To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Sounds like a massive red flag

DV doesnt just happen to women who can’t handle themselves/are quiet. There’s an episode of Young Again with Kirsty Young where she interviews Mel B which I’d really recommend listening to. It focuses on she experienced in her marriage and she talks about how she used to pride herself on being able to handle herself but that appealed to her abuser as it made her a challenge to break down.

She also talks about the red flags in relationships that can indicate someone could potentially be an abuser. Love bombing, intense fast moving relationships, extreme highs and lows, lack of accountability - there’s potentially signs of all of these in your posts.

If you can, definitely use Clare’s law to check what indicators of previous DV may be on his record. It may not change your sister’s mind but you’ll better understand what you’re dealing with and the risk he may pose to your loved ones.

was just about to recommend this book, all the way through reading this thread I was thinking about it. It's such a good book that I have read it twice.Thanks for the link to the podcast.

Your nieces are very lucky to have you so close in both the physical and the emotional sense. Alan is making all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck, the "crazy ex", the making himself indispensable with the DIY, the ex-gambler who still bets, the cuckoo like insertion into your sister's home, the well paid job but no actual money, distracting drama which stars him as the poor put upon victim. I always say trust your gut instinct, I have overridden mine on a couple of occasions, luckily without any serious consequences but my initial feelings were so accurate. You sound like a lovely caring sister

Alan is a red flag on top of mount Everest!!!

He has completely loved bombed your sister, distracted her by the "ex-wife"! Next thing you know she'll be knee deep in debt, and he'll be claiming all sorts from her!! Not to mention.. ripping up your mum's new patio when he is triggered!

Yeah he sounds like apiece of work let's face it

If it walks like a duck etc

Keep your nieces close

Nope. You are not wrong to be concerned. He’s self absorbed, charming (initially), addiction problems, has a stream of broken relationships he takes no responsibility for and moved in far too quickly. Best and worst case scenarios as laid out in above posts. He will not be able to maintain his facade for any length of time, but by then your sister will be in too deep, and will be reluctant to roll back on her new romance so will make all the necessary excuses for him.

Bet he was briefly staying at his mum’s between girlfriends when he met your sister. He will have credit problems too. She is a selfish halfwit to put her children in the situation of having some random moving in with them and all the potential risk this entails.

It will be difficult to get through to your sister as she will still think he’s amazing. Do the Claires Law thing if possible and gather as much local knowledge to help protect your nieces.

Yes I was a 17 year old lesbian working and enjoying becoming an adult I was quiet however well known in the area as I was from a big family and people seemed to know of me my ex targeted me as he knew people disliked me and slagged me off people I didn't know, girls loved him however interested in me as I wasnt interested, however suffocated from the start, my family loved him, he was tall, confident, strong looking, people were jealous of me as they wanted his attention so I started getting a lot of hate, he loved attention, people never really knew i was gay as i was skinny blonde but i dressed sporty and was into fitness, i only had boyfriends if my friend was dating someone then their mate asked me out but i wasnt really interested so never lasted long however still got the slut label. Anyway hewanted to be friends with everyone I knew even people I was trying to get away from and he managed to get me pregnant at 17 and 20 I tried to make it work, changed my whole personality everyday to keep a man happy I didn't even want to be with as he loved me so much lol I didn't believe it however everyone else did and made me look like a bitch that wanted to be a single mum and dumping a lovely socialise guy, who was violet, always chatting to women but I wasn't even allowed to look the wrong way.
Anyway was in hell for years, when I split up with Jim the first time as he came back so many times as he think he had access to me as I'm single and have his kids, even though I'm single due to focusing on my kids and providing as much stability as I possibly could! My sister said poor 'dave' not his real name lol when I said I was gay. I said I've always been this way just never had a chance to be lol and I'm only just thinking about dating now now my youngest is 16. Anyway everyone loved my ex and I was hated by everyone he knew, even though he'd say to me your the best women I've ever met, no one compares to you, I never believed this crap but he is all about lovebombing and drama and causing hurt, hwhen I an more practical everyday life and routine etc He doesn't pay maintenance and says as he worked whilst I was studying for my degree I owe him, when I earn a lot and if I weren't studying I would have not work anyway as if I have kids I personally want to be their 24/7 I went to work when my youngest was 7. I was planning to go to uni before I got pregnant, he tries to take credit for me doing karate as he said he gave me the confidence to go . Really I just wanted to get away from him as much as possible. I told him many times I hated him. Even if I was straight he is nasty! Of he was nice not violent, didn't sexually objectify me and accused me of things start arguments and the rest I would have made it work I may be gay but if he actually was decent I would have made it work and loved him as I'm not all about sex however he approached me and I told him I'm ambitious and looking forward to being an adult as my mum had me young and I got bullied so I didn't want to bring kids in this world. However I enjoy everyday with them I never was upset or regretted kids they are my whole world my best friends however they have had some challenges due to our relationship. My kids would love a relationship with their dad and I would love them to have a relationship but he is awful and my daughter came home in tears last time. His new girlfriend think he is lovely!!! And my ex sent a stupid Xmas meme to my son very immature thing he does and my son said you send it to me ill break you hands, not son is not violent, he is nice however this is the only language my ex will understand, she said its disgusting how you are treating your father, he really is playing the nice guy victim, he is a violet thug. He used to shout and swear playing call of duty thought the kids growing up and if 'nagged on'he would get me by the throat, all sorts. He tried to make oit I'm an alcoholic violent mother evil lol even though I work full time provide for my kids, my kids love spending time with me and we have a good life now I don't even drink! I went to a family friends concert it was to raise money for disabled people so lots of people in wheelchair and kids around and we had a photo and my daughter was holding a can of Fosters for my sister and on Facebook he writes under the pic , nice to see you 2 are still alive and that can better be your mothers, my daughter is a quite sensitive girl and he talks to her is a nasty way and he tried to make me look like a shit mum when I do everything frickin perfect the only bad thing was not getting him put of our lives earlier (I tried) i just couldn't get him out ans didn't have faith I police as he was a security guard of they just give him a warning he'll lose his job and make my life even more he'll. I'm glad he has a girlfriend who thinks he is nice and i hope he is nice to her so he can leave us alone, however it is unlikely as his mum has a party coming up and he isn't invited but me and the kids are as they know he'll cause trouble and drama,
My son has warned her he is violent however she obviously has been brainwashed to believe my son is bad when he is great and bloody strong for standing up to his father which I don't want him to have to as his father is dangerous and the whole town is scared of him and(licks his a**) that's why he hated me as he didn't understand why I didn't want him when everyone else did but I'm not into hard men violent cunts however he really knows how to play the game. His grandad was ill and he went to look after him, everyone thought it was lovely lol he only went to try and get money out of him yeah lovely to look after a grandad who has plenty of people looking after him but cannot support or be nice to your own family lol people really are gullible and belive frickin anything but I end up in these situations

