To tell my mum she needs to tell me the full story or my cousin will be my MOH

[Asioella]

Hi all,
So I'm getting married next year, I've been back and forth on who will be my MOH between my cousin and a long time friend. My cousin and I grew up together, went to
School together you name it . We drifted around age 16 but message regularly, meet for lunch/brunch once a month or so etc.

My mum is one of 3 sisters, they were all very close, one aunt never had children the other is the mother of my cousin. My aunt who never had children passed away 2 and a bit years ago at just 60. She had married well and made alot of money in her life so her estate was large. Her husband had passed just 16 months earlier and had no relationship with his family. They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni. They loved us dearly. When she passed her estate which after IHT, gifts to charities and money for friends was left to be equally divided between me and my two cousins. It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London.
My parents were the worst off of the 3 sisters, a modest by nice house, mortgaged but certainly not the freedom the others had.
I believe my mum was expecting her sister's money to be split 50/50 to her and her sister rather than straight to my cousins and I. I think my mum believes that my aunt is the reason this happened and that some persuading may have happened as this split leaves her children much better off and my aunt is mortgage free with a holiday home so has no need for it.
Since my aunt passed my mum and other aunt haven't spoken at all. My mum is furious with her but won't tell me why she thinks persuasion happened and why it matters! My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.
I told my mum yesterday that I might ask my cousin to be my MOH and she told me if that happens she won't come to my wedding. I said I will need more info to make that decision but I love my cousin.

AIBU to think my mum is being a little crazy and unless she can give me more info to have my cousin as my MOH?

Surely, given that you are getting married, you are an adult, so please behave like one rather than stropping like a toddler to get something.

Trying to say you can't have someone as your bridesmaid because your mum's fallen out with their mum is batshit and your mum is being awful about this.

This is all you need to think about, to be honest. Forget the inheritance issues.

Your mother is an awful person and you would be a fool to “gift” your inheritance back to her.
like…. Absolutely stupid. from a tax POV it’s nuts

I’ve just completed a will and it all goes to my toddler daughter. It’s stipulated that should anything happen to her(touch wood) it goes to my niece and nephew equally. Why would I give it to my brother?

Presumably that was the aunts choice. I am not sure how she thought the sister manipulated her but I would not be blackmailed. If you get on well with your cousin and presumably your aunt then I would not let your DMs jealousy and entitledness affect your decision as to who is MOH, I also would not give her a penny. If her sister wanted her to get half her estate she would have put it in her will.

your mother seems bitter and jealous of you. have your cousin as your MOH and if your mother doesn't like it tell her don't bother coming.

This is like a combination of two past threads. The one where the only child who spent time with her aunt inherited £1m and even after giving some to her parents and siblings they were still pisses off.
And
The one where the bride wanted her cousins children to be flower girls rather than her HTB nieces.

If your mother is really going to be that bloody stubborn then sod her. She should be happy for you and nothing else.

My mother was a bit like this when l was getting married. Everything we chose (church/reception venue/evening venue), she had a problem with. For no sensible reason that we could see.

She actually said "Well l might not be there. I might not be well," when the penny dropped that we were doing it our way (we were paying for our wedding, besides the daytime meal) and we weren't going to pander to her.
My husband to be played a blinder. He said "Ah, that's a shame. But you'll see the photos after."
We did it our way, and she was there.
It's your wedding, OP. You do it your way. I hope you have a wonderful day x

It doesn't matter what your mum thinks went on between your two aunts. You love your cousin and want her to be MOH. Job done.

To be honest OP it sounds like there is more of an issue with your mum and her sister than just this inheritance. If there's underlying resentment between siblings then this sort of thing can really bring everything to the surface. Sibling rivalry and jealousy can really effect some people, they can 100% be a victim of their upbringing and it's not necessarily their fault, so you can't just assume it's jealousy, it could be another in a long line of incidents where she has been completed disregarded, but she's taking it out on the wrong person, your auntie who died obviously had her reasons for splitting things the way she did.

I wouldn't get angry at your mum about it but you need to make it clear that you're not prepared to carry on her feud with her sister as you don't feel like it's your fight, you need to understand her point of view and she definitely needs to understand your point of view, it would be sad to carry this on any further.

Also, I know everyone has different feelings about this, and your relationship with your mum may be completely different, but I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't give a chunk of that money to my mum anyway, she struggled to raise us and very often went without so we could have everything we needed, all because of circumstances outside of her control, she scrimped and saved her whole life so she could enjoy her retirement and she died at 60 before she even got there..

If I had inherited or won a life changing amount like this (London property money) I would have paid off her mortgage as my first port of call, not offered to throw her a bone if I have any money left at the end of my big spending spree.

This message entirely.
If i’d got that life changing sum and knew my parents had scrimped most of their lives I’d have split it 50/50 with them. Actually even if I didn’t think they’d scrimped I would have had a conversation about now much they’d need. If you have a healthy deposit and then have to get a mortgage so be it.
I elect your mum will go to the wedding no matter what but she sounds very hurt so a conversation about it all may help. I hope you’re paying for your own wedding out of all this money?

