In laws and baby's first steps

[Timeforsomecoffee]

First of all, there is a huge back story anyway.

But my question is, if you were a mil/fil, would you have done this?

Baby close to taking his first steps but hadn't done it yet. Mil and fil had been banging on for ages about how we needed to get him walking, he should be walking by now bla bla bla. Doing the arm dangling thing every time we saw them.

Baby was 13 months and standing independently so well on track with his development.

On a visit they decided to stand him between them, coaxing him between them (while I was gone to the toilet) then when I and back announced proudly that he'd taken his first steps.

@DappledThings I get that, but when people just say “I wouldn’t get worked up about this” or “this wouldn’t bother me” or “that happened to me and I was thrilled”, are they talking about the OP’s situation or generally? I’m not sure how helpful to the OP it is to say “oh that wouldn’t bother me” if you’re actually talking about a quite different situation.

I'll sit on the naughty step with her.

If you hear sweary giggling, it'll be us.

A bit of bedtime reading.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-swearing-a-sign-of-a-limited-vocabulary/#:~:text=The%20POV%20hypothesis%20suggests%20that,comprehensive%20your%20vocabulary%20would%20be.

https://theconversation.com/the-power-of-swearing-how-obscene-words-influence-your-mind-body-and-relationships-192104

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002438412200170X

Ultimately - sometimes nothing expresses emotion more than a good "FUCK YOU, YOU KH^NT!!!", not matter how extensive your vocabulary - and that is scientifically proven.

True. It depends how much of previous posts are quoted. Someone mentioned it being an unwritten rule that nurseries always lie about this and that's where the commentary about that came from.

Although the OP's PIL do sound a bit obsessed and there's clearly more history there I still think the best response is bemusement rather than anger if OP really sees malice in their actions. Best way to take the wind out of their sails.

@DappledThings it's perfectly fine to feel that you're not sentimental and that you wouldn't care.

To me it's one of those things where what you don't know won't hurt you. Let mum/dad have their little moment.

Of course if you want to know you're free to tell the nursery/childminder. I don't think anyone is trying to be patronising by allowing a parent a moment of joy.

I think I’d just be happy about babe reaching a milestone and the fact that they have grandparents who are invested in their development

"Interested" in their development - yes, wonderful.

"Invested"? Not so much. These can be the ones who push kids too hard and too soon and end up stressing them unnecessarily.

Yet you still choose not to use the ‘C’ word in full. Why is that? Because it is demeaning and derogatory to women? Swear all you like, both of you, but don’t label all in-laws c*s. Or use the term ‘Karen’.

I can absolutely see how if you got a great and trusting relationship with your parents or pil that you wouldn't feel upset about excited grandparents filming a baby's first moment.

Mumsnet is good for venting though and delving into why you feel the way you do. As is usually the case with these things it's a slow build up of things.

I'm not confrontational so I tend to stay quiet to keep the peace.

I couldn't get worked up about this. I'd expect grandparents to help with baby's development so at 13mo encouraging to walk is a good thing. You can't get territorial about firsts.

If a child isn't ready to walk unaided they won't. Clearly this one was.

I'm in the minority as well in thinking that I don't "own" a child's first milestones. The first time I see something would be a first for me regardless of whether someone else has seen it first.

I get the feeling if it had just been the first steps you wouldn’t be bothered, it’s about HOW they did it and about how they have been treating you since you had the baby, this is the last thing in a long line of incidents and you have had enough of them now it seems.

I think it’s time to have a frank conversation with your DH and stop bending over backwards for your In Laws. Tell your DH what they did was not acceptable, that you are fed up of unsolicited advice and he needs to sort that. Stop allowing them over and stop going over, baby is suddenly busy.

Also when they pick their next thing to fixate on come up with a stock answer that’s also slightly insane (No baby isn’t speaking yet, we use telepathy to communicate with her, it works really well!), and then if they try to discuss it again change the subject.

Well exactly. There are loads of times dh should have e stepped in but we are both people pleasers who hate upsetting anyone.

Plus as I'm the mum any perceived wrong by pil is my fault.

You need to get your DH to tell them to back off. Stop being friendly about it, just look them in the eye and say ‘don’t question our parenting choices. I don’t want you to do that’ or similar.

They are either selfish, stupid or a bit of both.

No - because spelling it the way I did is considered even more derogatory.

And please don't police our language. We aren't telling you how you should speak/post, so return the compliment if you don't mind.

Edit for autocarrot

Then don’t label me a c**t ( however you choose to spell it), or a ‘Karen’. If you don’t mind.

I don't mind at all. And for the record, I personally didn't label you anything.

And nor did @Couldntthinkofausername24 , unless you group yourself in with the other grandparents. You may not be aware of it, but your tone is very virtue signally.

HNRTFT but I really wouldn’t have got worked up about it . Can honestly say I cannot remember who they were with when they first walked.

That is a terrible thing to do, why would they do that?

In fact If it were me and my grandchild happened to their first steps while their parents were not there to see, I think I would not even mention it. I would let the Childs parents experience that first.

I wasn't she was quick enough bum shuffling. I knew she would walk in her own time with was 19 months. Don't get why people push kids to walk. It's harder work then!

I think it’s time for you and your dh, especially dh, to get some assertiveness training and call fil out when he is undermining your parenting. It doesn’t have to be done in a confrontational way. Just be polite and clear that he has had his chance of parenting (which he appears to have opted out of) and it’s your turn now.

Well you seem to be grouping yourself with @Couldntthinkofausername24 in your little oh-so-funny giggly sweary gang, and @Couldntthinkofausername24 did say
‘Why are in laws such c*s’, which I objected to, being an in
law.
And also ‘Your (sic) a Karen, aren’t you’ directed at me.

I have a colleague who learned about her baby's first steps (and first haircut.....I kid you not!) from social media. Her relatives just uploaded a video.

Oie! Some in laws are the absolute worst!

sorry that happened. Let’s just say they were lying.

Tbh I can somehow see ILs are a bit different .

The other thing I find a bit off about this ( because let’s face it we are sometimes overly emotional about our babies) is that they had been going on about it and sound as though they made it a “project” with the faint implication you were not providing enough stimulation on that front. 13 months isn’t late so there was no call for them to make an issue of it.

BUT life goes on and I suppose the best way forward is to try to feel pleased they take an interest.

Oh god OP I hear you! My ILs were exactly the same when DC was younger - always trying to get in there with the firsts and acting as though they were the parents. I don’t understand the need to upstage parents like that - it’s just hurtful. Funnily enough now DC is a little older and has their own opinions they’ve backed off and chilled out a lot. Hopefully they will settle down over the years…

How pathetic. But they are NOT the first steps that you saw. Just disregard and do your own thing. I am MIL and would definitely NOT have done, or even thought of that.