To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Why? You limit your sympathy to your own kid, so what’s the problem OP limiting her sympathy to hers?

The poor burdened 12 year old wanted to play games knowing full well his stepmother was waiting in the car for him, so she quite reasonably left his actual parents to sort him out.

Given she hasn’t even got his mum’s number and the pick up arrangements go solely through a child I actually think this is a good idea.

Nope, totally the same opinion. Would also be totally the same opinion if this was a stepfather being made to wait.

Sympathy? He’s a 12 year old gamer who needs to learn that he has to manage his time gaming. What is needed here is arse kicking. It isn’t easy as the games are designed to keep them on, but at 12 he is old enough to learn. I switch games off for meal times, music teacher, when we need to go out as a family. I give fair warning but off it goes if I’m ignored.

Completely reasonable. She's doing it to wind you up and it needs to stop. Let them sort out the care of their child, you are not a taxi service. Its a completely reasonable thing for you to do, but only if its recognised and respected. If its not, and its being used to cause you hassle then stop. Your DH needs to deal with this.

200+ posts and you quote the OP, just to give a piece of advice that is in the OP 🙄
I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive.

Because her SS is ‘hers’ by extension. HTH

he’s 12, bearing the brunt of his parents personal shit and he clearly needs more than an “I’m here now” text to help him along, and everyone is refusing. Poor fucking kid. No wonder he’d rather sit playing games than dealing with this crap

Nope, OP has no parental responsibility for him whatsoever.

She was doing them all a favour and he took the piss. That’s fine, his parents can sort him out in future, given they’re the ones actually responsible for him.

Yes he needs to manage his time gaming, definitely but children still need help with that and to expect him to behave IME someone much older with literally zero help or assistance is bonkers.

If the OP’s DH at the very least could grow up and have an adult conversation with the woman he bore a child with about “right let’s get this issue sorted as it’s impacting both of us now and in both or interests to sort” it would help matters loads. But no heaven forbid 2 adults speak to each other when they could put the onus on an actual child instead.

No way would I have waited 20 minutes!

His parents are taking the piss treating you like a free taxi. Its clearly rubbed off on him as he is also totally disrespectful of you.

I normally advocate for step children, as they didn't ask to be in a blended family situation, however, on this occasion you absolutely did the right thing.

It sounds like it every time for no particular reason other than being rude. So well done. Rinse and repeat every time over 5 minutes pass. They'll soon all get the message and straighten up.

In my rush to vote I accidentally voted YABU, I absolutely do not mean that. I think you have been more than reasonable, I would have packed it all in much earlier.

His mum and he have treated you with zero respect and have taken your patience for granted. Well done to you for setting some boundaries.

It’s her stepson. Of course she has a responsibility to him FFS

To a child, a step parent picking them up as part of a custody arrangement is not doing a favour, they’re varying out their responsibilities.

I feel fucking terrible for SC who are seen as so low by people (not talking about OP but you)

That’s fine, his parents can sort him out in future, given they’re the ones actually responsible for him.

But they aren’t sorting him out. They can’t even communicate through his mum. It’s all through him - that’s a huge responsibility and OP and her DH and his ExW expect perfection from this child when it comes to arrangements

She needs to call the mum not a 12 year old boy. They need to be adults even if they 'don't get on' and exchange numbers even if they only use it for this purpose.

Yes, what any 12 year old kid who games needs is a parent who will turn the game off after a warning. This is not primarily an issue about whether he’s a step kid or not - it’s how some people parent over gaming. For whatever reason the mum isn’t willing to teach him some basic respect and manners. You should not allow your DC to keep gaming when they’re keeping people waiting. They do heed a warning - timescale given beforehand etc. But then parents need to step up and turn it off. Mine both learned that I would do it every time they ignored us.

To a child, a step parent picking them up as part of a custody arrangement is not doing a favour, they’re varying out their responsibilities.

Oh, you mean that custody arrangement that the child's parents agreed before the stepmum even came on the scene? So unwittingly she inherits whatever agreement has already been made and has to suck it up because that's all part of the deal? Don't talk shit.

No, she really doesn’t. You’re of course free to think she does all you like, but it won’t change the actual facts of the matter. The kid has two parents, neither of which are OP.

She was doing them a favour in agreeing to pick him up. Recognising that isn’t considering stepchildren to be ‘low’.

“But they aren’t sorting him out. They can’t even communicate through his mum. It’s all through him - that’s a huge responsibility and OP and her DH and his ExW expect perfection from this child when it comes to arrangements”

That would be their problem then. Not OP’s.

No they don’t. Op doesn’t need to get involved at all.

Absolutely WRONGLY, he's taking too long; so the logical answer would be to teach him that his choice (to continue playing on his console when his siblings and stepmum are waiting outside for him) has CONSEQUENCES.

Knocking on the door (nope!) at best would get him to start moving now after his 20-minute show of disrespect, but would do nothing for the next time ... and the next ... and the next .... whereas refusing to put up with any more manufactured delay TODAY will focus the minds of the parents that they are responsible, and that it is time to shoulder their responsibilities.

Your suggestion that OP should get two very grumpy toddlers out of their car seats, knock on the door (would either stepson or his mother actually deign to come to the door?), wait again for stepson to get shoes on etc., wrestle the toddlers back into their seats (there's no way grumpy toddlers are getting back into that car without a fight!) - well, I very much doubt you've ever had two toddlers, to see that as a viable response.

How is that relevant? She came on the scene and presumably knew her DH had a SC and chose to inherent an agreement?

If the OP’s DH doesn’t even has his ex’s number and all the arrangements are made through the child, how did he do pick up when the child was very young? Did this 12yo have a phone as a toddler?

Of course she does it’s her SS not some random kid!

And again - no, no she does not.

@YaMuvva well I expect she chose to marry her DH and I suspect her vows didn't say 'and I shall run around after your kids whenever you see fit even if they can't be arsed being ready on time because they're too busy playing Mario Kart'