To tell my mum she needs to tell me the full story or my cousin will be my MOH

[Asioella]

Hi all,
So I'm getting married next year, I've been back and forth on who will be my MOH between my cousin and a long time friend. My cousin and I grew up together, went to
School together you name it . We drifted around age 16 but message regularly, meet for lunch/brunch once a month or so etc.

My mum is one of 3 sisters, they were all very close, one aunt never had children the other is the mother of my cousin. My aunt who never had children passed away 2 and a bit years ago at just 60. She had married well and made alot of money in her life so her estate was large. Her husband had passed just 16 months earlier and had no relationship with his family. They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni. They loved us dearly. When she passed her estate which after IHT, gifts to charities and money for friends was left to be equally divided between me and my two cousins. It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London.
My parents were the worst off of the 3 sisters, a modest by nice house, mortgaged but certainly not the freedom the others had.
I believe my mum was expecting her sister's money to be split 50/50 to her and her sister rather than straight to my cousins and I. I think my mum believes that my aunt is the reason this happened and that some persuading may have happened as this split leaves her children much better off and my aunt is mortgage free with a holiday home so has no need for it.
Since my aunt passed my mum and other aunt haven't spoken at all. My mum is furious with her but won't tell me why she thinks persuasion happened and why it matters! My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.
I told my mum yesterday that I might ask my cousin to be my MOH and she told me if that happens she won't come to my wedding. I said I will need more info to make that decision but I love my cousin.

AIBU to think my mum is being a little crazy and unless she can give me more info to have my cousin as my MOH?

Regardless of what information she has you’d be ridiculous to not do what you want at your wedding. Your DM threatening not to go is abusive behaviour. Don’t engage with it.

Your aunt’s money was hers to leave, your mum had no rights to it. Your offer to gift her some is very generous. Get on with planning your wedding and your future and don’t get involved in something that will ruin your relationship with your cousin and possibly other family members. Leave that to your mum.

Your DM is being absolutely unreasonable to think she can command what happens on your wedding for reason of her own feud you know nothing about. Your life (and wedding) cannot be dictated by the arguments and resentments of ancestors.

Spend all the money your aunt gave you on a house. Your mother is being greedy and manipulative. This is why your aunt probably bypassed her. She wanted YOU to have the money not your parents.

Have a lovely wedding. I hope your cousin says yes to being MOH.

"That's your choice to make mother." And repeat as necessary.

Your wedding, have who you want. Unless aunt held a gun to other aunt's head to sway the will, I'd say your mother is being ridiculous. And money-hungry.

Have cousin as your MOH.

And keep your inheritance.

I agree with PP’s. Disagreements /fallings-out of previous generations don’t need to be perpetuated, you have your own good relationship with your cousin.

I’m currently building relationships with my cousins that were previously stymied by our parents. Just because they don’t get on doesn’t mean that we have to continue the rift.

Your mother is being very unreasonable in expecting you and your cousins to pay the price of some feud she won't even tell you about.

I do have some sympathy for her though - if she has always struggled a bit financially, to see 2/3 of the estate go to the other family, one that needed it less anyway, was probably a bit of a blow. I mean, she has no right to complain - people can leave money to whoever they like and it does rather sound like your aunt had an equally good relationship with all three of her nieces/nephews - but I can understand the hurt.

Keep your inheritance and have your cousin as you moh. Don't let your mum keep abusing you like this.

It a shame that people get so worked up like this over money. I don't see it as she favoured your aunts kids at all. You and your cousins are all individuals and she split it 3 ways evenly. If you had a sibling then it would have been split 4 ways.
I cant imagine fallout out with my sister over this. Really such a shame.

Your DM is being very selfish. I wonder if this behaviour will get worse as the wedding draws closer. Best to nip it in the bud now and firmly tell her that your cousin is being MOH unless you are given very good reason why she shouldn't. Give her a time limit - tell all by the end of April, or shut up and accept how it's going to be, kind of thing. The only kind way of dealing with a family wedding is to smile and nod, while your DM seems to be making a drama.

Your mum hasn't expanded because she knows it makes her sounds petty and grabby. She's bitter because the two cousins each got a share and she sees that as unfair as she only had one child. Totally pathetic, especially as you are not bitter.

Most parents would feel a sense of relief if a stroke of luck meant their kids were set up.

Have your cousin as MOH, she will have done nothing wrong (even if aunt did, which I doubt). Have a lovely wedding.

That's really odd. An aunt left her money equally to you and your two cousins, and instead of being happy that you got a third (instead of the whole lot going to a cat charity) she thinks you should have received half and your cousins a quarter each? That's bonkers. Don't you dare let your mother bully you into not having your cousin as moh, and don't you dare give your mother some of your inheritance!

so your mum thinks her sister bullied her other sister re the will, and now because your mum got nothing - she wants to punish you and your cousin !!!

does your mum not remember her sister didn't get anything ?

please make sure there is no money left over after buying and furnishing your house and after paying all the costs associated with buying a house, she doesn't deserve it

and your aunt whose money it was didn't want her to have it !!!

