To tell my mum she needs to tell me the full story or my cousin will be my MOH

[Asioella]

Hi all,
So I'm getting married next year, I've been back and forth on who will be my MOH between my cousin and a long time friend. My cousin and I grew up together, went to
School together you name it . We drifted around age 16 but message regularly, meet for lunch/brunch once a month or so etc.

My mum is one of 3 sisters, they were all very close, one aunt never had children the other is the mother of my cousin. My aunt who never had children passed away 2 and a bit years ago at just 60. She had married well and made alot of money in her life so her estate was large. Her husband had passed just 16 months earlier and had no relationship with his family. They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni. They loved us dearly. When she passed her estate which after IHT, gifts to charities and money for friends was left to be equally divided between me and my two cousins. It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London.
My parents were the worst off of the 3 sisters, a modest by nice house, mortgaged but certainly not the freedom the others had.
I believe my mum was expecting her sister's money to be split 50/50 to her and her sister rather than straight to my cousins and I. I think my mum believes that my aunt is the reason this happened and that some persuading may have happened as this split leaves her children much better off and my aunt is mortgage free with a holiday home so has no need for it.
Since my aunt passed my mum and other aunt haven't spoken at all. My mum is furious with her but won't tell me why she thinks persuasion happened and why it matters! My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.
I told my mum yesterday that I might ask my cousin to be my MOH and she told me if that happens she won't come to my wedding. I said I will need more info to make that decision but I love my cousin.

AIBU to think my mum is being a little crazy and unless she can give me more info to have my cousin as my MOH?

@ShortLivedComment Exactly. Even if something did happen between the sisters, it’s nothing to do with the cousin/the OP.

We have some financial resentments among the older members of our family. But it’s nothing to do with my generation, what’s done is done.

I'd want more infomation because in nosy BUT if your mother genuinely wouldn't come if that side if the familys there (& you love you mum)
I'd just ask my best friend instead

The only reply that would have gotten from me would have been an "OK, I'll not bother sending you an invite then?"

I can't stand people who try and blackmail me like that.

Even if you give way to your mother on the MoH choice is she going to be happy that your cousin is a bridesmaid or if you want to invite your aunt to the wedding? Are you happy that she will dictate your wedding guest list in this way? Your aunt who died had a choice how to leave her inheritance and obviously decided that a third to each niece/nephew was what they wanted, rather than half to each sister. This might have resulted in 50% to you and 25% to each of your cousins. Perhaps your cousin's mother pointed that out, perhaps your aunt worked it out for herself. It is a shame your mother is not acknowledging the very generous thing her sister did for you and being grateful for that.

@Asioella @ShortLivedComment your mum was probably always asking for loans (gifts) for this that and the next thing! your aunt most likely knew that you would not get much from your own parents so this is what she did. at least she made sure that you all got, unlike my mother who made sure that of three daughters, only one daughter got any inheritance when mum died, meaning the whole house right down to the last tin of beans in the cupboard!! your mum was likely entitled and grabby her whole life and i can assure she that she would have been jealous of her other two sisters who were more affluent than her!! @ShortLivedComment I know how you feel!!

Your mum is behaving appalingly. Dont give her your inheritance. They have a home, they are fine, why should they get to live their retirement fritering that money away when you can use it to make yours and any future children's lives easier. Honestly I think it's pretty disgraceful she'd begrudge you, her actual child, an easier start in life. I hat when parents resent their children for doing well.

Your aunt wanted to help the younger generation, not have her money pissed away by her sisters. If her other sister did bring this up and encourage it then she did right, it was a good decision.

Your mum is going to refuse to go to her daughters wedding over who the MOH is? That really says it all doesn't it. "Honeslty mum, if money is more important to you than going to your own daughter wedding that's your decision."

Hmm interesting - what is your relationship with you mum like otherwise? Is she generally a fair and reasonably person? Is it only if your cousin is MOH that your mum objects, is she fine with them being invited? I would have thought she wouldn't want cousin/aunt there at all based on what you have written. By the time you are inviting them, I don't see how it matters if cousin is MOH. Maybe she is just venting and will come round to the idea once she has calmed down?

Your mother is behaving like a spoiled brat. Don't pander to her.

Your mum is absolutely awful - do not give her any of your inheritance. Your aunt gave it to you and your cousins for a reason, she probably realised your grabby mother had assumed she’d be getting it.

