Page 7 | To wish I’d never had children?

Squashedbyarock · 2024-04-09T07:21:42+00:00

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy. Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok. My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea. It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now. Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content. And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok. Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

Borntrippy · 09/04/2024 19:59

onlywomengetperiods · 09/04/2024 19:36

To all those telling her she needs to get help from her GP,: we all know there is little to no help available on the NHS, this is useless advice.

Completely agree. I'm so sick of everyone pretending like life isn't absolutely miserable. There's nothing you can really do.

What helps me is sitting back, watching the shitshow and knowing one day it will finally end naturally.

This is beautiful. I’m also the survivor of a traumatic, abusive childhood and I love life now and never take it for granted, despite the inevitable suffering we all must face. I think it’s usually those who have had real setbacks and difficulties early in life that are usually the most resilient and able to appreciate the good in life as adults. When I say there is a spiritual crisis in contemporary society I don’t necessarily mean in a religious sense. It’s a general lack of the stoicism that the British used to be so famous for. The understanding that life is suffering, but we don’t give in to despair, we endure and ultimately we thrive and enjoy the beauty and joy that exists alongside the bad.

Josette77 · 09/04/2024 20:09

Borntrippy · 09/04/2024 19:59

This is beautiful. I’m also the survivor of a traumatic, abusive childhood and I love life now and never take it for granted, despite the inevitable suffering we all must face. I think it’s usually those who have had real setbacks and difficulties early in life that are usually the most resilient and able to appreciate the good in life as adults. When I say there is a spiritual crisis in contemporary society I don’t necessarily mean in a religious sense. It’s a general lack of the stoicism that the British used to be so famous for. The understanding that life is suffering, but we don’t give in to despair, we endure and ultimately we thrive and enjoy the beauty and joy that exists alongside the bad.

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I love what you've written so much. 💘

I think suffering can teach us a great deal. I don't know who I would be without it.

I tend to ferociously love people. I want the people in my life to know how loved and appreciated they are.

Maybe I wouldn't be that way without the trauma? Maybe the things that I'm so passionate about would be a little less vibrant?

Either way I like who I am and I like how I love, so I'm grateful this is where I ended up. xx

asbigasablueberry · 09/04/2024 20:21

How sad that you feel this way.

Possibly not depression as so many others say, you just sound very disillusioned.

Taking the little joys from life, however small has helped me massively over the years. I read somewhere that you cannot feel sad when you are feeling grateful. Getting into the habit of thinking of everything you are grateful for.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/04/2024 07:37

@IMustDoMoreExercise

I am the same age as you and we had it easy compared to parents of young children nowadays so I don't think you can compare your life with the OP's.”

With respect, you don’t know about challenges that I/my family have overcome (are dealing with).
I chose to be positive.

SkyBloo · 10/04/2024 07:39

My circle of friends and acquaintances are generally happy. I don’t think your experience is the norm

This is true for me too. Ive had periods where things have got my down but they've had clear causes (a miscarriage, a bad job i needed to leave) and haven't left me feeling awful for that long. I love my life.

SkyBloo · 10/04/2024 07:41

When I say there is a spiritual crisis in contemporary society I don’t necessarily mean in a religious sense. It’s a general lack of the stoicism that the British used to be so famous for. The understanding that life is suffering, but we don’t give in to despair, we endure and ultimately we thrive and enjoy the beauty and joy that exists alongside the bad.

Well put. I had bloody awful day at work yesterday but I've woken up this morning, my garden is green & growing & ive got some yummy food in the fridge for dinner, im ready to tackle the day!

Crystallizedring · 10/04/2024 07:53

iloveshetlandponies · 09/04/2024 09:03

@Jf20

I said this to him. And said if you work hard you can achieve it
But let's face it the odds are stacked against them unlike those of us in previous generations

And we're an ordinary family not rich and can't help them with deposits etc

Why is buying this own house so important to him? Especially at 17.
In lots of other countries France and Germany, possibly Italy too it's quite rare to own a house (according to the people I know) and most people rent.
And as for retiring, he's got years and years to build a decent pension.
I don't mean this nastily but is it possible he's picked up a negative attitude from you??

