To tell my mum she needs to tell me the full story or my cousin will be my MOH

[Asioella]

Hi all,
So I'm getting married next year, I've been back and forth on who will be my MOH between my cousin and a long time friend. My cousin and I grew up together, went to
School together you name it . We drifted around age 16 but message regularly, meet for lunch/brunch once a month or so etc.

My mum is one of 3 sisters, they were all very close, one aunt never had children the other is the mother of my cousin. My aunt who never had children passed away 2 and a bit years ago at just 60. She had married well and made alot of money in her life so her estate was large. Her husband had passed just 16 months earlier and had no relationship with his family. They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni. They loved us dearly. When she passed her estate which after IHT, gifts to charities and money for friends was left to be equally divided between me and my two cousins. It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London.
My parents were the worst off of the 3 sisters, a modest by nice house, mortgaged but certainly not the freedom the others had.
I believe my mum was expecting her sister's money to be split 50/50 to her and her sister rather than straight to my cousins and I. I think my mum believes that my aunt is the reason this happened and that some persuading may have happened as this split leaves her children much better off and my aunt is mortgage free with a holiday home so has no need for it.
Since my aunt passed my mum and other aunt haven't spoken at all. My mum is furious with her but won't tell me why she thinks persuasion happened and why it matters! My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.
I told my mum yesterday that I might ask my cousin to be my MOH and she told me if that happens she won't come to my wedding. I said I will need more info to make that decision but I love my cousin.

AIBU to think my mum is being a little crazy and unless she can give me more info to have my cousin as my MOH?

Your mother is being ridiculous and quite frankly nasty. When I die everything will go to my children whether I have £20 or £20 million. Your aunt obviously saw you as one of her children too which is lovely. If that were my daughter I’d be so chuffed for her. Don’t give your mum money. Your aunt left it to you. Don’t give in to her blackmail either.

What are u on about

Exactly. Everyone I know has left or plans to leave everything to their children. It wouldn’t occur to me to leave money to my adult siblings . It’s bonkers.

Are you on the wrong post or did you just not understand the OP?

I'm not sure there is a full story here OP, it sounds like your DM has made some stuff up in her head about the way it played out.

So yes you are right to ask your DM the question. Either way I would be having the wedding I want.
(In fairness though I wouldn't be getting married and won't get married due to assets)

I honestly can't imagine expecting an inheritance from a sibling and knowing that sibling had already paid for their neices education it's even more odd. Surely that tells you her priorities.

What does your Dad think @Asioella because mine wouldn't take the money you plan to give to your parents.

This is bonkers, who honestly expects to inherit from a sibling when there are younger nieces and nephews? That’s nuts! And begrudge your own children? WTF. Don’t give her any money and do what you want for your wedding!

You didn't say that, you said:

once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.

I think part of the confusion is that your mum and her surviving sister are the next of kin of your aunt who died. Obviously you don't have to name them as your beneficiaries but it is quite standard practice to name your next of kin in your will.

No one here knows the relationship that your mum has/had with her sisters, so it's not fair to call her selfish or grabby etc, maybe it's something that previously discussed and arranged, so I can understand her feeling like she's been left out.

It's your wedding and your relationship with your cousin. Whatever happened has nothing to do with your cousin either so your DM is punishing your cousin for something that may, or may not have happened between her and her sister.

Tbh your DM's behaviour and threat of not attending the wedding makes me think that it's your DM that has caused the rift with her behaviour rather than something one of your Aunts have done.

I'd simply say 'ok DM, that's your decision if you don't want to come to the wedding' and leave it there - she's shouldn't be trying to blackmail you into doing things

You poor thing what a situation for you to be in. Regardless of the mum and aunt issue, your aunt left her money to you and your cousin and that's neither of your fault.
If your mum has issues with her sister it's not your cousins fault.
I think that you should not give your parents any money you have left as it's your money and tbh it makes your mum seem quite grabby.
Surely she should be happy that he daughter is comfortable (I would be)
Don't feel any guilt and have who you want as your MOH, but most importantly enjoy your wedding xx

Which is also odd because inheritance usually filters down, not across.

I agree. I have a childless sibling, who has told us he is leaving his estate equally to his nieces and nephews, which makes sense. I only have two children and my sister has four, but DBro is a fantastic uncle and close to all of them. Treating them equally is as it should be.

OP: ignore all the posters going on about how the inheritance should have been split. The fact of the matter is that your aunt decided HER money would go where it has gone. That was her prerogative, and judging by your mum's reaction, she probably expected this behaviour so decided to just bypass the nonsense.

That is your money. Set yourself up and let your mum get on with it.

