In laws and baby's first steps

[Timeforsomecoffee]

First of all, there is a huge back story anyway.

But my question is, if you were a mil/fil, would you have done this?

Baby close to taking his first steps but hadn't done it yet. Mil and fil had been banging on for ages about how we needed to get him walking, he should be walking by now bla bla bla. Doing the arm dangling thing every time we saw them.

Baby was 13 months and standing independently so well on track with his development.

On a visit they decided to stand him between them, coaxing him between them (while I was gone to the toilet) then when I and back announced proudly that he'd taken his first steps.

Lying by omission is still lying. Especially in the context of the handover when they usually say something like "she had a good nap for an hour today and ate two helpings of lunch and had a lovely time in the sand pit" but then deliberately end it there without saying "and she took 5 steps across the room". How can anyone not think that's weird?

Especially as apparently it's common practice for nurseries to say all of that and deliberately say "and she looks like she might be ready to walk soon" as a hint to parents that they should look out for walking as it has actually already happened.

I’m leaving this now as it’s just too depressing and shocking. Most would prefer to know their v young children were in an environment where there was 100% open and honest communication and the child’s needs were paramount. Not an environment that lies dependent on the staff’s subjective view as to what was appropriate to report for fear of upsetting a parent.

How is it lying? It’s just not mentioning it. It would only be lying if the walking (or lack of it) was part of a wider medical issue or if the parent had specifically asked to be told that information.

Personally for me the first year of motherhood was gruelling and exhausting with a non sleeping Velcro baby and PND. His first steps were an absolute highlight for me, as is for many mums and dads who put in all the intense work in those first couple of years without much feedback other than tears and laughing.

First steps aren’t as much as a milestone to anyone else that witnesses a baby’s first steps so why take that highlight from the parents? It’s called being emotionally aware as a childcare provider, not lying.

How can your child never have taken first steps? At some point he walked independently for the first time - those were his first steps. You may not have cared but he still took them!

@Oaktree55 would you refuse to let grandparents look after grandchildren again if they didn’t tell mum and dad that little one had taken first steps when they were looking after them? After all you need to trust them too

@Oaktree55 Did you mean to tag me? I was referring to my granddaughter if she were in my care and took her first, long awaited steps. I am not a professional, I am a granny who loves her son and daughter in law and wouldn't want to take the joy of any 'firsts' away from them.

Things like first steps, first words aren't important to me but I know they mean a lot to my kids.

And the sportiest person I know was a relatively late walker. The earliest walker I know of ( it was actually 9 months like op’s super-FIL) did not distinguish themself in a physical sense at all and has now needs a hip op and can hardly stagger so it honestly means very little.

Some people in my grandmother’s generation had a fear that walking too soon actually damaged the hips/ caused bow-leggedness. Whether or not there is any basis for this I have no idea; but the point really is it hasn’t always been considered a great thing.

And of course the old Einstein didn’t speak till he was 4 story.

These early milestones come when they come and signify very little - other than categorically confirming they will get there.

A small percentage of children never do get there and the banging on about “ when they did it” by other parents must be the most infuriating thing in the world.

I don’t think any sane person seriously thinks an early walker will become a great athlete or an early talker is a genius. What I don’t really understand on this thread is parents giving those milestones no emotional significance at all.

I’m a teacher and I was talking to one of my classes a while back about their first words. Not one of them knew how old they were when they’d first spoken, but one girl said that her mum didn’t know what her first word was, and the sadness in her voice was obvious.

@Oaktree55 the EYFS guidelines for recording every detail has been changed

What I don’t really understand on this thread is parents giving those milestones no emotional significance at all.
It's not not giving them emotional significance at all. Just that some of us are capable of being really excited about the milestone being reached without needing to have witnessed it and consider the second time a child walks, probably only hours after the first time, to be just as exciting.

Oh just to clarify I wasn’t saying they didn’t matter to parents to be there/ enjoy them . I was more thinking of the IL’s and their obsession with “ bringing the child on.”

If you are/were a grandparent. You knew the baby was going to walk imminently anyway

Would you wait until the mum had nipped off for 5 minutes then decide to stand the baby up and coax them to do it. Then gleefully annoy be that he fix it, he did it, he walked.

Knowing that in that moment the mum was likely to miss those wobbly steps?

Dick move. Sorry OP.

