In laws and baby's first steps

[Timeforsomecoffee]

First of all, there is a huge back story anyway.

But my question is, if you were a mil/fil, would you have done this?

Baby close to taking his first steps but hadn't done it yet. Mil and fil had been banging on for ages about how we needed to get him walking, he should be walking by now bla bla bla. Doing the arm dangling thing every time we saw them.

Baby was 13 months and standing independently so well on track with his development.

On a visit they decided to stand him between them, coaxing him between them (while I was gone to the toilet) then when I and back announced proudly that he'd taken his first steps.

@Oaktree55 as many posters have said nurseries will give a big hint that first steps are imminent so parents know to look out for it. And parents would be telling nursery if DC has taken their first steps.

DS took his first steps at nursery, luckily we were there to see it, as we were dropping him off, and he normally crawled over to his key worker, and that day he got up off the floor and just walked over to her!

My MIL would do this. Tried it with every first. Even took DS for his first drive without a car seat without telling us (wasn't happy about the no car seat).

She didn't really get the firsts, though. They were forced & or imagined. MIL & FIL had form for boundary overstepping & nastiness. It never crossed their minds that was supposed to be our joy. She just wanted it all & to gloat openly to me. I used to say 'oh, no! They've done that plenty of times!' Then remembered to stay LC.

@UnNiddeRides do you think the OP had done nothing to encourage their toddler to walk, and it was only because of what the GPs did that gave him that sudden knowledge how to do it.

If I was a mother in law or grandparent or ‘older.’ I would only visit when asked, only speak when specifically addressed and even then I’d confine my conversation to compliments or comments that validate and reassure my in laws.

To save my in laws the burden of dealing with my ‘estate’ I would leave everything to a charity that exists to promote resilience and tolerance.

Where I work we don't tell parents if their child starts walking as for a lot of parents it's an important step.
I really doubt he walked in that period of time. Think they're just being dicks.

~@crumblingschools it's not acceptable to lie by omission where young children are concerned and when professional bodies are involved eg childcare. It's not ok for reporting to be subjective as judged to be kind or whatever the motivation. Where young children (all children) are concerned there must always be accurate reporting otherwise there is no trust. So shocked this is not an obvious given!

as many posters have said nurseries will give a big hint that first steps are imminent so parents know to look out for it.
And people don't find that massively patronising? The whole "wink wink widget nudge your child did actually walk but we're not saying that but if you read between the lines she actually did but you aren't adult enough to cope with that so we'll play a weird game"

Just bizarre.

If nothing else it's a massive safeguarding flag. Imagine less experienced staff working in a culture of "oh some things we don't mention because it might upset the parents" etc. It just cultivates a toxic environment. Now most in childcare won't ever commit crimes etc but there is abuse that does rarely happen in these settings. It is insane that this is being chatted about as normal on here. Even red flags about a child being abused at home would be missed because "don't upset them" Yes maybe relatives stretching the truth but professional childcarers........jeez!!!

I guess it also depends on what the definition of first steps are. If the gap between MIL and FIL was very small when they did the encouraging to walk, was it more the momentum of one of them pushing the baby between them, rather than actual independent steps.

DS before he was walking stood up and wobbled and technically moved feet and we got excited that he had done his first steps. But then he reverted back to crawling and didn’t do any more ‘walking’ until the day he walked confidently over to his key worker in nursery.

I am sure nursery would eventually say something to parents if a child in their care was confidently striding around the nursery and the parents hadn’t said anything about first steps, after nursery had hinted that steps were imminent. The assumption would be that baby would do steps that evening or the next day at home and parents would come in saying they had walked.

Not telling parents their little one had taken a few wobbly steps is not the same as a nursery not telling a parent that their child had an allergic to something for the first time, other health concerns or safeguarding concerns

DGD took her first few steps when I was babysitting. I never let on. Some things should be precious memories for the parents.

I worked in childcare for many years. Countless children took their first steps/crawl/first tooth broke through/first words in front of me. I always kept quiet and when the parents announced on a Monday “wow you’ll never guess what, he started crawling over the weekend” and I would join in their joy and say that’s amazing….. whilst choosing to keep my mouth closed about the fact I saw him do it on Thursday and Friday last week. You never take those first milestones away from the parents.

They were dickheads to announce he took his first steps while you were out the room. They weren’t inappropriate to set up a situation where he could practice between them, ideally when you were in the room. but definitely when you walked back in the room they should have said “hey quick come join in, let’s see if he can have a go at walking, I think he’s close to doing it.”

Its certainly not good for the childs muscular developmnet if they push them to walk before they can do it by themselves.