Inheritances seem to send people crazy-it's so bizarre. Some of my aunts and uncles had a lot to say when my dad died about who "should" have inherited from him. They were clearly expecting inheritances. The fact that he had three children and a grandchild was neither here nor there, the messages and pointed comments to us began shortly after his funeral.

There's nothing she can say about your cousins Mum which could be relevant to your decision. If your cousin herself had done something it might be relevant, but even if her sister did cheat her out of her inheritance that says nothing about your cousin and isn't her fault. We shouldn't punish people for the wrongs their parents committed or may have commited. Your cousin is responsible only for her own behaviour not her Mum's.

Why have you started it by saying about your school friend when you've ended it saying you've told your mother your cousin will be moh? I dont get what the moh position has to do with it, presumably if your friend was the moh then your cousin would still be a bridesmaid or guest and your mother would still have to face her?

How come you've said you've all been able to buy somewhere but then say you'll give your parents money when you've bought somewhere?

I'd tell her she's now not invited since she thinks she's in the position to lay down ultimatums and emotional blackmail.

I think part of the confusion is that your mum and her surviving sister are the next of kin of your aunt who died. Obviously you don't have to name them as your beneficiaries but it is quite standard practice to name your next of kin in your will.

If your next of kin is your spouse or child, yes. It’s less clear cut with siblings.

Sounds like she's blaming your cousin for something, likely the money because money brings out the worst in everyone

Even if your aunt had suggested bequeathing some of the estate to you and the cousin, it was still ultimately your late aunts decision.

Your mum is bitter she thought she was entitled to some of that inheritance which is crass and grabby. Feelings not to be encouraged or condoned as disrespectful to your late aunt who has been very generous to you.

Op speaking as a parent. I'd be so happy that my child has been given the money to set up home because as a parent that's usually something we want to do for our kids to make sure they are secure in life. One less job for us to do as parents id say. Your aunts money was never hers to spend in the sense most ppl don't receive inheritance from their siblings and with all due respect she can manage her own mortgage especially if its coming to an end. In addition to this if she has an issue with her own sister and feels her sister manipulated the situation for her own circumstances, that's fine , i can understand some sour grapes and to be fair we might all be able to understand that however that's between them as sisters and not the cousins. She should not be putting that on you. If it's so serious that there's a genuine reason your mum is upset with your cousin too then she needs to tell you not make threats about not coming to your wedding. As a mum there's no chance in hell I'm missing my daughters wedding so instead of making threats to you she needs to talk. I'm sure your mum doesn't mean it and she will of course come to your wedding but it's not nice to make you feel worried about it. Good luck op. I'm sure it will be ok.

That’s what I mean, with no parents spouse or children your next of kin are legally your siblings.. maybe the mum assumed and is having a hard time coming to term with the fact that everyone else in the family is now ridiculously rich and they are still nose to the grindstone.

It’s not logical and it’s not reasonable but to be honest I defy anyone to not feel at least a path of jealousy/upset as to how it’s played out.. it’s not a reason not to go to your daughters wedding though!

in OPs shoes I would have given some money to my parents though, not make them wait to see what scraps are left at the end of my mega spending spree, but each to their own.

Forget the money. If you want your cousin to be MOH on your special day then go with that choice- it's your wedding, hopefully it will be the only one you ever have and every decision regarding the wedding is between you and your husband to be, no one else.

Regarding the money - unless your mother was a full time carer for her or something like that I'm not sure why she feels entitled to her sister and her husbands money but if it was me I would have been so happy that she chose to help my child out (which is a way of helping her line of the family out). It's nice that you would offer your parents some of it once you are settled but you don't have to and tbh if my mother acted out like this I'm not sure I would bother. Either way good luck with your wedding, I hope you have a glorious day with no family drama. X

OP, ignore Daoine whose comment smacks of jealousy. You haven’t been handed an easy life on a platter. Your aunt was entitled to leave her money to whomsoever she chose to, and perhaps your mother’s behaviour since her death is why she wasn’t a beneficiary.

Wow your mother is a piece of work isn’t she. Don’t give her any money, she’s not entitled to it, it’s shocking and grabby that she’s behaving like this.

get your cousin to be moh, let your mother make her own decisions, and don’t let her greed ruin your relationships and ignore anyone being grabby on her behalf, she was not entitled to her sisters money.

I think its purely that she did not expect to die before her sisters and therefore was passing it on to the net generation.

Please tell your mum this so she is not over thinking and in pain for no good reason.

I am sure your wedding will be fine and she is being emotional after her sister dying which is very understandable.

You are very kind to share some of your good fortune with her xxx

Why would your mums DS leave money to her sisters rather than the kids.

mine wouldn’t. Regardless of the financial situations of her DS. The money is between the kids.

and wrong for your DM to take it out on the cousins.