Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

[springyellowrose]

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

What would you have said if the illegal childcarer was a proper childminder and not a friend?

Yep, uninsured, no training probably no first aid

Doubt it many illegals around me charge more

I'm struggling to see what the other side of the narrative is here. What has the "childminder" said to everyone to make them all block you from social media and delete you from the chat? "Springyellowrose" has been spreading lies about me/ shit stirring?

I would definitely be asking why I'd been kicked out and what people were saying.

Let's hope the child isn't injured or become ill in her care then.
A child has to the age of 21 to sue for any injury or harm so if she trips and is scared, falls from a swing etc or is admitted to hospital social services can become involved who would deny their child compensation for a life changing injury by lying for the illegal childcarer if something happened?

So lying and ostracising someone isn’t wrong? The OP did nothing wrong.

I think you're getting a hard time here. You haven't involved yourself or gossiped. You've just said something in passing which is completely normal and it's been blown into god knows what! All seems crazy to me but not your actions. I hope your friendship with Janet remains.

If I had any concerns about the care provided (which the OP did not) I would have told my friend immediately (which the OP did not).

In terms of some trivial comment about when the child was given a dummy, I would not say anything to undermine my friend's confidence in her childminder, or cause conflict between them to no good end whatsoever.

Yes, that would be my response. Obviously, concerns about a small child’s care being inadequate would override all else, including being ostracised by a group, but nothing indicates that the OP was concerned about the childminder’s care of the child.

All that ‘I couldn’t hide my expression’ stuff just sounds like self-justification from someone who couldn’t help interfering on a triviality that has blown up in her face. It’s a cautionary tale on not intervening unnecessarily on a trivial issue because they can’t not ‘have their say’.

It is so funny - the posters that are adamant I displayed a dramatic face on purpose…

Do you never move your eyes / eyebrows when you hear something confusing?

Or are you just used to not show emotions?

Or maybe you are not very apt at reading body language / facial expressions so you think you are immune?

Ah, is it botox maybe?

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

Very different than ‘I couldn’t hide my expression’ - these are your words not mine.

If you think a childcarer liying for a mother is trivial than it is your opinion.
I think it is a huge red flag - and this one especifically - so unnecessary.

Don't worry about it OP, I have no poker face either. Every single thought in my brain may as well be emblazoned in red letters on my forehead

I can totally picture myself in the same scenario. I'd have tried to keep schtum but my eyebrows would have automatically shot up when I heard the lie no botox here

There's no such thing as an "illegal childminder" shes doing mum a favour by babysitting and people refer to her as a childminder. Nothing untoward

Urgh. Some of the responses here! Ridiculous. You were honest but as you’ve discovered, people do shoot the messenger. I still believe you did the right thing and the bonus is you’ve discovered that these supposed “friends” are anything but. Good riddance to them.

Been there but they're not your friends if they do this so easily without speaking to you. Just move on.

An illegal childminder is someone caring for an under 8 for more than 2 hours from their home for financial reward .....and there definitely is such a thing.
That person will have no insurance for injury the child sustains or causes, will invalidate their own house insurance and car insurance if they use it, (will be operating as an illegal taxi too), the adults in the property will not have been adequately vetted...even if they have a work based DBs...they won't have any training on working from home with children....even teachers transferring have to attend different courses....they may well not have any first aid training.
If you look at child accident statistics you will see how likely a child is to have an accident and if that is life changing the childs family will have to sue the carer who may then lose their home they also risk being sued themselves as the child becomes an adult.

You've done nothing wrong. I'm glad you're still friends with Janet. The other mums are being petty. That must be upsetting to you.

If you lie about little things you lie about big things.I know it's hard to find childcare but no way could I be comfortable with this.

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t report this. As @jannier (and others!) have correctly stated there are so many more concerns about them being unregistered than lying about a dummy. They will not be insured if something goes wrong, probably don’t have first aid training, might have a terrible criminal history (or somebody they live with), might be a safeguarding risk to children, they are not regulated so nobody is monitoring them… the list is endless!

@Chocyaddict
The childminder is open about not being registered - everyone knows. Janet knows.
It is not a secret.

Sure it is on the parents to make their own choices?

There are other registered childminders in the neighbourhood, who also know and hang out with the group sometimes.
They can report if they want.

It's not that deep. No need for you to stick your beak in.

You are absolutely right! It's the parents choice and risk to take, let them deal with any fall out.

The real childminders are in breach of duty themselves. The whistleblowing requirements have recently been updated

This sounds an extreme and slightly nasty reaction by them. I'm not sure why it was a big deal at all although I suppose the issue is you essentially called her out for lying.

All the PPs asking why you couldn't have just not said anything, I think are harsh as I can imagine saying what you did but then I am autistic and things are black and white for me. Why couldn't Janet have left it, if it wasn't a big deal?

The law is quite clear about this (assuming they're in the UK):

You must register as a childminder if all of the following apply:

• the children are under the age of 8
• you look after them for more than 2 hours a day
• you look after them in your own home
• you get paid to look after them - including payment in kind

You do not need to register if you’re:

• a nanny
• a tutor
• a babysitter and if you look after the children between 6pm and 2am
• a family friend and if you look after the children less than 3 hours a day