Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

[springyellowrose]

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

Nannys don’t have to regulated or registered btw. Unless she’s providing care from her own home then she does have to be.

This is why I as a nanny don’t do any play dates with employers friends and I don’t want to be gossiped about for petty reasons by over sensitive parents.

Is that fair to the child? They miss out playing with friends.

I would have also told Janet op, based on my own experience of 2 crap childminders. It can actually be difficult to really know what happens when one person looks after your child alone.

I would also report her as being unregistered. Janet should be more careful with her childcare. Does this woman even know paediatric first aid or anything?

It's such a non issue why dis the mum bring it up? I'm guessing she already knew from her own child and used you to confirm her suspicion

I take them to classes and play groups and arrange Play dates with fellow Nannies. They can socialise with their parents friends with their Parents.

I think I’d have just kept my mouth shut over the dummy and nodded along.
The childminder probably thought you were talking behind her back to try and cause trouble and shes annoyed that you tole the mum the truth.

I’d go and find some new friends who aren’t so childish.

Posts like this make me glad I stay out of these mum groups

Yup caring for someone else child is tough enough without other parents gossiping and replaying petty non issues back to said child’s parent!

I would count yourself lucky. Who wants to be friends with such petty stupid people? I honestly probably would’ve done the same as you. Not because I wanted to gossip, but I would’ve been like what? that’s not what happened?! I also just don’t understand why the childminder lied about such a dumb thing. She just sounds full of herself and is angry with you for getting caught but really it’s her own fault for having such a huge ego.

You did nothing wrong, OP. Someone recounted a version of events that was wrong and you automatically corrected them. That’s what most people would do in the course of a conversation, perfectly naturally and honestly. It’s like someone saying, I heard Fred drove through a red light yesterday and you saying, nah, it wasn’t Fred, it was Jim. And then the chat moves on. You weren’t trying to trip anyone up or spread gossip, just conversing.

God knows about the removing from groups and being ostracized. That’s so odd! I’d pick the people you know best/like and invite them for a coffee/play date individually. I’d also ask Janet what’s going on. And I’d report the dodgy childminder…

I'm not sure why so many posters are piling on to the OP. I'm pretty sure that my face would have shown surprise.

It sounds like the childminder is a liar, very manipulative and a bit of a queen bee. These "friends" don't sound very nice.

Are you sure it's not Janet who's been shit stirring? It seems like an extreme over reaction by all of them on the face of it.

you making a face and then acting as if it was a big lie has blown this out of proportion. It was a trivial thing and you saw a snapshot of a moment.

everyone is being over dramatic about a non-issue. But either way it makes you look bad because you’re either making a big deal about a dummy Or don’t have the chill facts and calling someone a liar

Why are so many posters taking the childminder's side?
I don't have a poker face.

Because she’s done nothing wrong. 😂

I would have told the truth, too, @springyellowrose .

You need to learn when people are asking you a leading question or setting you up to get a response.

Janet was fishing and you caught the bait and merrily told your version of events.

Never get caught up in other peoples drama. Nod diplomatically or say you don't recall or remember as you were attending to your own child.

😂

Except lied over something trivial! seriously what is the point? She didn't give her the dummy she didn't offer the dummy sounds like she is judging the mum for dummy use and has taken it upon herself to wean the child off overstepping a bit but nothing dramatic

Looking surprised when you are surprised is not "making a face" and there's no suggestion that OP acted as if it was a big lie.

@SherbertDips I know nannies arent registered/regulated, but the OP is very clear that the friend is a childminder,not a nanny. ie she cares for the child in her own home.

Honestly, I agree with @TheYearOfSmallThings. It was an entirely trivial thing. It doesn’t require Oscar-winning acting skills to keep your beak out.

I think that’s if it’s in the childminders home. In your own house you can have whoever you like and pay them for whatever you like. There was a case a few years ago involving two police women, they were found out and it was said they needed to register as A looked after B’s child in A’s house and vice versa. Had it been the other way round, it’s not an issue.

My flatmates friend used to be a nanny for a couple in their home. She wasn’t registered and they had to sack her because they couldn’t claim the childcare vouchers but that was the only reason.

I imagine these sort of informal arrangements are pretty common.

Many people are black and white about fact and fiction. It’s definitely not a failing in my book.

OP, Janet probably doesn’t want to risk losing her childminder (which is understandable given it’s a pain in the arse to find someone reliable), so she’s thrown you under the bus instead.

As can be seen on this thread and countless others, people happily pick a side without having any first hand knowledge of a situation because they’re scared of being ostracised too. That’s their failing.

Honestly, don’t sweat it. You’ll find new friends via work and when your daughter starts school, so carry on doing your own thing.

Because they’re afraid of sticking their head above the parapet.

They’re the ‘mind your own business’ brigade and unreliable when it comes to friendship because they always put their own needs first.