Oh I hate what death and inheritance does to family's! People should never think you are entitled to anything off your family members, it's there money so they can do whatever they want. Even though that might sting a bit! She had her reasons. If your mum is threatening not to come to your wedding because of your choice of moh she definitely sounds like the issue doesn't she. Maybe her being difficult is the reason she got nothing? Hope it works out for you

If you want your cousin to be your MOH then don’t let this cloud your decision. Even if your aunt did as your mother is saying persuade the other aunt, this has nothing to do with your cousin unless she has been involved with something. Don’t let their falling out ruin your relationship with your cousin.

This is emotional blackmail and, if you are correct about the issue between your mother and Aunt, not your problem. If everything was ok and your cousin is your choice, then my advice would be to tell your mother that the relationship with her sister has nothing to do with how you feel about your cousin. If she cannot accept that and will not come to your wedding, then that's her choice. There are other choices she could make, but it's entirely up to her. Also tell her how sad that will make you, but you're not going to be made to choose between your mother and your (sister) cousin. You want both at your wedding and in your life.

And do not, under any circumstances, give her more money than £1k or so to pay for some 'fun', not sit in a bank account.

Came to write this too, as PP said, don't do this

Sadly, your aunt died so young. Is it possible that she made her will imagining that she and her sisters would live til their late 80s in which case leaving it to the younger generation rather than siblings would have been the obvious choice?

I would talk to your Mum about this. Did she grieve her sister? Is she usually so money orientated? My sister has no kids and if she has a will I would expect it to be left to nieces and nephews, not me, but my main focus would be the loss of my sister of she died in her 60s.

I would also make all my decisions based on relationships, not transactional stuff. Have both your cousin and your friend, in different or shared equal roles, you don’t have to stick to fusty tradition. And offer your parents money as you choose and if you can afford it. But do nothing as a result of guilt tripping or emotional blackmail.

I would say to your Mum, if it is what you choose to do, that you pay off their mortgage simply because you want to, nothing to do with d scores or righting perceived wrongs. And you will include your cousin for the same simple reason: you love her.

If your Mum cuts off her nose to spite her face; her choice.

I can understand your DMs feelings TBH. Yes, your aunt was entitled to leave her money to whomever she wanted to, but in doing so it has caused a massive rift in the family. In bypassing her siblings, there’s now an element of financial difference between the 2 remaining sisters, and also yourself and your cousin. Your DM has ended up being the ‘poor relation’ of the family. That must hurt.
You know that she has fallen out with her sister, and yet you still want your cousins to be MOH even though you have a close friend who could fulfil that role perfectly well.
The question to ask yourself is, are you prepared to completely fall out with your DM? Only you can answer that. Expecting your Dm to go into the ins and outs of the situation is unfair. There could be all sorts of reasons behind why she feels as she does.

She’s being ridiculous, you want your cousin, with whom who have your own relationship, as MOH. Your mother doesn’t want this because of her feud with her sister. Apart from the fact that everyone is related, there’s no crossover here.

Please make your cousin MOH. Don’t be dictated to by your mum. If she’s doesn’t want to come that’s her choice.

Agreed with others that you should keep your cousin as your MoH if that is who you'd like in the role.

As for the inheritance, I'm also the "childless aunt" and my will has my money going to my niece and nephew - not my brother (or father). The only comment my brother made was that I should, in no way, try to "save" money to be able to pass down to the kids. Absolutely no thought from either my brother or my father that they were upset that my will skips them. And, yes, if I were to die in the near future (there is no reason to think I will, but if), the kids would get a sizable chunk of money when they come of age (they are still kids, and my will has stipulations as to when they can access the money).

That woman would not be getting a penny out of me, and would not be invited to my wedding.

But surely if it was just split equally between the cousins, no manipulation would be necessary? It would be far less fair in my view to split it 50-50 between the two sets of cousins.

"It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London." and "They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni."

Well you have been lucky enough to have a very easy life handed to you on a platter and you still haven't thrown your parents a few quid out of your windfall, greedy guts.

Sadly, your aunt died so young. Is it possible that she made her will imagining that she and her sisters would live til their late 80s in which case leaving it to the younger generation rather than siblings would have been the obvious choice?

This was my first thought too. My will bypasses my sister and leaves everything to her daughter - not because of any issue with my sister, but because it’s practical. Barring a sudden accident or life-changing illness, we’ll probably die a few years apart. If she outlived me by three years (our age gap), all that would happen is that her daughter would get that money anyway, but with a significant chunk gone on inheritance tax. My way means it’s only taxed once.

Did you read the part where I said I'd give them everything left?

It's also important to note my parents aren't struggling on the breadline, they have a much nicer life than most will ever have!!