From what you’ve said, your mum sounds very entitled and grabby.

Maybe your Mum is correct that the deceased sister was manipulated by your cousins mother to ensure more of the estate was left to her family than to the OPs family. That type of shite happens all the time (and is happening in my Husbands family right now!) However the OPs Mum is being very unreasonable to bring her argument into her daughter's wedding. Thats not fair.

Honestly, there is no more info that you need! It doesn't matter if/why Aunt1 persuaded Aunt2 to leave her money to you and your cousin, because that wouldn't be any fault of your cousin.

Trying to say you can't have someone as your bridesmaid because your mum's fallen out with their mum is batshit and your mum is being awful about this.

It's very, very obvious that your mother is extremely bitter and resentful about the fact that she didn't get her hands on her sister's money, and that it went to you and your cousin instead. Threatening not to come to your wedding is vile and manipulative, and her assumption that she would get a big fat inheritance when her sister died was greedy and entitled of her.

I suspect that these character traits were the reason behind your aunt's decision to leave her money to you and your cousin instead of our mother, to be honest.

I'm also astonished that your mother is so bitter about a decision that massively benefited you, her own child. My mum's on pension credit, but if a relative left me half a million quid in their will or something, my mum would be absolutely delighted!

You shouldn’t be giving your mum any inheritance, it was left to you in good will and there’s a reason your aunt wanted the younger generation to benefit over her sisters.

People make all kinds of choices in life; what job they have, who they may married, if they have children and how they deal with money. Just because your mum made different choices to her sisters and ended up worse off financially compared to them doesn’t mean that’s anything to do with you or your cousins. It’s not for your mum to pass on her bitterness about her choices and relationships onto you.

Where is the line drawn, will she not come if your aunt and cousin attend, will she not meet any future grandchildren if they’ve met that side of the family, will she stop speaking to you if you inherit money from a partner, or get a well paid job? People who deal in ultimatums are generally best left to their threats and you live your life how YOU are happiest.

she thinks you should have received half and your cousins a quarter each?

The OP's post suggests that the OP's mum thinks her sister's money should have gone 50-50 to her (the OP's mum) and the OP's mum and the OP's mum's other sister. She's annoyed because it all went to the OP and her cousin.

You shouldn’t be giving your mum any inheritance, it was left to you in good will and there’s a reason your aunt wanted the younger generation to benefit over her sisters.

People make all kinds of choices in life; what job they have, who they may married, if they have children and how they deal with money. Just because your mum made different choices to her sisters and ended up worse off financially compared to them doesn’t mean that’s anything to do with you or your cousins. It’s not for your mum to pass on her bitterness about her choices and relationships onto you.

Where is the line drawn, will she not come if your aunt and cousin attend, will she not meet any future grandchildren if they’ve met that side of the family, will she stop speaking to you if you inherit money from a partner, or get a well paid job? People who deal in ultimatums are generally best left to their threats and you live your life how YOU are happiest.

You shouldn’t be giving your mum any inheritance, it was left to you in good will and there’s a reason your aunt wanted the younger generation to benefit over her sisters.

People make all kinds of choices in life; what job they have, who they may married, if they have children and how they deal with money. Just because your mum made different choices to her sisters and ended up worse off financially compared to them doesn’t mean that’s anything to do with you or your cousins. It’s not for your mum to pass on her bitterness about her choices and relationships onto you.

Where is the line drawn, will she not come if your aunt and cousin attend, will she not meet any future grandchildren if they’ve met that side of the family, will she stop speaking to you if you inherit money from a partner, or get a well paid job? People who deal in ultimatums are generally best left to their threats and you live your life how YOU are happiest.

My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.

Don't do this.

Your DM is being ridiculous.

It's your wedding, you choose who you want to be your MOH.

Which is also odd because inheritance usually filters down, not across.

This is very sad. You should have your cousin as MoH without being swayed by your mom and make it clear that you want her at the wedding but if she chooses not to come that’s her prerogative. Please don’t give into emotional blackmail. Congratulations on all the cash your upcoming wedding.

Your aunt's money is none of your mother's business, and she should be happy that her sister has ensured that you will have a solid foundation and safety net for the future.

I would not put up with any sort of blackmail from anybody OP, and your mother is emotionally blackmailing you on two points: firstly, so you give up a part of your inheritance, and secondly, so you destroy your nice and supportive relationship with the rest of your family. I would refuse to be drawn into either.

You do not have to take on your mother's grievances or her feuds: they are hers to deal with, and the fact that she would even entertain accepting her child's inheritance tells me she does not have your best interests at heart.

Keep your inheritance and keep your relationships with the rest of your family. Invite your mother to your wedding, and her decision to attend or not is hers to make.

Giving her money won’t make her happy op, her attitude will prevent it. Have your cousin as MOH and more fool her if she doesn’t want to come to her daughter’s wedding. And don’t bother giving her money, she will be ungrateful and bitter regardless.