On the surface he sounds nice (professionally) but personally sounds a bit of a mess.
I don't blame you for being wary just moving someone in especially if she has form.
Although
However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister
See, you can wonder but that's not any of your business.

''Your sister has just signed up to be the next ‘crazy ex’. God help her if she gets pregnant. ''

This .

If your sister already has children, it is likely she is fertile, and will ''fall pregnant'' with this geezer- and sure as eggs is eggs, will be the next ''Absolute lunatic ex. baby momma''

Sorry for the long post I only really wanted to write that my ex wouldn't lift a finger for me (miss perfect/best women he has ever met) but paints fences and mows lawns and jumps higg for ither women who had men to help them! He wanted me to see him as my everything when he didn't do anything for me lol so everyone thought I was horrible! He even didn't like workmen coming around and he'd say I would have done that when I asked s* load of times!

I don't know who's worse, him or your idiot of a sister.

Nobody says I love you faster than a man who needs a place to live

My mother did this to my sisters and me. I lived with my stepfathers alcoholism from 1977 til now. Your sister is a total idiot. She is putting her daughters at risk for a cocklodging gambling addict.

This is so random , but his name isnt Rob is it? @tesitwist

Isn't it funny how a LOT of men claim their ex partners were mad, crazy, psychos with mental health issues. Can't say I know many women who match this description in real life! Men seem to take no accountability for their own actions and relationship break downs and nothing is ever their fault! Definitely a red flag with this guy.

Your concern here seems to be your sisters boyfriend and not her behaviour of moving a stranger into her home after a month. Your sister is the problem here and she needs to get her act together, what a failure as a mother.

Alan sounds like someone I know, not exactly, but the type of person.

Alan is an asshole. Alan has to go.

Idk what you can do to intervene. Your sister has been love bombed and in think you can only be there when it all goes wrong and in the meantime support your dns. The only thing I can think of is approaching her ex. How would your sister react if her ex tried to increase his contact time with the girls? Would that would bring her to her senses?

If Alan isn’t “hust” a cocklodger then why d say a narcassist.
Talsk about himself . Talks about exes in a bad light to make himself the good guy.

Getting everyone on side so when your sister does start to see the real him she will possibly not have family support as everyone loves Alan and simply can’t believe it would be true.

His ex probably had poor mental health for a short time while with him as everything was her fault never Alan’s .
Or it’s the perfect excuse to why she may be herd saying not so nice truths about Alan.

You need to talk to your sister . more so about the random men in her kids lives and at how much risk she is putting her girls in bringing random men to live in their home .

You say he earns well? My sister had one of these types. He always seemed to carry lots of cash but my husband and I joked it was the same £50 note he had all the time as he never spent any money. Just liked to look the big man.

Red flag atop red flag atop red flag.

Please please keep an eye on your nieces. We had an "Alan" come into the life of a relative and sure enough he was a predator. Looking back it feels obvious but at the time he was charming and we were happy to see our family member so happy. We were all too polite to say anything about our niggling doubts. This really does sound terrible, I hope it doesn't last.

I would again urge you to use Clare's law (as after all he is having contact with your children/vulnerable mother).
Being "strong" can be attractive for these types of men.
If he wasn't in his grave I'd suspect she was going out with my father. And he was physically abusive in the end which did push my mother to leave. Before that his lack of money and my mother's frequent lack of food hadn't been enough.
Also if a builder type him doing your Mum's patio especially if doing it steadily rather than in fits and starts as work comes in, is a huge red flag. He is trying to charm everyone.

If you had a bad childhood then why not do some therapy (help build your own boundaries and not worry about offending people). And then you can talk loudly about how helpful it is.
If your mother put up with your Dad and hasn't done work on herself then she is not necessarily going to be much help.
Just be there for the girls (maybe even build gentle bridges with their Dad if he's any better).

Oh and I understand why my Dad was the way he was, but I'm so glad my Mum got out when she did.

My ex is an Alan. Abusive, controlling, narc who’s a shit dad. Every relationship he’s been in since we split has been with a ready made family. Each woman had their own house and car and kids and he just rocks up, moves in and does fuck all.

I’m sure each one was told I was a crazy ex who’d stopped him from seeing his child etc. I hadn’t. Just demanded a routine and protected my child when his dad didn’t turn up for the 4th consecutive weekend.

He also has a trade, never has anything to show for it because his earnings go up his nose. Something else to be wary of I think?

I’d definitely do a Claire’s law- 2 of my exes new partners reported him to the police and there’s a record from our relationship too. He will have left a trail somehow

No definitely not Rob either, he has am7 letters in his name. Again said that to hear of another one similar!