I worked in childcare for many years. Countless children took their first steps/crawl/first tooth broke through/first words in front of me. I always kept quiet and when the parents announced on a Monday “wow you’ll never guess what, he started crawling over the weekend” and I would join in their joy and say that’s amazing….. whilst choosing to keep my mouth closed about the fact I saw him do it on Thursday and Friday last week. You never take those first milestones away from the parents
What about if I'd been one of your parents who specifically requested not to be lied to and to be told about any of these things happening? Would you have done so? I'd have been so embarrassed if I'd found out I was being treated like that.

You’ve exactly illustrated my concern. You’ve decided an important developmental milestone is not important to report. There should be no room for subjective honesty in professional childcare situations. It is unprofessional and destroys trust.

They are either lying or what he actually did was fall from the arms of one into the arms of the other while moving his feet across the floor which some people try to pass off as first steps.
Ignore them. Once he is properly walking he’ll be properly walking and you won’t be able to stop him. First steps aren’t just some fluke.
My daughter took her first steps at nursery. I made a big fuss of her when I found out and did the same when she did it for dad and I, it was no less special

Thanks. It was the bald ‘Why are in laws such c*s’ I find disgusting.

OP I really feel for you. I had similar experiences with my PIL. Now we are NC because of their constant demands and comments and unwanted advise on how to care for my child. It was very annoying and stressful.

They were really nice until I gave birth and then everything changed as if it was their child and they just had to have the control over everything.

No advise unfortunately as in our instance we couldn't find a middle ground as my mil turned out to be a hopeless narcissist and wouldn't compromise and would blame us every time we try to discuss the issues we had.

Any get over the FiL walking and being potty trained at 9 months 😆.
I bet he was bringing home a wage at 2.

My youngest stood up and walked across the room at 11 months. He had never cruised at all. It was mind blowing 😂 And he was always with me, no outside care at all.

Mil tried this with both of ours. What was equally annoying was her repeatedly calling their names over and over again in a high pitched voice for her entire visit. She used to come while I was at work sometimes and I was really worried that I'd miss it but luckily I didn't. Missing it because of daycare etc is one thing but to deliberately try and make a parent miss it is a really thoughtless/mean thing to do. It's obviously a massive milestone to a lot of people, everyone knows that

This sounds like something my in laws would do. Frustrating.

the first time you see him walk will be the special moment, get your camera ready so when he’s older he knows this as the first time he walked.

That you fight about this beggars belief.The competition is insane.and yet no one thinks it abnormal.I guess the hunter gatherers and no they didn't live in nuclear families...would have been pleased to see a baby take its first steps but.. this?

Some advice from a 50+ mum who has very overbearing in-laws who criticise, try and take over precious moments and are controlling. Most of these were learnt on MN over the years to my dilemmas with them;

1)Always offer people like this a fait accompli

For those not in the know, "a fait accompli is a French phrase commonly used to describe an action that is completed before those affected by it are in a position to query or reverse it". So, never consult, never ask advice, never explain. Just do it, then let them know afterwards.

2. Head them off at the pass. For example, now that your DC is cruising (crawling, pulling up, and near their first steps) you might want to get them a pair of first shoes. If they have DC on their own I'd be a bit wary that your PIL will be setting up an appointment at Clarks when you are not around. My MIL would have done this, given half the chance. Heading them off at the pass is tiring, but it was worth it for me. Get out your diary and see when there are opportunities for them to take over and interfere, and book it out!

3. Learn to zone out. Even if you are not. My PIL often talk about things, start stories that are indirectly aimed at me, but they don't have the balls to say it directly. So it will be things like, "oh Peter, did you hear what Barbara's DIL said? Isn't she awful. I told Barbara, I'd tell her to get out of my house". When they do this, I stare out the window and miss the cues for me to join in, or comment, and they can see that I wasn't listening. Or, I get up and go to the toilet. After all, they aren't speaking to me - right? As soon as I leave, they stop the conversation.

4. Have phrases that you use to respond to them. Things like, "Do they", "oh, that's nice", "oh, really", "You walked as soon as you came out the womb, oh that's nice, anyone want a cup of tea?" and "well, everyone has different ways of doing things don't they?" Smile and nod, then do whatever you want.

My MIL is currently not speaking to my DH because we had a bit of good news, and she wasn't called up immediately to tell. We waited till the next day. The silent treatment is one of her many punishments. Over the years I have tried and successfully got to a place where I just don't care. They can say what they like, do what they like, and I just don't care, so it doesn't affect me.

My sil did this to her own daughter, my niece, but my niece didn’t care as long as the baby was progressing and happy.

I did exactly the same. Wouldn't have taken that moment from his mum and dad for all the world