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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

426 replies

tesitwist · 08/04/2024 18:35

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
tesitwist · 09/04/2024 07:02

I am definitely going to try Claire's law today on my break at work. It is worth a try.

Thank you for all the responses confirming my suspicions.

OP posts:
Chunkycookie · 09/04/2024 07:08

When I was dating, any man who called his ex crazy was gone immediately.

Ditto any man who had multiple children by multiple women.

Or If they had a child they didn’t see.

All those things together? Fucking hell, what a disaster waiting to happen.

Mollymalone123 · 09/04/2024 07:14

I just finished listening to a podcast on bbc sounds called Femicide.One if the red flags to domestic violence or coercive control is the moving in very quickly.also blaming the ‘crazy ex partner’ for reasons he’s unable to see his child.I’m not saying this could be an issue but the fact he has 3 children to 3 different women should have been enough to put anyone off.definitely ask for police under the Claire’s law to see if he has a record of dv

crockofshite · 09/04/2024 07:15

tesitwist · 08/04/2024 20:55

She's got her own mind and very stubborn. I don't think she would. She honestly thinks hes great as he's just built a media wall in her living room.

It's so hard because I don't want to lose her. I worry for my nieces. I won't know what's going on if she takes it the wrong way which she will right now.

I'm also wondering if she will isolate herself from us as we are very close and I hear about abusive people who try and isolate the victim from their family. This hasn't happened yet - can't bloody get rid of Alan now. It's almost like he's joined our family over night. He's always there.

The only thing I can think is to contact the ex wife but equally as I've said, I don't want the drama.

Show quote history

What's a media wall?

Londonrach1 · 09/04/2024 07:19

Your poor nieces.

Poettree · 09/04/2024 07:22

My advice would be to not be afraid to pull him up on his behaviour if you notice anything untoward in your presence. He sounds manipulative and charming, the type to do a little (ie the work around the house) in order to take a lot.

He may move on faster if he senses someone is not taken in by him and is keeping a close eye on him. People like this are predators, they move in on a whole family as he is doing. Of course it never works out because someone is usually wise to them but in the meantime he has a roof over his head and the chance to live off someone for a while.

Countrylife2002 · 09/04/2024 07:38

Legal aid for divorce is if low income AND dv with police evidence

Countrylife2002 · 09/04/2024 07:40

I’ve got an abusive ex who will def be telling anyone he dates that I’m a bitter and twisted old hag who has poisoned his DD’s mind against him. In fact, I encouraged dd to see him and she made her own mind up to go NC. She’s not seen him for 5 years.

Molonty · 09/04/2024 07:45

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago.

I always, always stand by this. The biggest danger to children are the women who are so desperate and pathetic for a man that they bring them into their kids lives. Your sister seems like one of these women. Your dm too as she is clearly wooed by his patio building free job.
You need to sit her down and tell her the truth about her ways, she has 3 daughters!!
Disgusting how she brings all these men into her kids lives. Blame Alan all you want, but it's this woman who is bringing him into her kids lives.

Countrylife2002 · 09/04/2024 07:48

Does Clare’s Law show an expired caution? I’d be really interested to know if my ex is on there. His caution will have expired years ago.

Princessbananahamock · 09/04/2024 07:51

PeopleAreWeird · 09/04/2024 02:54

This is so random , but his name isnt Rob is it? @tesitwist

We must know the same person lol.

Original poster
tesitwist · 09/04/2024 07:52

Molonty · 09/04/2024 07:45

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago.

I always, always stand by this. The biggest danger to children are the women who are so desperate and pathetic for a man that they bring them into their kids lives. Your sister seems like one of these women. Your dm too as she is clearly wooed by his patio building free job.
You need to sit her down and tell her the truth about her ways, she has 3 daughters!!
Disgusting how she brings all these men into her kids lives. Blame Alan all you want, but it's this woman who is bringing him into her kids lives.

I totally agree to be honest.

My dad was abusive and my mum even now fails to see it and they have been separated a long time. She will blame herself.

Like I say, me and my sister have turned out polar opposites. I'm a people pleaser from constantly trying to please my dad. My sister turned into a rebel and went the opposite way.

I get on with my sister well but she speaks her mind so me and my mum sort of tip toe around her.

OP posts:
PigeonEgg · 09/04/2024 07:55

Your sister is failing her daughters, this is so selfish and irresponsible to let a stranger move in and have access to her children.

It's great you have a good relationship with your neices and that you feel they'd tell you if anything bad happened.

But are you willing to risk something bad happening to them for them to tell you about?

I'd be sitting down with your sister and your mum and pointing out the bloody obvious to her.

Sure, date him if she insists on this waste of space but do not have him in her home!

inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2024 07:55

It's always the ex's fault that he doesn't see the kids...
He's trouble and it will end in tears. Not much you can do, just be aware and be there for your sister when it falls apart.

alwaysmovingforwards · 09/04/2024 07:55

honeyandfizz · 08/04/2024 18:44

Your sister is failing her children here massively and I would be really concerned for their welfare. It seems they are not her priority but her love life is. Yes Alan sounds like a douche and I would struggle to maintain a relationship with such a selfish sibling.

Agreed.

Molonty · 09/04/2024 07:57

Op give her the truth and fall out with your sister if you have to, but speak up for those girls. This is not ok at all.

