To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Hopefully thats all that happens 🙄

I mean he might just be your common or garden cocklodger, but wtf is wrong with women like your sister?

If all the adults think he's great it's unlikely that the nieces will be on the look out for any signs saying otherwise isn't it?

I mean you tend to trust your Mum & Gran!

But that I presume was a one time thing that you decided wasn’t for you and would walk away if it started happening again

This is a pattern. Someone who is attracted to the drama and not turned off by it.

When you see it happening and then someone writes about 2 people who you can see follow the same thought processes and tick all the boxes then I don’t think it is that much of a reach

Where have you got neurodivergent from seriously? There are so many women who get into relationships like this because they are lonely and desperate for a relationship which means they fall for the love bombing and for these narcissistic types. It’s a common pattern. Nothing to do with ND so sick of this being mentioned for literally everything! 🙄🙄🙄

Claire's law now!

I could not get legal aid for my divorce with abusive ex as the proof I had wasn't proof enough apparently. To get it she's been abused by him and proven it.

My ex also had a crazy ex when we got together. Now I'm the crazy ex to the woman he moved in with in her house she pays for while he leeches.

You are right to be concerned

3 kids to 3 different women

you didn't need to go past this to realise he was bad news.

He's a selfish, opportunist. Your sister's lack of concern for her daughters' safety and emotional wellbeing is appalling.

Crazy ex? Red flag
Gambling addiction who still bets? Massive red flag
Not seeing children? Red flag. What is he doing about not seeing his children?

Your sister was rediculous to move this man into her house with kids. I feel bad for your nieces.

"I worry for his new partner. Someone told me the other day she was selling her tv unit. It sounds mad but my heart sank.

My ex is a builder and I know full well that's because he will be making a built in media wall for her tv. He did it in my house, and others too. It's how he works his way into the houses of his new relationship. No doubt she will think it's great right now but she's well and truly trapped."

From this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5035457-to-hand-my-daughter-over-to-my-ex?page=2&reply=134018913

@Howbizarre22 you must be misinformed as you cannot get legal aid with proof of DV (in England anyway). Unless your friend was fighting for custody againt the LA then I think you get legal aid.

I’ve known a few men who are self talkers. With adhd and addiction issues. Not in all cases.
But it’s never their fault. Your sister needs to be very careful. Sounds like love bombing from the off. I would never let a man meet my children let alone move in that quickly! Alarm bells would definitely be ringing. The doing things for your mum etc is making everyone like him….because that’s how he wants it to look. I would ask him more questions be direct, don’t overload. But if he is a self talker he will probably answer quite willingly!

This. These men simply cannot cope on their own and will pull out all the stops to impress a woman and her mum/family to weasel his way in to the home. DIY jobs, “victimhood” tales, crazy ex tales, his personality his charm…it is .ONLY a matter of time before the wheels come off-once he’s firmly in there that’s when the nightmare begins. The drama. The abuse. Your sister is incredibly naive for falling fir this age old pattern and whatsmore I’m afraid to say seriously wreckless and a terrible parent for not being more protective of her dc in moving him in so extremely soon! I’m deeply concerned for those girls. OP keep your eyes peeled and keep being there for the girls. I’d be trying to arrange a “girls catch up” up with sis & mum to gently say you are concerned out of care & love for her- she can’t get too mad at you if you frame it carefully and sensitively? Put the seed in her mind at least.

Alan has every red flag going, domestic abuse pending if your sister stays with him. Does she not see that it's really unlikely his ex is as bad as he makes out?

From the same thread

"Another thing - he introduced ds to his new girlfriend straight away after not seeing her for 6 weeks. It left dd massively confused - she had his new girlfriend and her kids pushed onto her. She doesn't even know their names so just called them 'the mummy' and 'the girls'."

There are some striking similarities :/

Ok thank you…what is the LA?

I always think when a man signals he is nothing but trouble at the very start of a relationship and the woman moves him in anyway and ploughs ahead with no thought to her kids, I see her as less of a potential victim and more a case of birds of a feather flocking together and them both being fucking nightmares.
I can't tell you how much of a knock to the head it would take to make me even consider being with such a man. He's spelled it out what he's all about ffs!

I don't know why OP is even thinking of the need to make applications under Claire's or Sarah's law? Or fretting over why Alan's is getting legal aid? There's enough already known about him to make him bad news.

Alan and OP's sister are both appalling parents.

OP's sister's love of cock is more important than her children's safety and emotional wellbeing. In Alan's case, it's cunt and a roof over his head. Why on earth did she or anyone else think it was appropriate to meet Alan's 5 year old so soon.

I’d be wary of any man who didn’t see his own kids

I am a male father of three. Alan really scares me. He is using your sister for sex and free accommodation and manipulating your mother to disguise himself. He sounds very dangerous. Your sister and her children are in an unsafe situation. It will end badly. Honestly, I think you should be speaking to social services, not to "dob" on your sister, but to protect her children from a dangerous predator. If your sister gets pregnant by Alan, she will never be free - and that seems to be one of his tactics by the sounds of it to control "his" women.

Brilliant!

Alan is on the make.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Oh all the flags

Also from that thread

"He has a criminal record from years ago. I don't know how much of that would be taken into account. And also a restraining order against a previous ex - which I had absolutely no idea about until recently.

He's extremely charming though.

I can't see him taking me to court. He's a gambling
addict and last I heard he was in a lot of debt."

Seems mn are super sleuths. Sounds very much connected to op's thread.

@tesitwist OP where is your sister's ex-husband in this? What does he think about all the different blokes being paraded around his daughters?