To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I would step back and wait for it all to crumble. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

Her sister is an adult and can deal with the consequences. No sympathy for her. BUT the children are innocent here and being failed by there mother who needs a man so desperately that she doesn't deserve these kids. The op shouldn't be quiet because the children are the ones who will suffer

if someone came on here saying a woman had 3 kids with 3 dads negatively, there would be uproar.

Would there? If there isn't, maybe there should be. Maybe put her first child or at a push her second child's need for stability over her need to have a man And if she's reached her 3rd child and still after a new man I doubt it's the children whose needs are uppermost.

It's nothing to do with sexual morality- shag around as much as you like when you're single and childfree. Introducing new live- in boyfriends to your children every couple of years is another matter.

I really hope @subscribed and OP are exchanging info on Media Wall Alan...

So much of your posts sound like my ex-SIL's "Alan" who she met in her early 40s when my niece was 9.

Only talking about himself, being so saccharin helpful and friendly to the family, crazy ex's, had a lovely 16 year old son, respectable career, respectable friends, shoehorned himself into her life very quickly and introduced her to his respectable family etc. I found him boring and too intense, my dad hated him on sight.

SIL's "Alan" turned out to be a serial predator and it blew our family apart. My biggest regret was pulling back a bit from from SIL and niece because he was so irritating and always present. Keep your nieces close to you and keep talking to them.

I really can never understand women like your sister. All the massive red flags from Alan aside...you dont know ANYONE (even if they come with full DBS checks and references) in this short of a time and as a mum you have a duty to protect your children. Inviting a stranger into your house within weeks of knowing him is massively failing that duty and should actually be a crime of some sort.

Put in a Clare's Law application for him.

Not me but my DB's best friend, his SIL (auntie to his kids, his ex's sister). She met a man whom I'd met years ago. This man was really slimy, he touched my bum at our house once years ago and denied doing it (he'd had a girlfriend too) and was always on the fringes and I was pleased when he moved away. Then one day me and DB dropped to see someone, it was him, he'd remarried, got divorced with DC but he seemed ok now and friendly. Again, we didn't see much of him but he must've been around as he started seeing DB's friend's ex-GF who he had 3 DC with and moved in with her.

The first thing we heard about him was a year later, when the girls (all under 10) confided in us on a trip to the park, that 'Mike' had been unkind to them, hitting them and verbally abusing them, and he was no longer with their mum but there was a court order or something from the court saying he wasn't allowed near them and if he was and did anything then they were supposed to tell us, which they were now doing again. The youngest girl is my DB's goddaughter. We were both furious but had to be calm and stay quiet as to not upset them and merely listened.

Then, their mum's sister, got pregnant by this lowlife, but they split up and she now has a son who's his but looks the spit of him, unsure if he has contact or pays CMS but I hope for his sake that he doesn't hurt his son or verbally abuse him, I think the sister can't stand him but maybe has to have him in her life for her son's sake.

Please ensure your sister doesn't get pregnant by this lowlife and try to get her away from him. Don't believe anything his says or his sob stories, this man had similar to say to us about his home life and it's all crocodile tears.

As pp's have said, there are lots of these types running around but the main thing is he doesn't harm your sister or her children. You see such awful stories on the news these days. Watch Murdered by My Boyfriend (BBC3) for starters. Not saying he's like that but I really wouldn't put it past a lot of people.

Oh jeez, I just saw, he's a charming bugger. They're the worst. The guy I mentioned was like that, charming, but I could see right through him.

Your sister may be outgoing, have a big personality and not put up with shit but I know several women and men exactly like her and they've been abused and beaten almost to death, one woman was even on a TV programme (This Morning) talking about her abusive ex-husband who jumped through a window to get to her.