Yalta · 09/04/2024 07:58

But the more the drama goes on with Alan's ex wife, the more I'm getting worried and equally fed up. Why my sister wants a relationship with a man who has so much drama around him is beyond me

Is it the drama that keeps your dsis in relationships

My guess is, as soon as this divorce quietens down then Alan can wave goodbye because he will be boring unless he can come up with more drama

I recognise your sisters and Alan’s behaviour. (Neither ever met. I am related to one and worked with the other)

Both were eventually diagnosed with ADHD. The drama thing, being attracted to it or causing it, (it’s a way to focus the mind), the gambling addiction, in trouble with the law. Multiple wives/gfs husbands /bfs

Usually someone with ADHD will find another ADHD person. After the initial flurry of new love with a NT person they will eventually be bored by them and they will split, only for the same process to start again.

Molonty · 09/04/2024 07:59

just be aware and be there for your sister when it falls apart.

Because poor sister is a victim here. Poor sister is some meek, vulnerable, defenceless person that is just being taken advantage of. Please. This woman IS the cause of any damage or harm that will come her DC way, because she puts men before her kids.

Branleuse · 09/04/2024 08:02

How is your sister for humour? You might be able to plant seeds of doubt for her with gentle ribbing.
I dunno, I'd keep your sister close. This relationship isn't going to last but it could be damaging.

You've got a lot of 'crazy exes' for such a charismatic and generous man Alan.

Countrylife2002 · 09/04/2024 08:05

Yalta · 09/04/2024 07:58

But the more the drama goes on with Alan's ex wife, the more I'm getting worried and equally fed up. Why my sister wants a relationship with a man who has so much drama around him is beyond me

Is it the drama that keeps your dsis in relationships

My guess is, as soon as this divorce quietens down then Alan can wave goodbye because he will be boring unless he can come up with more drama

I recognise your sisters and Alan’s behaviour. (Neither ever met. I am related to one and worked with the other)

Both were eventually diagnosed with ADHD. The drama thing, being attracted to it or causing it, (it’s a way to focus the mind), the gambling addiction, in trouble with the law. Multiple wives/gfs husbands /bfs

Usually someone with ADHD will find another ADHD person. After the initial flurry of new love with a NT person they will eventually be bored by them and they will split, only for the same process to start again.

Massively don’t agree. My marriage was drama filled and I did not want it to be. It’s easy to fall for love bombing

Howbizarre22 · 09/04/2024 08:10

SENDmam · 08/04/2024 18:59

You are correct on domestic abuse entitling you for legal aid. It is no longer just available for anyone on a low income like it used to from what I understand/have experienced from people I have worked with. Worth a try with the info you have for Clare's Law, has he mentioned what area he lived in previously even if you don't have an address? Name and DOB is a good start I would have thought?

I can’t agree as I know someone who get free legal aid recently purely because she was the main carer for the child during the custody case. There was no domestic violence involved, she was apparently entitled to it as she’s on a low income/ single mum

inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2024 08:11

Molonty · 09/04/2024 07:59

just be aware and be there for your sister when it falls apart.

Because poor sister is a victim here. Poor sister is some meek, vulnerable, defenceless person that is just being taken advantage of. Please. This woman IS the cause of any damage or harm that will come her DC way, because she puts men before her kids.

No, that is not what I meant. Of course she is as culpable, but it is her family and her nieces. She will need to be there for them to support when the shit hits the fan - whether that's financial, abuse, or just a broken heart when she finds out the truth.

PigeonEgg · 09/04/2024 08:11

Yalta · 09/04/2024 07:58

But the more the drama goes on with Alan's ex wife, the more I'm getting worried and equally fed up. Why my sister wants a relationship with a man who has so much drama around him is beyond me

Is it the drama that keeps your dsis in relationships

My guess is, as soon as this divorce quietens down then Alan can wave goodbye because he will be boring unless he can come up with more drama

I recognise your sisters and Alan’s behaviour. (Neither ever met. I am related to one and worked with the other)

Both were eventually diagnosed with ADHD. The drama thing, being attracted to it or causing it, (it’s a way to focus the mind), the gambling addiction, in trouble with the law. Multiple wives/gfs husbands /bfs

Usually someone with ADHD will find another ADHD person. After the initial flurry of new love with a NT person they will eventually be bored by them and they will split, only for the same process to start again.

I think you've touched the other side of the world with that reach.

distinctpossibility · 09/04/2024 08:18

You can get legal aid for mediation based just on low income in England. Mediators will listen to both sides and try to come up with a fair agreement but it's sometimes not recommended as it doesn't explore concrete legal rights. It's also not legally binding.

For the actual divorce to be legal aid funded there needs to be a risk of homelessness or domestic violence.

But even if he's not a domestic abuser he's a self-indulgent, self-interested knobhead with an ongoing gambling issue and a planeload of baggage. Just WHY would you invite this into your life?! Thank goodness the girls and your sister have you.

vix3rd · 09/04/2024 08:21

This is so weird.
I read a post last week that was written from the POV of the Ex wife & she was talking about the ex having built a media wall for her & then again for the new girlfriend and how it was a way for him to show how brilliant he is.

What are the chances the ex is on here ??

I can't remember much more about the post or the OP though.