RazzberryGem · 10/04/2024 08:00

I feel you OP.
I think it's absolutely possible to love your children but not love parenting itself.

I used to be so social and fun, work hard all week then go out with my friends at the weekend. We'd go drinking, out for meals, cinema, gigs etc.
Then at 25 I found myself single and pregnant. I've been a single mum for 6 years now, no longer close with my (childless) friends who still go out every weekend, go on holidays or who are married to their work / video games. I haven't really made any friends yet as a parent and life is so very lonely for me and my DD.

She has a nice life, she's a happy little thing. She goes to all sorts of after school clubs and gets nice days out, she always has plenty of toys and books and things ... but at what cost to me? My whole identity is now just... a mother. I get no break whatsoever, its relentless. I have no hobbies, I can't exercise, I have no social life. It's very upsetting and unbelievably draining.

About once a year, I go to the doctors for a blood test to check whether there's a medical reason I'm so tired and demotivated. According to my latest one last month, no. Medically my levels are still all okay, I'm just sad and lonely...!

MaryBeardsShoes · 10/04/2024 08:10

I agree with you OP, but I’ve always known life was shite and that’s one of the many reasons I chose not to have kids.

But maybe your kids will be lucky and live a charmed life. Life isn’t a struggle for plenty of people. Maybe you and I are just two of the unlucky ones. I try to find the slivers of good in the everyday. (It’s tiring).

Desecratedcoconut · 10/04/2024 08:40

Borntrippy · 09/04/2024 19:59

This is beautiful. I’m also the survivor of a traumatic, abusive childhood and I love life now and never take it for granted, despite the inevitable suffering we all must face. I think it’s usually those who have had real setbacks and difficulties early in life that are usually the most resilient and able to appreciate the good in life as adults. When I say there is a spiritual crisis in contemporary society I don’t necessarily mean in a religious sense. It’s a general lack of the stoicism that the British used to be so famous for. The understanding that life is suffering, but we don’t give in to despair, we endure and ultimately we thrive and enjoy the beauty and joy that exists alongside the bad.

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Ah, okay, then I absolutely agree, then. I had thought you meant that people were being driven to despair by malign forces - you never know who you are talking to on MN 😁

I can see how making a stoic outlook a national virtue would have made it more difficult for those who struggle with poor mental health to seek help but I think we threw the baby out with the bathwater when that was culturally reimagined that being stoic is bad for your mental health - when, I suspect, it is quite the opposite.

imforeverblowingbuttons · 10/04/2024 08:51

Squashedbyarock · 09/04/2024 08:27

I don’t think it’s depression - I think it’s realism.
Look at the recent thread where everyone had something (generally awful) that was making their lives deeply unhappy.
life is a cycle of worry and loss.

I was generally a happy person (despite losses difficult times etc) I always saw the flip side. After I had my third child(not immediately maybe a year after) I struggled to see the joy. I was unhappy, those around me seemed unhappy. There was no joy.

I got some help in the end. I had CBT to challenge my negative thoughts, hypnotherapy to calm my anxious monkey brain. I took up yoga and meditation. I learnt to see the joy.

I still have the same life , same kids, husband, family and friends, But now I am content, I look at my life and I see the good and the bad but I don't let the bad distinguish the good ( all the time, of course it happens occasionally I'm only human) I enjoy and focus on the good times. This is the exact same life I had when I couldn't see the good times. It was like I was blinkered to them.

People often question the key to happiness it's gratitude. If you are grateful for what you have you are happy.

I'd really recommend focusing on getting to a better place.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 10/04/2024 09:15

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/04/2024 07:37

@IMustDoMoreExercise

I am the same age as you and we had it easy compared to parents of young children nowadays so I don't think you can compare your life with the OP's.”

With respect, you don’t know about challenges that I/my family have overcome (are dealing with).
I chose to be positive.

