To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I would step back and wait for it all to crumble. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

These stories also end with '2 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant by him'

And if it turns out he's a convicted paedophile who is not allowed to live with children? Or that he's been grooming and abusing the kids in their own home? Or puts the sister in hospital?

Too risky to sit back and wait. OP doesn't have to tell her sister she's applied for the checks. The police won't tell the sister who applied, and will only tell her about this man if she needs to know things to keep herself and her children safe.

Narcissists lve people like this. Because they are "Strong" and "independent" and "don't take shit", but actually, they do. But then, as the controlling and abusive behaviour starts, these women find it very difficult to acknowlege what's happening.

It's very unlikely you're going to be able to convince her. It's good that you see the red flags though. Be warned, the goal IS to separate her from you and your mum, even though on the surface he's being all super friendly. Don't let that happen.

You like him because he's charming. He won't always be this way. My ex is an Alan.

Also, the claire's law is a good idea, but I have experience of people like Alan and it's as likely, if not more likely, that the abuse was psychological rather than physical/sexual which is less likely to be part of such a disclosure.

The crazy ex wife and supposedly not being allowed to have contact is all pretty classic. It's actually far more likely that he doesn't want to have contact and is only making some effort currently because otherwise he'll look bad to your sister.

This....who moves a bloke in after a few weeks of meeting? Is her self esteem that bad? Bloody hell those poor girls, your sister is not thinking of her children at all, her needs and wants take priority over her daughters welfare it seems. Awful....

Unfortunately, OP's sister decided having a man in the house, any man, was more important than safeguarding her daughters. Hence the rapid move in ... and she wasn't at all concerned he'd gone from his ex's house to hers essentially and his 'address' for post is still his mother's.

Red flags all over the place from Mr Glib with a typical story blaming the exes for everything: crazy exes, mentally unwell exes, exes' fault he doesn't see his kids, etc. Throw in a gambling problem, cash in hand jobs only, arrears in child support (despite lying about it), only talks ad nauseum about himself and what he knows ...

At best, he's 'just' a narcissistic cocklodger who will bleed your sister dry.
At worse, he's a danger to OP's nieces.

While I would have zero sympathy for the outfall for OP's sister, I would be very worried for the welfare of OP's nieces.

This, 100%.

While I agree it's ridiculous that she even let the new man meet her children so quickly, let's be clear - she probably didn't "let" him move in. He's done it by stealth. Probablly with some sob story abotu his crazy ex taking away all his money, robbing him blind etc. or perhaps he has a room somewhere but he just "prefers" to live with her. It's ridiculous and horrible, but it's also very much part of the playbook. He plays the victim, she feels guilty, and lets him move in (or "stay"), probably with no financial contribution.

Of course women should have better boundaries than this. But as we're all brought up to "be kind" and to nurture men etc etc, it's not exactly surprising that some women don't have these boundaries. I know a woman who is STILL housing her ex, 2 years down the line and HER mother can't understand why she doesn't just toss the loser out.... probably because as far as I can tell, her entire family have, at various times, moved in with her (rent free) for months at a time and she's not allowed to complain. So why they think she's going to toss someone else out, is beyond me. THEY caused this.

Ah I know Alan really well. He is my dad. I met so many girlfriends growing up. He'd leave to live with them, do up their houses he looked great on paper this single dad being everyone's shining hero. Yet ask for a shred of accountability and it all starts crumbling. I've had tons of therapy since so I don't fall into the same trap with Men.

He will make you look like the crazy one. He will turn everyone else against you and you'll loose access to your sister and being a safe space for your nieces.

Keep Alan on side and fly under the radar. Start building your sister up and the girls. So you can help repair the damage when it all goes tits up.

Is there anyway you and her could do some family counselling together maybe? Or podcasts books something she could slowly start seeing all these red flags herself or work on her boundaries.

The moment she starts to put some healthy boundaries in place and expecting accountability from Alan his true colours will show. If she slows the relationship right down he moves outs etc he will hopefully show himself or get bored.

I've always thought my dad was a love addict he can't form real attachments because essentially any relationship is purely for his selfish needs. The High of the chase the fooling everyone the endless pursuits and projects always hurtling towards something anything that means he never has to stop and sit with his feelings choices who he is his actions.

So understanding your Alan will be key to smartly dealing with him.

If all else fails just let your sister know how much you love her and will always be there for her never judging her.

Saying that it isn't your job or responsibility to lead her life for her so please keep in mind your own mental wellbeing it can be very draining dealing with a Alan.

OP's sister decided having a man in the house, any man, was more important than safeguarding her daughters.

Yep and this happens a great deal unfortunately

From what I've seen women lap up these stories straight away even before feelings etc are involved. They just like the guy and don't care.