I've had the displeasure of knowing a few Alans. He'll be handsome, and charming, his personality will fill and overwhelm any space, and his reformed bad boy persona will have your vulnerable sister smitten. Yes she might be gobby, but it sounds like shes been deeply affected by your childhood and that's why she can't make any sensible decisions when it comes to relationships. Keep her, and him, on side. Give no indication that you're on to him. Let him think you're under his spell too.

Bloody hell..

He sounds as dodgy as a nine bob note. YANBU.

Love this, you have really caught the Take a Break tone. Bit off-topic, but the best Take a Break headline I ever saw was "I gave birth in my leggings"

Exactly.

How could someone choose to step backs when kids might be in danger.

Crazy ex who stopped a man seeing his kids = 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 There may be an exception but I've yet to encounter it. Similarly a man who would move on and in so quickly. As others have said, best scenario is he's a CF, worst is far more serious.

He sounds dreamy...does he have a brother

This whole story has more red flags than a May Day parade in Communist China.

For some reason, the second sentence alone seems "just not right" and jumped right out at me:

Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing.

It is not normal to want to get in with a potential MIL -- unless you are a scheming kind who might need to get MIL on your side sometime in the future...

Well firstly, approximately 20% of the uk is believed to be neurodiverse so therefore it’s not a small proportion therefore it isn’t actually all that unlikely. I do agree that you shouldn’t just attribute everything to this though.

Secondly, I didn’t just say ND. I said mood disorder: the two aren’t the same.

As to why I specifically speculated on either of these - it wasn’t about her having a bad boyfriend. It was multiple things that her sister mentioned - talking incessantly, not realising that op is drained by it. Being addicted to drama. Making inappropriate decisions such as moving a man into her home with her daughters when she barely knows him. Other bad boyfriends. Op saying her and her mum worry about her. Saying she’s a party animal and will be up dancing on tables.

You can be lonely and get a bad boyfriend but when there are consistent patterns of reckless behaviour in more than just that area it’s usually because something deeper is going on.

Plus most people, no matter how lonely they are, put their kids first. Unless they’re plain old neglectful. But op is clearly level headed so it would be weird for her sister to have randomly been raised in such a way that she would be a neglectful mother herself.

🤷‍♀️

I’m dismayed by all the posters blaming the sister. Men like Alan are generally charming, manipulative, love bomb and so on. It is easy to see why someone might fall for them, especially if they have just come out of another relationship that didn’t make them feel good. I nearly fell for something similar myself. I did spot what was going on and managed to end it but it wasn’t easy and took a while to extricate myself.

@PollyOttle Do you write for take a break? 🤣 You possibly missed out the bit where she (or alternatively Alan) has now "met someone new" and has "moved on" but otherwise 10/10.

I think it's more the fact that the sister has moved him into the home she shares with her daughters, isn't it? And that she's moved men in before.

Moving in men you've only recently started dating, when you share the home with your children, is a concerning thing to do once let alone multiple times.

It's incredibly selfish and is absolutely not putting her daughters first in this at all.

if someone came on here saying a woman had 3 kids with 3 dads negatively, there would be uproar

Honestly, I'd be less than thrilled if my younger brother got involved with a woman who had three kids by three dads. I wouldn't say a word to him, because he's a grown man and it's not my place, but I'd be wary of her. If that makes me judgy - fine.

Oh christ, dont say that 😂😫

the best Take a Break headline I ever saw was "I gave birth in my leggings"

I'm sure I remember reading that when Kylie was on Neighbours in the 80s, her character Charlene gave birth without taking off her dungarees. Might be an urban legend, but if not, then you have to admit it's impressive.

Fair enough though I do think these type of men are incredibly manipulative, IME.

Nope Daphne who gave birth in her tights. Don’t think Charlene ever had a baby

Those men also tend to tell the stories of the crazy exes and not being allowed to see their kids as soon as the first date, at that point he doesn't have a chance to manipulate her and lovebomb her unless she's going to let him.

So there is a lot of ignoring of red flags going on and ignoring red flags is a choice.