No, I don't but they are personal to you. The OP is talking in general. Most of our generation knew that if they worked hard they could buy a property. That is not the case now. The OP's generation and her children's generation are likely to be renting for the rest of their life.

Borntrippy · 10/04/2024 13:14

While it may seem less than ideal to rent rather than own I myself am still renting in my early 40s despite being able to afford to buy. I will eventually purchase a property but not owning a house has in no way impacted on my happiness or sense of well being negatively. I just prioritised other aspects of life over home ownership for example the ability to move to different cities and even countries and the preference of avoiding large debts such as mortgages. 100 years ago most couldn’t afford to buy a property and many lived in rooms in lodging houses or rented properties their whole lives.

People adapt to the circumstances of the world in which they live and still find happiness because happiness has little to do with material possessions but is more connected to the relationships and connections we make with others as well as an understanding of who we are and what our role in the world is. Often we reach this understanding through service to others. Motherhood is one such example of service, perhaps the most rewarding. And the fact that the OP has children who are as she describes cheerful, should give her a great sense of satisfaction with what she has already achieved in life.

Borntrippy · 10/04/2024 13:22

MaryBeardsShoes · 10/04/2024 08:10

I agree with you OP, but I’ve always known life was shite and that’s one of the many reasons I chose not to have kids.

But maybe your kids will be lucky and live a charmed life. Life isn’t a struggle for plenty of people. Maybe you and I are just two of the unlucky ones. I try to find the slivers of good in the everyday. (It’s tiring).

So many on here are saying “life is shit” as though this is a universal when in reality it’s very much subjective. YOUR life may appear to you as being shit but many people, who have faced difficulties and challenges that are inevitable, love and enjoy THEIR lives. It’s not just luck however and is very much a mindset issue. Unless you are facing absolute poverty (starving and homeless), untreatable physical pain or severe mental illness, there is nothing preventing you from finding happiness, but of course you must actively seek it out.

curiositykilledthiscat · 10/04/2024 13:39

People are allowed to say life is shit, because, in general, it is.

It is horribly expensive to live, we all know that. Then there’s a NHS, which is shot to shit, climate change, the threats from China, Russia and North Korea, the knowledge our freedoms could be taken away from us at any time, A.I, and this generation and future ones being, in general, very unlikely to buy their own homes.

What sane person would willingly bring kids into this fucked up world?

Desecratedcoconut · 10/04/2024 14:16

If life were inherently shit, it would be universally experienced as shit. And yet, it is not.

How do people who think that life is shit account for the fact that many people are happy, optimistic and hopeful about their lives and that of their children's lives too?

JovialNickname · 10/04/2024 14:28

NCprivatelife · 09/04/2024 09:23

Ah OP I feel your pain and sadness. Life is hard and the relentless downward spiral the world seems to be taking right now is frightening. I worry for my kids too. And sometimes it seems beyond hard and futile just to keep trucking on.

But it is worth trying to see the good; we are all here; we're alive! And, and I genuinely mean this as something positive, it is always possible to die. This is true for you and for your kids - there is always an exit door and we can walk through it any time we like really. So why not wait and see? Wait for the weather to turn, to step out of the door and smell the sap rising in the trees and the sun warming the paving slabs and feel the life inside you answering that? To talk with that friend who always makes you feel so seen and understood, who always leaves you laughing no matter how serious the things that you've both shared? To share a joke with your kids that randomly escalates until you're all crying with laughter and can't stop? To start reading a book which totally sucks you in and takes your thoughts in a direction that they've never gone before? To see your kids fall in love and get married, or achieve something they're proud of? To hold your grandchild? If and when the darkness closes in again, the exit door is still there waiting. But if you wait there will be moments worth experiencing.

So much for the sales pitch. You don't mention being suicidal really, just darkly cynical about life and your former 'naivety' for thinking it was worthwhile. So can I ask - what used to give you pleasure? What makes you unhappy now? What do you fear for your children's futures that you wish you could spare them? Can any of this information be used to form a plan that can improve the outlook, or even just your day to day quality of life?