While he might go on to abuse and manipulate her, initially it's simply a case of not giving a shit if he's a dickhead to his exes and kids, they just like the guy and want to go along with it.

Guilt doesn't even come into play at that point, if she didn't like him she wouldn't go along with any of his nonsense.

He will make you look like the crazy one. He will turn everyone else against you and you'll loose access to your sister and being a safe space for your nieces.

Keep Alan on side and fly under the radar.

Yes to both of these points. ExBIL hates me with the fire of a thousand suns. I was the first one (and for a long time, the only one) who saw his behaviour for what it was. He blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and I'd say he's probably not entirely wrong.

In particular, I notice that in your posts you suggest that your sister has some challenges and behaviours that as a family you don't like. Be careful. This is part of how he will get his claws into her. In our case, PIL consistently ignored exBIL's poor behaviour in favour of agreeing that SIL had behaved badly. I had more than one argument with them about this and I am fairly certain that the turning point for her came after a fairly blunt and slightly heated discussion between me and MIL when I literally saw her have a lightbulb moment. Her attitude to exBIL changed after that and shortly after, so did FILs. And then, over the next year or two, SIL finally started to accept that maybe it wasn't all her fault (prior to this, any arguments would have her family being so busy seeing "both sides" that she always felt at least 50% responsible for any issues).

I understand what you're saying but I believe it's a LOT more complicated than that. They believe his stories. And it feeds into their own need to be seen as a saviour/nurturer/better women/whatever psychological damage of their own they're suffering from. OP has said that her father was abusive - they clearly carry some scars.

And believe me, guilt can come into play from very early. It's too outing if anyone who knows her is on here so I won't go into detail, but the woman I mentioned before had a moment very very early on in their relationship where he guilted her into something which even at the time, we all found a bit odd.

He basically made her feel so sorry for him that she did something that was 100% outside of what she was comfortable with or was appropriate. In retrospect, that was clearly one of his relatively early "tests" to see if he would be able to push her. And she passed/failed spectacularly, depending on your perspective. Sadly, while the rest of us clocked what had happened, we just thought she was a bit too soft hearted and it wasn't that big a deal. We had no idea what was coming.

If your "closeness" as a family is based on not being able to call out terrible behaviour when you see it, then it's time to upset the apple cart.

Keeping quiet only makes your sister think her dysfunctional behaviour is acceptable.

Saying nothing is doing everyone involved a huge disservice.

I have not RTFT but as others have said, there is now no legal aid for family court cases unless there has been domestic abuse...

Posted twice by mistake

Well apart from the builder but you could be describing my ex husband! When I met him he had been married twice to two women who were crazy and had cheated on him, and he didn't see his two children because they were crazy. Fast forward 10 years and he left me for someone else, and I am now the crazy ex who cheated on him. Which I didn't. And of course I know know his two ex's didn't either! You are right to be very wary, but I do wonder what you would do about it. I consider myself to be quite an independent woman, but I believed what my ex said hook line and sinker! And I expect his new partner also believes what he is saying now. What you don't want to do is alienate her. So don't talk at her especially if there is no actually outright 'evidence' now. Be an ear for your sister and her daughters and don't take what he says at face value.

@tesitwist I think you sound a bit judgemental. Everyones got a past. Including your sister. Its fine to be wary of someone, but at the same time just because you are close it doesn't give you the right to find out how hes contributing financially etc. Its odd people are saying hes a cocklodger, when you've said he didn't ask to move in, you dont know what he's contributing financially and hes doing people favours. I was quoted for a patio last year and it was 9k 🤷‍♀️ if someone came on here saying a woman had 3 kids with 3 dads negatively, there would be uproar. The not seeing one is a concern, but if your sister is ok with it and she seems to be then its not up to you to have a problem with it. We can't uphold everybody to our own standards.

I'm a solicitor and that's not true at all. She may just be on a low income. And even if it were you wouldn't need to prove the dv.

My friend did. He ripped her off and fleeced her. And his own mother. She still didn't kick him out. He left himself eventually when he found a more feathery nest.

I don't think you should approach his ex. She's probably going through some real shit of her own. Your sister is not her responsibility.

There are so many red flags Alan should have his own parade but here's one; Alan has surrounded himself with women. Ex wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, daughters and nieces.
Does he have any male friends?

Much of the time people believe it because they want to, it's not much different than women who end up being OW and go along with whatever narrative he's telling her, no matter how far fetched or obvious.

And often many of those women have no issue with cutting off men that they don't like....so it's not a 'soft-hearted' thing for most initially.

Me and a friend of mine would always discuss these exact red flags, men with crazy exes who don't see their kids...when she was dating she instantly dismissed the ones she didn't like who told those stories, but when she met one who she did like in person she happily went along with the narrative...within a few days.