Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

[springyellowrose]

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

Can't understand the harsh posts, op did the right thing.

What a silly statement. Mothers are just female human being with children, not some specific subsection of the human race with entirely different characteristics to all others.

If I was Janet, and learned the childminder had lied about the dummy, and then caucused all the women to exclude the truth exposer (if she did), I wouldn't want her looking after my child. It says a lot about her character.

I would be asking straight out why I was removed from the group. I would also be wondering why the unregistered child minder so blatantly lied to the child's mother . It seems a small and petty lie but a little nevertheless. So if the unregistered child minder can lie about something small? What else could the unregistered child minder lie About ?

People are so weird. Why on earth wouldn’t Op say what she saw? It’s not tattling or gossiping it’s just facts. The mum can do with it what she likes but I’d want to know personally and I would think it utterly bizarre if a friend lied to me about if my child was allowed her dummy or not.

I honestly wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with people who block each other from groups. It’s not how my friends behave.

Urghhhh it's such an awful dynamic, why can't people just act like grown ups. Blocking on WhatsApp and un friending people is so passive aggressive. If you've got an issue talk to the person about it.

Sounds like Janet has had a word with the CM, who in turn has spoken to the other Mums and had you ostracised. I think you were right to mention it to Janet, and Janet was right to discuss it with her CM. That should have been the end of it, if the CM has an issue she should have taken it up with you and not gossiped about you to her friends.

This is why I'm unsociable and have only 3/4 good friends, just so unnecessary.

Because it’s completely trivial? Because she could have misheard/ misunderstood the dummy situation, or been talking about a completely different incident?

If it’s trivial then the parent could have ignored it, and presumably judged if it was likely to be accurate. You really don’t have to curate the truth in the way you are describing. It’s totally unnecessary and dishonest.

Exactly.

Then she should 💯 be regulated and reported.

The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

Maybe Janet was talking about other times when she has seen the CM give her dd her dummy? Did Janet really bring up the CM giving the girl a dummy on the coach?

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story.

I don’t think there was much a story but your choice of words makes me think you have made it into a bit of a ‘story’ where there was none and insist that all happened as you said it did. Maybe you felt a strong loyalty to Janet because she was your first friend in the group and wanted her to believe you and trust you above the CM?

Glad I’m out of the group but surprised too since never had a problem with any of them before.

I think the CM has felt aggrieved at being called a liar and her friends have felt they need to rally around her.

I also think if you’re glad to be out of the group then there may have been other things that have rankled, either for you or for Janet/the others.

this. My first thought is that I would not want someone caring for my child to lie to me. Its not my experience that liars only tell one lie. Equally if a friend of mine knew that a lie had been told, I'd want to know about that too.

Yup

Yes we were talking about the trip to the museum and the specific instance of the potty training skills of the childminder in the coach were there was no toilet nor a way to stop and find a toilet but there was a pacifier that was given to the girl to soothe her and distract her from the urge to wee - also this being the childminder’s idea since she is - Janet’s words - so attuned to her daughter’s needs - when in fact it was the girl who asked for the pacifier but was denied since it was not sleeping time.

Yes I was there having the conversation with Janet, I know what we were talking about.

Also yes, I’m glad I’m out of the group. Although I never had problems with any of them before, it is clear I’m not a fit.

Ok
So the childminder looks after Janet’s daughter in her own house, not Janet’s house.
Hence I used the word unregistered - I know the difference between a CM and a nanny and yes we are in the UK.

She is very open about it and even takes some other kids ad-hoc and on weekends, although Janet is her fixed client during the week.

Everyone knows and nobody cares and I will not report.

I'm very much like you in the sense that I can't always control what my face is saying either!
I expect the childminder may have been jealous of your friendship with Janet to begin with as she also seems close to her, hense offering to childmind (or however that came to be). As for the women deleting you, good riddance to bad rubbish! If you haven't done anything wrong then it's a reflection of them, not you.
As you said, when you go back to work you won't have time to be lonely or meet up as frequently, plus you might even make different friends through work colleagues.

Do you avoid friendships with all women, or do you mean women become bitchy and not friendship material if they have kids, so you only have friendships with child free women?

I really can’t see why you involved yourself in this. Who cares if she said she offered it or the child asked. The point is the pacifier helped her. All this she lied stuff is so dramatic and unnecessary and the fact apparently you can’t control your face.

i doubt you’re being ostracised as you pointed out what actually happened, it’s the fact you felt the need to. I’d not ostracise you, but id definitely side eye you and feel you were incredibly petty

How did the pacifier help her if the woman refused to give it to her?

I think you were right to tell Janet the truth.
It makes me wonder why the cm lied.
It makes her to me anyway untrustworthy.

Your conversation with Janet sounds like a normal conversation between two mums.

Are you sure you’ve been blocked by the other mums because of this non issue? Just ask Janet if she knows why you’ve been chucked out of the WhatsApp group. She’ll know

Honestly I think this too. It seems such a normal thing to have said.

You are an honest person, I would've appreciated you telling me that. However the silly people that have blocked you realised that you are too good for them! Let them go. Rise above it and find new friends xx

the girl never had the pacifier at all

Think I'd be more concerned that she was using an illegal, unregistered childminder who will have no insurance and possibly no fist aid training......