I have read from a childminder on here that they never say stuff like this for obvious reasons. I tell myself that even if they do take a first step or whatever while at nursery, it’s a wobbly, hesitant practice one for the real one. It makes me feel better anyway. I’d do the same here and question if he truly did it by himself. If they’re anything like my mum and MIL they think DC are geniuses and always say/said stuff like “Did you see that?! They said X or they did y!” And my DH and I are less convinced… 🙈

Tbf - and I say this as someone who writes a diary entry around the time when my little ones do certain things for the first time 🙈 - it is pretty difficult to pin down. My DD said dada very young but it wasn’t really in context and usually parroting me albeit when talking about her father so it blurs my understanding of exactly when she said her first proper word.

I can only give rough estimates of certain firsts for this reason.

Oh I totally get that. With my kids I assumed the first word was the first non-mama/dada sounding word. (Weirdly it was “shoe” for both of them!)

No, I wouldn't be unnecessarily gleeful about it. And there's clearly a lot of history in your specific situation that means they quite possibly trying to get one over you which is very unpleasant.

But GPs generally encouraging walking if they are looking after the child and not keeping it a secret is totally reasonable.

I had DD after 17 years of infertility, then at 9 weeks she ended up in ICU. She had health issues until she was three and a half.

I honestly couldn't have cared less about milestones as long as they happened in a timely manner. I just wanted my child to be healthy.

I really don't understand why parents (and it's usually mothers) get so territorial about stuff like this. The first time I see something new is good enough for me. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter if someone else witnessed a milestone before me.

In fact, I'm pretty sure an ICU nurse saw DD's first smile before I did.

I’d also thank her for relieving me of the chore, freeing me up to spend the money she saved me on something nice for me.

who Posts here and expects 100% agreement??? … be glad your kid is healthy, and is safe w family.

If you can’t handle other people encouraging or seeing your kid do stuff, then never go out & Home school !

Maybe your in laws are the adults

What I don’t really understand on this thread is parents giving those milestones no emotional significance at all

It’s not that at all. Obviously it’s a delight when your child starts walking, in the same way that watching them do so many things , and change and develop over time, is always a delight.
But the idea that a parent has to (believe they are) the one to witness the “very first step” is contrived and childish. A child takes their first steps when they take them. (As we have learned from this thread, apparently a significant amount of the time parents are believing they are witnessing the first steps when they aren’t because other people are lying to them! )
As a parent there’s nothing about my child’s development i would want deliberately withheld from me by their nursery, GP or anyone else! Knowing they had stumbled a few steps earlier in the day at nursery wouldn’t in anyway detract from my joy at witnessing them doing it later at home! Why on earth should it?

Presumably they didn't start doing that just when you went to the loo? They weren't being unreasonable to play and coax him. They were being unreasonable to tell you. They should have just waited til
You came back and pretended it didn't happen

What I don’t really understand on this thread is parents giving those milestones no emotional significance at all.

You are completely wrong here. The first time I see it does hold emotional significance, but I really don't understand the hysteria surrounding these milestones if someone other than me witnessed the first steps or the first word or other significant milestone.

It's just bonkers. We don't own these milestones. They just happen.

Not sure why it matters whether it bothers some posters or not. To me that is missing the entire point and is very dismissive. Just because such things don’t bother some, doesn’t mean for those who do, they are automatically wrong to feel a certain way and vice versa, nursery situation included. I wouldn’t feel it patronising if they didn’t let me know if my child had done a first or if they did, doesn’t take away from someone feeling differently. Plus, I would think it is something that could be discussed before child enters nursery with the staff anyway if such a thing bothered one anyway.

The issue here is family members deliberately trying to prove a point and waiting til a parent leaves the room to do so because of their own views on what they think should be done. FIL has shown and told OP unnecessarily and without consideration what they think of her parenting and assuming she is doing something wrong because they feel they know better. There was no reason they could not have shouted for her if her child was actually taking their first steps nor a need to wait til she was out of the room to try to urge him to walk. OP’s child is not another go for FIL to be a parent.

YANBU OP given the history and they have shown you that they have no qualms over doing whatever they want to do to/with your child regardless of what you say as a parent and that will continue to be an issue from the read of things.

Having someone caring for your child is lovely, BUT purposely undermining the parents is not on barring emergencies and safety of child.

This kind of post is so self-indulgent and over-emotional it does actually make me feel ‘dismissive’.

You are welcome. 🙂