Also, and I hate to be so tedious, but we are machines of flesh and blood and chemicals, and our brains and our feelings are only functions of these things: so are you getting enough sleep, enough exercise, enough water, eating well, getting hugs? Feeling miserable and hopeless can make all these things harder to do (not to mention small kids can make sleep next to impossible to get), but ironically, if you can do them, you can't help but feel better, and if you can't you absolutely will feel worse - it's just the machine doing what it does. I mean even if your perspective on the world now is 100% right and realistic - and who am I to say it isn't? - do you want to just FEEL better, day to day, even if it's just a trick? Do you want to inculcate your kids with healthy habits that will make them better able to endure what life throws at them? Sleep, fluids, sunshine, nutritious food and oxytocin - these are the hacks that can make you feel happier even if there is genuinely nothing to be happy about.

Philosophically, it's a valid position that life is suffering, and you're not wrong necessarily about that. But practically, if you plan to go on, you might as well make it as pleasant as possible for yourself.

Thank you for this @NCprivatelife , I am going to save this great post and read it when times get hard.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 10/04/2024 14:37

How do people who think that life is shit account for the fact that many people are happy, optimistic and hopeful about their lives and that of their children's lives too?

My view is that we've set up a system of global living (or at least UK living) that's indisputably shit for the vast majority. That doesn't mean that every person is exposed to how shit it is. Some are extremely fortunate and cushioned from it. Others are oblivious to how bad things are and content in their own little bubbles. Others experience the shitness but are more resilient and can find their own happiness within it.

I can't deny that I look at people who are happily having babies despite climate change and think they're completely bananas, but hey, they're way happier than I am.

ButterflyKu · 10/04/2024 14:41

I personally don’t think you sound depressed. This is just how life is. Pretty shit most of the time for various different reasons

MsLuxLisbon · 10/04/2024 15:04

fitzwilliamdarcy · 10/04/2024 14:37

How do people who think that life is shit account for the fact that many people are happy, optimistic and hopeful about their lives and that of their children's lives too?

My view is that we've set up a system of global living (or at least UK living) that's indisputably shit for the vast majority. That doesn't mean that every person is exposed to how shit it is. Some are extremely fortunate and cushioned from it. Others are oblivious to how bad things are and content in their own little bubbles. Others experience the shitness but are more resilient and can find their own happiness within it.

I can't deny that I look at people who are happily having babies despite climate change and think they're completely bananas, but hey, they're way happier than I am.

Climate change is vastly exaggerated.

iloveshetlandponies · 10/04/2024 16:01

@Crystallizedring

Because even at 17 he realises how difficult it is and also how important it is. A few months ago him and his friend were looking on right move at how much it would be to rent a house and he was absolutely horrified .

Hopefully I've not done anything to make him worry 🥺

TickyTacky · 10/04/2024 17:36

I pressed yanbu & then read the comments... I am depressed, I'm on antidepressants to help with that, but it does affect my outlook. As others have said, I would see your GP 🤗

AHG123 · 10/04/2024 17:52

possible to make your little part of the world happy.

whittingtonmum · 10/04/2024 17:56

Being a mum is hard work no doubt about that. It's a grind - totally true but in all this mess most of us find moments of joy which transcends the exhaustion of it all. Especially when you're looking at your children thinking 'you have no idea.' THAT is the massive big alarm bell right there. As others suggest please acknowledge this isn't how most parents feel despite the daily grind and seek help. Talk to your GP or if you can afford it a private psychologist in the first instance.

jasminocereusbritannicus · 10/04/2024 18:04

Life does have its shit moments, but even though I have had a few ‘episodes’, generally speaking,life is good. I certainly don’t wish my children were never born, or myself!
I think there are far too many misery -mongers in the press/media/tv; and politicians are the worst for telling people how they should be feeling about any given subject. I think that if you let it, it can be anxiety-inducing.
we all need to learn to be happy with what we have…..but if you can’t be happy - do something about it!