Have whoever you like as bridesmaids too.

Essentially your mum wanted 50% to go to you and 50% to be shared between your other 2 cousins so they got 25% each? I find that unfair, this is an even split between you all. Your mother sounds grabby and deranged frankly, and as such I wouldn’t give her a cent. Your aunt meant for you to have the money so make the most of it yourself. Maybe shout your parents a nice vacation for a special anniversary or something if anything?

Is she allowing your Aunt to come to the wedding?

If I had been a child free Aunt who funded my nieces education would be logical to leave them my estate. Leaving more than a token amount to my sister's would never cross my mind.

Your aunt left your money to you (and your cousins). She did not leave it to your mother - presumably she had her reasons. Why are you giving up part of your inheritance to your mother. That money is security for you - it could pay in time for future children's education costs or urgent medical care or whatever. Remember your aunt knew very well what your mother was like.

Cousin as MOH. And keep your inheritance.

Don't reward your mother for behaving despicably.

Yep, don't give your DM money as you might well end up paying tax on it twice (well, the estates will have done). One of the reasons I might skip a generation is IHT, it was sound planning by your aunt, I think.

Simply say yo your mum "
"you are invited to my wedding, if you decide not to come for
Whatever reason then thats a shame but I won't be changing any of my plans"

Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

Your mum is the one throwing out ultimatums. I'd be inclined to tell her that it's her choice and you won't be blackmailed. If she wants money to ruin her relationship with her sister that's on her dont let it filter through the family.

Well your mum sounds a bit unhinged

I was once told when money comes in decency goes out the window It was your aunts decision to whom should inherit so therefore it's yours to keep and not your mums. I wouldn't give her anything and it's your wedding and you decide who is your MOH

Your mum sounds very bitter and seems to be playing some emotional blackmail game.

I certainly wouldn't be giving her any of the inheritance money and if you want your cousin as MOH then ask her. If your mum refuses to come to your wedding then that's her choice to cut off her nose to spite her face.

I'd speak to your cousin to see if they know what happened and why her mum and your mum are not speaking.

It's probably something to do with your aunt being in agreement that the money should be split between you and your two cousins (as per your other aunt's wishes) and your mum thinks her and her sister should have had a 50/50 split.

(As if it was a 50/50 split, you would then have inherited a bigger share eventually so perhaps your mum felt it was unfair that her sister's family got 66% and her family got 33%??)

I agree. Seems like your aunt had the measure of her.

YANBU, your mum is being crazy. It’s sad how inheritance can do this to people.

btw however much you give your mother it will never be enough ! you may have a lifetime of her comments re your house and how much it was etc etc etc

Your Aunt probably by-passed your "D"M because she didn't anticipate dying at such a young age. I presume the siblings are a similar age?
My will doesn't go to family, but mostly to children of my best friends - my friends are the same age as me and similarly affluent - why would they need it?

Your "D"M needs to grow up - in your position I'd go either very low contact or no contact - and if she tries to use not getting her own way as a bargaining tool again, just reply that it's fine, she can consider herself uninvited.

It sounds like your mother is resentful that her sisters 'side' got twice as much as her 'side' because of the number of children each of them had.

Something similar happened in my family over something much more trivial. My grandma died and my mother found some of her art work (she was talented) and gifted pieces of it to all the grandchildren. My aunt threw an enormous tantrum that nearly tore the family apart because she saw it as my mother gifting more of grandmas stuff to her own children (there were more of us) then aunts side of the family.

Naturally in the rants that followed all manner of childhood issues were mentioned as example of proof of lifelong selfishness and deliberate meaness from them being literally small children. These things flow very deep, mum and aunt were in their 60s at the time. Mum was so upset and baffled. There's not a mean bone in her body.

I don't think your Mum telling you anymore about what she thinks might, or might not have happened is important.

It is your wedding. Choose whoever you want to support you on the day.
Do not give in to your Mum's emotional blackmail. Just repeat, to her that if she chooses not to come, that would be her choice.

Even if she had a reasonable point about an inheritance argument (which I don't think she has, in my own personal opinion - very normal / sensible / expected that your Aunt and Uncle's money would go to the next generation of their family) - your Mum has no right whatsoever to bring that into your wedding planning. Do not give her any hint that you would even consider basing any decisions on her sulking.