To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Moving someone with previous for GBH into a house with three young girls after a few months. 😩 Apart from Clare’s Law, I guess all you can do is keep those doors of communication with the girls wide open. It sounds like you’re a great aunt and safe space for them. Just so irresponsible and without a care for the girls agh

This. Your sister is the problem here. She ended the best relationship she had because it was too boring and hooks up with dickheads. Pathetic and dangerous for her kids.

Can she do the police disclosure under Clare's Law to see if any domestic violence has been logged before. I had suspicions about a friend's bf and suggested this to her and lo and behold the charming man did have a past!

From what you have said there are a lot of red flags. He may be innocent of them of course but it doesn't hurt to be reassured.

Sorry just seen you have already been told about Clare's law.

Not RTFT but oh my, Alan is a whole row of red flags!

It's funny how Mumsnet changes you, I have been here for years (and years) and somebody was telling me about their daughter's boyfriend the other day. Another friend with us commented that I was 'very suspicious' and I just thought, I'm not, I bet you I'm absolutely right!

To be honest, I'm glad of it, this is another situation where I bet we're all absolutely right.

Very frustrating to see women deliberately choosing to ignore the very obvious red flags with men like this.
I honestly don't think she'll care about any disclosures under any laws, she'll just lie to herself and say the exes were crazy and made false allegations.

Why does she even need that? 3 children he barely sees with 3 separate mothers is enough on its own to avoid him.

I would contact her. I'm sure you'd find out more that way. Also find out the truth.

Clearly not or he wouldn't be living with her.

We know the sister is the prime problem here, but nothing will make the scales fall from her eyes until she's ready to listen.

None so blind as those that will not see.

Request a Sarah's Law check too. This will flag to parents, carers or guardians of children (so if anything is flagged it would be your sister warned, not you) any history of child sex offences.

My friend met a man three weeks after she split with her husband. She had a 5 year old son. The new man was three times divorced (she didn't know that for a very long time), and didn't see his two children (by the last wife). They were only 4 and 2 themselves at the time, so he had rushed into a new relationship too. (He was living with his parents). He said his marriage ended because he came home from work and found his wife and another guy in bed together.

She only found out about all the marriages because her ex-husband employed a private detective and Clare's Law to find out about his background because he was worried about this man being around his son. There was nothing criminal about him but he was a fantastist and a liar who gaslit her for a long time. He wasn't doing anything criminal or cheating but he was gambling and he lost over £115,000. He told stories about being a bouncer, having been a chef with Tom Kerridge, a house in Cyprus and knowing footballers.

All the wives had actually kicked him out because of him being lazy and a poor provider but when his family background was looked into he came from a decent family. The problems have to have come from somewhere.

The Take a Break story almost writes itself.

Cheerily, I skipped down the stairs. It might have been a grey Monday morning but my day was brightened up by cheeky chappie Alan, who had offered to give me a hand with some DIY. Charming and funny, Alan had been open with me about his troubled childhood and a previous gambling problem, but he was over that now. My mum loved him too. "You've done well there love," she said, putting the kettle on to make him a cuppa while he laid her a new patio. The only one who wasn't keen was my sister ...

[insert photo of man with a face like a bag of dropped spanners here, labelled Alan]

... in the end I had to accept Alan was far from the helpful charmer I'd fallen for. He's ruined my trust in men and damaged my relationships with my family. I only wish I'd listened to my sister earlier.

Alan was contacted by Take a Break and said "I did everything for her and it still wasn't enough. She's crazy and I'm the victim here."

All men talk incessantly about themselves.

@PollyOttle That's absolutely brilliant. 😁

Absolute Genius !

Oh wow @PollyOttle that's some skills you have there!! 😄

Legal aid is definitely only available in England and Wales if there is DV, child abduction or risk of homelessness involved - https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/getting-help-and-advice/divorce-and-separation-advice/legal-aid-and-other-help-if-you-cant-afford-divorce-or-separation-fees

The Met Police Clare's Law page (https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/) says you can request information about the current or ex-partner of a friend or relative because you're worried they might be at risk.

I would definitely do the Clare's Law application so at least you're aware. What you then do with the information you get is then up to you, but beware the risk it might have on your relationship with your sister. She's fallen for him completely and as outgoing as she may be, she's under his spell of "his ex is crazy" so will likely justify any prior convictions as his ex making them up.

My friend now regrets not also kicking him out as he stole from her. He stole holiday money, some of her jewellery and he also stole and sold his mother's jewellery which is why his brother has nothing to do with him and banned him from their father's funeral.

Your mum and your sister are blind.
Really bad at judging character.
He's love bombed the whole family and luckily you've seen through it.

Good luck getting them to consider any other narrative than poor Alan and how the sun shines out of his arse.

Sadly, one possible future is that it all has to play out the long way.

Those poor kids on both sides, they are really being set up for a lifetime of repeating these terrible life choices.

Amazing. Throws roses 🌹 🌹🌹

I think some women like it when men say bad things about their exes makes them feel superior. Even my neighbour slags me off to his women and she ain't nothing special but thinks she is as she is getting told she is better than me and enjoys him being disrespectful to other women.
Men love playing women against each other. I think I can see through this so clearly as I'm gay

Hi @wizzywig just out of interest, when you say bullshit artists is that because they genuinely have lots of money but plead poverty to get out of paying child support - or they bullshit about the amount of money they earn?

You sound like a wonderful sister and aunt, if you and your family live in the Kent area and this man’s name is Ashley, then please contact me directly. I once made a huge mistake in who I got into a relationship with, especially as I have a daughter. I really hope this all turns out ok for your sister and your nieces

@tesitwist After doing Claire's Law, and Sarah's Law - which if it throws anything up means they'll warn your sister (and hopefully she won't blame you but the 'mad' ex) I suggest talk to your mum.
The best way to get round the 'he won't take any money for building the patio' is suggest she pays him by paying your daughter directly for the patio as advance on his keep - could be explained as 'that way 'crazy ex' won't know he's been paid.', but importantly means your sister isn't supporting him as much.

I wonder about this also.

What sensible person would take either of them on?

Of course if it was just the two of them it wouldn't matter so much.