In laws and baby's first steps

[Timeforsomecoffee]

First of all, there is a huge back story anyway.

But my question is, if you were a mil/fil, would you have done this?

Baby close to taking his first steps but hadn't done it yet. Mil and fil had been banging on for ages about how we needed to get him walking, he should be walking by now bla bla bla. Doing the arm dangling thing every time we saw them.

Baby was 13 months and standing independently so well on track with his development.

On a visit they decided to stand him between them, coaxing him between them (while I was gone to the toilet) then when I and back announced proudly that he'd taken his first steps.

A nursery staff member told me once that a baby’s first steps are the ones the parents witness which made me laugh (and was true).

I spent pretty much 24 hours a day with the kids. It was the pandemic so I was always with the kids.

DH comes home from work and I nipped to the loo and DC2 took his first steps.

I cried for half an hour!

It just happened so when it was actively encourage behind your back I'd be so hurt!

It's disrespectful

There are bigger things in life to be upset about.
RBH, I dont see it as a problem

I’d be so angry. That’s your joy to watch your baby take their first steps! At 13 months they’re generally still crushing around furniture and more confident crawling! They shouldn’t have forced it on you or your baby. They take those first wobbly steps solo!

It’s just one of many stages of a child’s development. Do people really get so precious about it? I have no memory at all of either of my children’s first steps and would’ve just been pleased that it had happened.

Right. So patronising. Also I would want to know these things about my child. I hate the idea that the nursery would know something important about their capabilities/ development and keep it from me- their mother!!!

DS was in a range of childcare setting (childminder, nursery) at that age, and I would have thought everyone had lost their minds if they’d started hinting that some apocalyptic importance in my child’s development was about to occur.

Those saying it is patronising of nurseries, do you think the grandparents on here who haven't told the parents that grandchild did their first steps with them, are being patronising too?

Your pil sound very petty. What did your Dh say about them?

My dd has LD which also affected her physical development and didn't walk until she was almost 5. Her older cousins were walking her round the garden one on each side (which they did every time they visited). I was out at work and got an excited text saying she was walking around the garden independently. When I got home there she was! Bumbling around the house on her own two feet.

I did not care one jot that I'd missed the first ones and that's the honest truth.

I think you’re being a bit precious.

Yes

No I wouldn’t do that.

Surely the joy of being grandparents is that you don’t have to be the ones to worry about the developmental shit that you do when you’re a parent? You get to see the baby and just do the fun stuff and not the learning stuff.

I remember panicking because at 15mo DD still wasn’t even crawling (she actually walked before she crawled). Her talking was amazing and she could say small sentences but she just sat there like a potato and bum shuffled as a means of getting about. I was so stressed about it, and then one day she just started strutting around like she’d been doing it all her life 🤣 but when I’m a GP I’ll be relieved that won’t be something for me to stress about anymore!

Totally agree. I find it very odd behaviour. I was there for our youngest first steps due to lock down but neither of the older two.

I think in this instance theres more to the story and theres on going issues with the inlaws but calling a nursery shit because theyve given you a truthful update is weird 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh dear in laws in trouble again!
What if it had been your own parents or a friend would you still be complaining?
Why take it as an insult, you could just be thrilled to bits and be happy with them.

They didn’t do anything wrong by engaging with the baby and encouraging him to walk, but it sounds like they could have been more tactful and this is only a problem because of other issues.

I can see why you think it's a bit off as you have issues with your IL's but, on the other hand, it's not something that would bother me otherwise. IIRC DD took hers when my mum was looking after her one afternoon as I got DSD from school.

yes!
id find it bizarre if my mum witnessed my baby walking and didn’t tell me in case it hurt my feelings.

Yes, of course it's a dick move.

It's also petty and inconsequential. Unless a parent is with the baby 24/7 it's likely no one will be entirely certain when the first steps took place. My DC10 never crawled: went straight from 'commando' crawling to cruising around furniture and walking holding hands. At some point he let go and walked alone, but exactly when this was I couldn't say, and we now don't remember. It does matter, very much, at the time these important milestones take place, but it won't a few years down the line.

For this reason I wouldn't be keen on the greatly reduced contact recommended by a PP upthread for this alone. It's annoying as hell, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. However, I'd be watching out for a pattern of competitiveness or undermining my parenting, which the first line of your post tends to suggest is happening. That puts a different slant on things, and if this is consistent I'd likely put a lot more distance and stronger boundaries in place.

If it's any comfort, if this is how your in-laws achieve their validation it's really rather pathetic. IME, grandparents and parents alike would have much happier lives if the former accepted that a) it's a pointless battle, and b) it's one they can't win.

You will always be Mum. Nothing they can do will change that.

I can’t believe how many posters are failing to see this very obvious distinction. That, and the fact that in-laws saying “why isn’t he walking yet? He ought to be walking by now” for months throws an entirely different light over the whole thing. Anyone congratulating themselves for not minding missing their own children’s first steps is really missing the point here.

Exactly. Their nonsense does not take anything away from you and your relationship with your baby. His first steps will be when he takes them independently, not tottering between to adults who are pushing him.

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re a pair of insufferable know alls who find it difficult to keep their unwanted and unwarranted opinions to themselves. OP has said there’s a backstory and that FIL is overbearing, so I think it’s very possible that this was a deliberate effort to undermine OP - and clearly not for the first time. That being the case it’s a shitty thing to do, and a clear indication that they won’t hesitate to interfere in future. I’d be limiting contact and telling them why.

Oh for heaven's sake, why is everyone being so precious about first steps? Yes, it's lovely, but kids will do this when they do it. I don't think your PILs did anything wrong. Possibly mildly annoying, but you could have been doing this with him yourself.

You sound like one of the nicest people on mumsnet

OP posted there was a backstory and that they have form for this kind of thing. But despite that you reached for a way to blame her. Well done.