To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

Probably because his mum also thinks this - if everyone in the family thinks he won't do much, he's not going to have the confidence to achieve anything.

At such a young age you have so much time, you could literally achieve anything, become a millionaire. When time is on your side you have so much opportunity. It's a shame when young people lack confidence and don't realise this

The world keeps spinning indeed.

I don’t feel you’re depressed OP. You’re just a bit ground down atm with everything going on. I remember years ago having my dcs, who are now adults. Life seemed easier, kinder and ‘normal’. I just looked forward to what the future might hold for them. My daughter is expecting my first grandchild this year. I’m absolutely thrilled to bits. I really am. But there’s also a bit of sadness, because I’m so disillusioned with the world we live in currently. Everything is just so doom and gloom and the future so uncertain. I honestly think that my younger self, if around now, would think very carefully about bringing kids into the world.

Well said. Robbing children of hopes and dreams is so cruel and some adults seem to relish in negativity.

It’s normal to have ups and downs but you just sound depressed OP, I would definitely speak to your GP.

You do sound depressed, OP.

You presumably live in the UK? You and your children are living life on easy mode. You're not at war, you're not facing famine or displacement.

No, thank you but I don’t feel that I do. I’m sensitive to what’s going on in the world, how the world has always been and as a result think life is shit. That’s it really. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever enjoy myself or have deep seated depression. I find replies like yours have an air of superiority about them that doesn’t sit well with me, but you’re entitled to your opinion.

If you think that way then you DO have deep seated depression. It isn't normal to think that 'life is shit' day in, day out, unless you are depressed. I find posters who try to talk the OP and others out of seeking help because they want to convince others of the reality of their worldview to be really toxic, if I'm honest. It is crab in a bucket behaviour.

Precisely.

I absolutely agree with this.

If I'm honest, I think blithe cheer is a mark of stupidity solipsism or at least an inability to look up and see what's going on in the world.

I grew up in an industrial town in the eighties that was dying. Unemployment was sky high and all I kept hearing was that many of us teenagers would never work. It was all bollocks. Things change. Seventeen is still very young and life will change.

My own personal philosophy is that life is shit. There is always war, famine, people doing unspeakable things to each other.
But life is at the same time wonderful and joyous. Amazing natural sights, people who make us laugh, kindness from strangers, moments of sheer joy.
The secret is to try and maximise the joy amongst the shit.

Oh well. Enjoy your misery with a side of judgement of others for our solipsism. I'm sure you will be richly rewarded (with more misery, because that tends to feed on itself) The rest of us stupid sheep will continue to make the best of things and look on the cheerful side. Good job we're too dumb to know how awful the world really is, unless of course we follow the enlightened example of WinterDeWinter and @ASongOfRiceAndPeas .

I do think it's important to enjoy smaller stuff and try not to compare your life to others. I agree that most aspects of public services are sh*t right now - education, social care, justice, councils not to mention NHS but I don't think people are generally more unhappy and there's plenty of content from simple stuff like a good movie, settling with a book, having some fun with the kids and creating some nice memories. Having some dreams for the future...even if they're unrealistic it's an escape. Do you like anything creative? Bit of art or writing? Nice friends to have a natter with? Find happiness from within. If you fancy a good read that also enriches, read The Alchemist about a boy who pursues happiness by going in search of a treasure he dreamed of. It has some deep messages!

In a large survey in Britain only 25% of people said they were happy. So most people are not happy, but you can still find fun and enjoyment.

I agree OP, most of life has been a struggle and the enjoyment is about 20%. Suffering is the main human condition. My dog is my reason to keep going, her happiness is inspiring.

It’s really silly to diagnose depression from a handful of sentences.

Well, with a parent like you, yes, I’d wish death upon myself too.

Squashedbyarock · 09/04/2024 08:21

Try reading the Book of Job.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, life is not perfect indeed, and most of the times it's difficult, but not as bad as you see it now.

Please take care of yourself, I really hope you can see things differently soon.

Don't be ashamed to seek for help, we all felt that way at some point, and try to dedicate a bit more time to yourself and to do things you like.

Lots of love

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

No you're not U for this-I applaud you for actually thinking about this and looking at the possible perspective your kids might have, not many people do. How often do parents consider if their kids even wanted life, it's always about what the parents want. It's several decades of life, that's a long time-the fact my mother just says "you don't think about that when you have kids" is a bit of a kick in the teeth. But then she's never been a deep thinker...she knows my views on life NOW that's for damn sure. But saying "I wish I'd never been born" is still a great taboo, get the men in white coats for that kind of talk...how dare you have a view on your own life and all the hardships you've had to face, you should just be grateful.

Most people just don't think about these things, it would stop them doing what they want to do (have kids) if they did. The fact you've actually took the time to think about it (albeit the kids are already here), I very much admire. We can't have open honest conversations like this much because everyone wants to shut it down with "depression", it's because it's too uncomfortable for THEM to think about. Same reason antinatalism is thought of so negatively even though it's a very valid philosophy. We should be able to freely discuss the inherent suffering of life without being called depressed.

You do sound depressed.

I was thinking the other day that I don’t think that life right now is genuinely as terrible as it seems. We’re just seeing more of the evil in the world via social media, but it’s always been there. Nothing has changed on that front. As for the state of country, yes, it does seem like we’ve taken a backwards step, but perhaps it’s just a natural decline in the ebb and flow of life?

To be honest over the last number of years we are being absolutely bombarded with negative news whether it war climate change cost of living etc . If we sat down and really thought about it we wouldn’t get out of bed .
my dear it does sound your world view is negative yet you may argue your a realist . Here’s my 2 pence worth
go see your GP and really discuss how you are feeling this is key
Get ur vit D level checked
start a mindfulness course

look for small things to do with your children to bring joy
Wrap yourselves is a happy bubble and don’t let the world consume your world
life can be hard and yes a grind we all know that yet loads and loads of people are happy it’s not because they are naive but the have done a work around to find their personal
happiness . I think you just have to find your work around . Best of luck my dear and remember you are amazing

i 100% agree having a dog by your side is a blessing I couldn’t be without mine …

A friend of ours has a son at home in his late 20s. He has a good job and pays his parents rent( which we all know is a fraction of living alone costs). H e saves a lot of his income and the plan is to buy a flat and rent it out whilst living at home for a few more years. Parents are happy with this.
Maybe this would work for your son and he will feel he has some autonomy over his life.
Not everyone is lucky enough to stay at home and do this so he will be fortunate and he needs to recognise that. I had to leave home at 17 yrs old and it was a very bad start to adulthood.