders he was going to be picked up. Reminding him again you are 10 mins away, and then reminding him again you are waiting in the car while he's playing with the XBox.

He needs to learn he can't take you for granted. Same as your DH and his ex -they are both more interested in having no complications in their lives than thinking about you with little ones waiting 10, 15 or 20 minutes in the car hungry, tired and having meltdowns.

A few other posters have said to give him a 5 minute deadline and I agree. If he's not waiting for you, you send him a text "I will leave in 5 minutes". And you do it. Your DH can complain about you being wrong all he wants, but he and his ex are your SC parents. It's their responsibility to drive/collect their child from one household to the other.

Keep firm.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/04/2024 11:44

SecondRow · 10/04/2024 11:33

DH can phone the child at 5 minutes to collection time and stay on the phone with him until he is in the car.

Why should he, if the childs’ own mother is there with him, and clearly relying on him being collected so she can get to work herself ?

VanHam · 10/04/2024 11:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request