Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

[springyellowrose]

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

They sound like a load of arseholes. Why on earth would you have to go along with a lie that a childminder told about how she treats your friend’s child? And it’s not like you deliberately went to tell your friend, it came up in conversation. If she hadn’t have lied then she wouldn’t have had anything to worry about. You’re definitely better off out of it. They’re petty and immature.

I’m more concerned about the use of an unregistered childminder. It is illegal. Please report this to your LA/Ofsted. There is a reason they are not registered! Huge red flag.

Just because you made a face, doesn't mean you had to spill the beans and stir it up.

You could've just left it.

I think in this case is because I need to start potty training and reducing pacifier too and I was rooting for the girl to not have an accident.
It was a journey on a coach after a fun day trip, so out of routine.

But if someone says something weird, then your face changes, then they notice and say "WHAT?" while staring at you anxiously.... I don't think "Oh, nothing" will cut it in that situation. In fact when I've tried it people have got angry at me for not being honest with them 🙄

Janet is still your friend so I expect she raised it with the childminder who denied it and then the childminder removed you and said youd been lying.

Janet doesnt know either way but probably doesnt feel able to change her whole childcare routine at the moment over what she is considering a white lie by childminder so it's more convenient to ignore it. Shes still friends with you.

Start being an organiser, arrange fun things with Janet and one of the friendlier mums who hasnt deleted you and start working or building up a small group. Do not ever discuss The Incident. Eventually Janet and childminder will drift when Janet doesnt need her anymore.

Are you sure this is the reason why a whole group of adults have removed you from social media and their chats?

They all sound so childish and just keep your friendship with Janet and see how things play out. Sounds like they are all school children. Try not to overthink it all but bet childminder was pissed off that you told Janet the truth without thinking it would create such a big issue. Child minder wrong for telling all the group and is in the wrong.

You need to take your courage in both hands and ask 1) Janet and
2) anyone else you think might still be friendly - what exactly is going on and why have you been blocked by the whole group? Its real "Mean Girl" stuff.

The Childminder lied to Janet, quite an unnecessary lie too. What you said to Janet doesn't seem enough for everyone to block you like that, so the likelihood is that the childminder has accused you of something bad enough to be blocked for to discredit you. I think Janet owes you an explanation and at least tell you what you've been accused of.

At least if you know what's been said you have a chance to defend yourself and decide what to do next, otherwise if you appear to keep silent it will just be accepted that what ever it is, is true.

Sadly it will probably be difficult to change people's minds, they sound very cliquey - Its probably a good idea to try to make friends outside of the school circle, and find new interests as they sound like a very fickle and gossipy bunch of people. If you've indulged in that yourself, that might hold part of the answer for the blocking. If not it will probably be better for your sanity to make new friends.

How confident are you that you are talking about the same incident?

It could be that she has offered the pacifier at a different time but didn't this I e because she didn't have it or she knew the child could cope this time without and didn't want her to start using it as an excuse to have it at all times.

This. Very odd

It sounds madly pedantic for you to look shocked over the pacifier. You saw it was mentioned but not used, but she held in her pee till a bathroom, maybe because of the pacifier being offered after the event, or maybe not. I fail to see why you would care. It seems like you dislike the childminder? That one incident alone seems too much for them all to block you though.
Why not ask Janet if she knows what's up? Would you be prepared to apologise? Is it even worth it?

Well you do if someone asks you

If I considered Janet a real friend I would have said something too. It speaks of the trustworthiness of the childminder. She lied, she didn’t offer comfort. That’s quite an important point if someone is looking after your child. Why lie? It’s odd. Plus her nuclear response to hearing about it - leading everyone in a mass blocking on social media - again suggests she’s a bit unhinged.

What a bunch of idiots. Stay friends with Janet, build other friendships elsewhere, and be grateful you’re out of that immature bullshit.

I agree. Why cant the mum know what happened with her own kid. Its not some big secret. It's only been made awkward by the CM lying and then stropping when she was caught lying and turning other people against her.
Op has done nothing wrong. It's normal to look puzzled if someone tells you something you know didn't happen as you were there.

I think Janet would rather believe the CM’s version of events because otherwise she wouldn’t be able to trust her and would have to find alternative child care.

You’ve had a lucky escape, they sound awful. So childish.

This is exactly why I've avoided having mum friends. They're so bitchy

Exactly this and being unregistered it's probably cheap!

I think I would have done the same in your situation!

It seems Janet named you when asking about the incident so childminder has felt like you were skating her, spoke to several other friends and they all agreed to kick you out the group/unfollow you.

Well they are clearly childish and a bit nasty. Although I would be interested to know what the childminder said. It could be worth getting your side across with a few of them if you want to continue the friendships, if you are not that invested I would leave it.

I'd probably mention to Janet you have been dumped.

They are petty and you are better without them.

I understand you were probably surprised and pulled a face. Not in any way worthy of being 'dumped' by a friendship group. How silly.

Hold your head high @springyellowrose

This. Childminder is probably scared she will be reported

Are you in the UK? Because,if so, it's illegal to work as a child minder if you're not registered.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You have just been honest.

I imagine the CM feels you were reporting back to Janet, but why the others have all got involved I have no idea. How childish and silly of them.

Ignore it and carry on as before. Petty behaviour.

These people were never ‘friends’ just people to pass the time with. I would look to develop proper friendships that are supportive and meaningful. Girl groups like this often blow up over nothing and it’s not personal.

If I was Janet I would be alarmed by the CM response and feel concerned about her maturity and honesty. Running back to the group and getting them involved is extraordinarily unprofessional.

The difficulty is that Janet’s friendship has turned into a professional relationship, and it’s changed the dynamics in the group as a result.